Well Facebook’s days are numbered. You’ve got about seven and a half years of updating us on what your plans are for Saturday morning and how much you loathe laundry day. All those pictures of your kids and of you getting hammered? Get those in while you can. Your kid is basically going to stop aging in 2020 when Facebook goes dark. And it’s going to happen. Some guy who works at a Wall Street firm with the word Capital in it says so. And Capital is the Smuckers of Wall Street if you know what I mean and I think you do.
And since we are coming up on the end, SA would like to give you some guidelines on the sorts of status updates that nobody wants to spend their Facebook twilight years reading. You don’t want everybody busting your chops on Dec. 31st, 2019 about your crappy updates, do you?
10.) Any status update regarding it being a Monday.
Office Space came out in 1999.
This scene still holds. You should catch an ass-whupping for lamenting Mondays. There is nothing interesting about you not liking Mondays or dreading Mondays or anything else having to do with Mondays.
Unless: You are reporting to prison on Monday. That’s an interesting Monday related status update.
9.) Any status update regarding it being a Friday.
Similar to Mondays, there is nothing particularly amazing about you liking Fridays. Everyone who has weekends off likes Fridays.
Unless: You are having an experimental surgery to implant mechanized wings onto your back on Friday.
8.) Any status update involving any variation on LOL.
If it is not immediately clear that the status update is humorous or meant to be humorous then you should leave that status update in the draft folder. This linguistic abortion should never be used in any genuine way.
Unless: There is no “unless”. Every time you LOL, a Muppet masturbates and cries. It hurts me to say it too, people. This is how childhoods are ruined. But that’s what happens when you LOL.
7.) Any status implying that <insert: coffee/song/Red Bull/Jesus/whiskey/etc> is necessary for you to get through the day.
You aren’t going to die without any of this stuff. You aren’t going to kill yourself. If it occurs to you to type out this update, stop, lie down on the ground, and refuse to move for the rest of the day.
Still getting through the day? Of course you are. See you tomorrow, cupcake.
Unless: You are in fact a raging alcoholic/drug addict or your inhaler or insulin is out. By all means, procure these items (though I do wonder why you paused to update Facebook).
6.)The lyrics to any song evar.
Have the decency to go over to Youtube and share the actual song. I was nice enough to post “Call Me Maybe” on my timeline so the least…never mind, I’ve said too much.
Unless: They are the lyrics to Call Me Maybe. It’s just so fucking catchy! It’s like it was made in a lab to scientifically invade your brain like a cute, bouncy bout of brain herpes.
5.) Reporting on how much fun you are currently having.
“OMG, so and so just said the funniest thing but it won’t really make that much sense because you had to be here but I thought I would come on Facebook and let you know that you missed something that was super fun and I’m totes enjoying myself and I don’t need social media approval but I would like a little recognition every once in a while for how rad my life is. Is that too much to ask? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Unless: You are hanging out with celebrities. Then we want to know. And I want you to tell me if they do anything weird like try to buy crystal meth from you.
4.) Rants about businesses that done you wrong.
That’s what Yelp is for. Don’t gum up everybody’s News Feed with how crappy the Subway on North 9th St. I know they shorted you on pickles and the sneeze guard looked like it hasn’t been cleaned in a few weeks. This is interesting to no one. The CEO of Subway himself could probably only work up a half boner of commiseration.
Unless: NO UNLESS. Keep it on Yelp.
3.) Status updates about how funny your dog/cat/pet is. Especially without a picture.
Actually don’t even bother with the picture, cause you’re just going to fuck it up and put something like this:
This is the sort of picture that makes everyone’s dick itch. Even people that don’t have dicks. They get phantom penis itch syndrome. It’s weird and it’s awful and you do it to them when you make hideous puns like this.
Unless: It’s something like this:
But it won’t be because you’ll never actually buy a polar bear. Nor will you make references to early 60′s Bugs Bunny cartoons.
2.) Updates about God or Jebus Christ, especially quotes from scripture.
One, nobody cares. Two, should you really be using Jesus as Like bait? It’s not bad enough we burned him at the stake after he shot Lincoln but now he must suffer you quoting scripture because the person ahead of you at Starbucks paid it forward on your Frappacino? And don’t bother making him a fan page. You think the Supreme Being and Creator of The Universe is going to be proud of your crappy Jesus Fan Page? Are you impressed when drunk people don’t shit themselves? That’s how impressed Jesus is with your Fan Page.
Unless: You are blaming God for something. This is cosmically hilarious. Also if you find a particularly inscrutable Bible passage like:
In those days as well as later when the sons of the gods had intercourse with the daughters of mortals and children were born to them, the Nephilim were on the earth; they were the heroes of old, people of renown.
Suprise! God-sex! Those immortals were CRUSHING ass, brah. CRUSHING.
1.) Any post where you are asking how your hair/clothes/accessory looks.
This is weird blatant neediness. If you absolutely have to get the opinion of Tier Two Friends, then at least take a picture of you doing something with other people and just happen to be wearing your new sunglasses. And I say Tier Two Friends because your Tier One Friends (better known as your actual day to day friends) will either ignore it because they’re bored of you. Or they’ll level with you and nix the nerd glasses because you don’t play for the Miami Heat.
Unless: There’s side boob. Then all is forgiven. This goes for bros too. Show it. Show it.
Basically all these rules can be summed up by asking yourself this question:
Is what I’m about to type the sort of thing that if my co-worker were to pull me aside and tell me I would say, “Yeah, that’s pretty [funny/crazy/sucky/weird]. Heh, heh” solely because I know I have to see them multiple times everyday and it would become awkward if I said, “There is no word in the English language that properly conveys the lack of interest I have in what just fell out of your stupid mouth”?
If the answer is yes; erase your status update and pat yourself on the back. You have ceased being one of those people. You’re Tier One material.
Have a Facebook weekend. Maybe.
OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 8
Yoko is following: 801,715 (no change)
@SomethingAuthor is following: 1883 (+46)
Weekly Recap: I’m reading a book called The End Of Oil…what? I know you’re bored, but just let me finish. Can I talk? Can I finish? Can I finish? Anywho I’m near the beginning where he’s talking about coal in it’s infancy in the early 1700′s in England and wood is just dominating energy production. Huge lead over coal. But eventually the wood supply dwindled and some guy invented a coal powered engine and quickly coal gained momentum and by the mid 1750′s it was well on it’s way to being the world dominant energy supply. I like to look at Yoko as wood in about 1700 England. Sure, it’s the most important resource out there but cracks are showing.
Something Authorly is coal. We’re coming for you Yoko. The Twitter equivalent of the Newcomen engine is coming.
The only problem is that Something Authorly is the coal industry in the US circa 1800 when most Americans didn’t know coal could be burned. (Sad trombone)
Follower Of The Week: Christina Majaski @cmajaski
Christina has a funny blog over at Solitary Mama. It’s funny and sarcastic and she’s a fellow Minnesotan or at least lives in Minnesota and she got blocked by local weatherman Ken Barlow on Twitter (though eventually unblocked). If that’s not a feather in your cap, nothing is. She’s the chief of my tribe at Triberr and she said she’d 86 me from it if I didn’t name her Follower of The Week. Just kidding. Everybody go out and follow her!
-Please note, Follower Of The Week is chosen by combing through my emails alerting me of new followers and then mercurially picking one. I don’t know these people and they almost certainly don’t condone or endorse anything on this blog. If you win follower of the week and don’t want to be, send me an email and I’ll take it down. To get all the deets on Operation Yoko No No go to the top of the main page or click here.