50 Cent Wants To See Lindsay Lohan’s Cooch

Or at least he did last December when I bookmarked this article and then forgot about it.

I bookmark a lot of stuff surfing teh internetz.  A lot of stuff.  As in I have 24 folders currently.  Most of them have between 10 and 15 pages bookmarked.  Then I have 20 to 30 pages that haven’t been put in folders yet.  Some because I’ll post them on the SA Facebook page at some undetermined future time.  Some because I read two paragraphs and then became distracted by some other page with shiny things or bewbs on it.

Thus I have a lot of articles hiding in folders that I completely forgot about.  Roughly once a month I go through them and try to weed out articles that I know I’m never going to write about.  Yesterday was that day.  And that’s when I stumbled into this headline:

It’s from a website called AceShowbiz.com (rehashing a story from Hollyscoop.com–a website I applied to work for and was rejected BTDubs) and dates to Dec. 13th, 2011.  Just after LiLo’s nekid Playboy photo spread leaked online.  My first thought was “Why the hell did I keep this?”    I figured I’d give it a quick read before shit-canning it.

God am I glad I did.  I don’t know if Fiddy was drunk or high or if he’s just cavalier as hell in interviews but for a six paragraph puff piece this thing is off the chain.

Who knows why Hollyscoop decided to ask Curtis Jackson his views on LiLo’s bewbs and vagina but thank the lord baby jebus they did.

Now I have always found 50 Cent to be kind of a douche (In Da Club notwithstanding).  Too buff (see beguillion photos of his ripped-edness and exploded-ness).  Too concerned with beef (see the absurdly long Wikipedia section on feuds).  Too concerned with portraying a ghetto persona that is completely at odds with his actual life (he bought Mike Tyson’s 50,000(!) square foot house in Connecticut almost 10 years ago).  Too many albums of filler (I don’t think I could make a full length album out of the songs of his that I like).

After this article, I will reconsider.

If you watch how I move you’ll mistake me for a player or pimp

It is unclear how Hollyscoop ran into 50 Cent but they did and they asked him if he was looking forward to seeing LiLo all nekid as hell.

I haven’t seen it. But I always wondered what Lindsay’s cooch looked like. Ever thought about it? I’ll check it out and see what happens

Bear with me as I dissect the righteousness that is packed into these three sentences.

First, is anybody else throwing around “cooch” right now?  Can we bring this back?  I’m putting this in the same category as a couple other slang terms for vagina I’d like to see brought back:  strange and tail.  Somebody get on that.

Second, there’s something endearing about him asking the interviewer if they’ve ever contemplated LiLo’s vagina.  Like he’s asking them their thoughts on boat ownership.

Third: I’ll check it out and see what happens?  Let me translate:  I’ll jerk off to it.  Might be a one-and-done kind of thing or she might really do it for me and I’ll bookmark the photos for later re-visiting.  See what happens?  Yeah, I’m going to throw this bread in the toaster and turn it on.  See what happens, you know?

Then Fiddy gets philosophical:

$1 million to pose nude is the same thing strippers do almost every day for way less.  If they give you a million dollars, does that change the status of what you’ve done? If I pay a 100 dollars to see a cooch is it the same thing as paying a million dollars when you’re a movie star or celebrity? The same transaction? Or is it socially different? Does it register different because of how much?

He loses me a bit here.  I like that he throws around cooch so nonchalantly but it distracts from his point which seems to be; I don’t even know.

Yes money changes everything.  I make about $2 a month from this website.  If I made $2000, shit would be quite different.  For one, I would expect a livelier “meh” when I say I’m a blogger.

It is socially different as well.  He seems to be arguing that the only difference is the money.  This argument is some unparalleled dumb-guy-trying-to-sound-smart shit.  This is the same guy who orders a beer at the bar, hears the price and then indignantly tells the bartender “I could get a whole six-pack at the grocery store for that much!”  Yes, yes you could.  You are correct sir.  This whole situation would be different…if this whole situation were different.

So yes Curtis, when you get down to the brass tacks of cooch viewing, one cooch=ALL the cooches.  Lindsay Lohan=Oceanalynne (though probably with less bruises).

And 50 of all people calling somebody out for getting money?  If niggas hate then let’em hate and watch the money pile up indeed.

And then 50 wades deep into the intellectual pool and asks his interviewer how much it would cost to see her cooch (re: compromise her values):

So everyone has a price?” says 50, “So let’s pick someone. Can I pay to see your cooch?

A-ha!  He turns the moral quandary on his interrogator.  Perhaps 50 Cent is smarter than we give him credit for.  His cunning question points out that everything we think we care about is really just a hang-up that we’ll discard when the money’s right.  Flashing a cooch?  Pashaw.

At the end of the day, we believe in nothing but money.  And even then 50 has us beat:

Fucking nihilist.

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[HT/ Hollyscoop]