A new semi-regular advice column on Something Authorly.
Though I provide wisdom on a weekly basis with this column I think it’s high time I provide an entire column devoted to advice. So today we will start with a semi-regular column here at Something Authorly called Advice From Himbokal. Catchy title huh?
I promise I’ll give better advice than this idiot cat. This weeks questions are all questions that were searched in Google and led people to this website in the last three months. I doubt they got the answer they were looking for then. I kinda doubt they will now.
(These are verbatim from search term summary on WordPress Jetpack. The only thing I added is a question mark.)
Question the 1st: Do porn industries need your social security number?
Answer: This question could go either way. If you are asking whether they require you social security number to work for them, the answer is yes. Porn companies are employers just like everybody else once you get past the anal fisting and buckets of cum. At the end of the day they need your SS for the reporting of wages and tax reporting.
If you’re asking whether they need it when you watch porn on the internet then the answer is technically no but it is a nice gesture.
Question the 2nd: when is a handshake holding?
Answer: There seems to be a variance in what the average handshake length is. Some people say three pumps. Some people say 2 seconds. I recommend a handshake last no less than thirty seconds and you should pull the other person’s hand towards your crotch at the end. That’s called establishing your dominance and studies show it will increase profits by 25% on average.
See Batman and Superman know what’s up. Now kiss.
Question the 3rd: should I do porn?
Answer: All signs point strongly to yes. It’s not like you’re curing cancer. You’re Googling “Should I do porn?” for Christ’s sake. This is an easter egg that Google should start. Whenever somebody types this into the search bar, the whole screen should go white and then in big bold letters:
YES YOU SHOULD DO PORN. SLUT.
Just kidding. You shouldn’t do porn. Chances are you don’t have the temperament (methy) or the vagina/dong (leathery) for it.
Question the 4th: who makes washing machines in the united states?
Answer: I’m just noticing this but does anybody capitalize stuff when searching it? Is that just a totes goober move? Anywho, the following companies build washing machines in the United States:
The real question here is why are you so depressed that you are Googling this? Don’t you know there is porn on the internet?
Question the 5th: why does nobody update their status?
Answer: Dwight, let these bitches know.
Question the 6th: why was michele leonhart being questioned in congress?
Answer: I can’t really answer that. It would have been just as useful to question Lindsay Lohan about drug policy as it was to question Michele “Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay” Leonhart. At least LiLo can tell you the difference between pot and coke.
Question the 7th: who cant be porn star?
Answer: Your mom. Hi-yo! Also people with diseased up downstairs parts.
Question the 8th: what would you do if you say someone masturbating in the car next to you?
Answer: Hmm, a pickle indeed. (And I assume by “say” you meant “saw”). I would say do nothing. Based on news reports the guy is probably going to crash into a parked car or an inanimate object or a murder scene in the next half hour.
Question the 9th: is cray short for crazy?
Answer: Oh fer fuck’s sake. Short answer: maybe. Long answer: Go here.
Question the 10th: how does yoko ono follow so many people on twitter?
Answer: Now that is an answer I would love to have. Alas I have no fucking clue either.
If you have questions you’d like answered by Himbokal you should probably reassess where your life is going at this moment. If you still have questions you’d like answered by Himbokal please send them to me using my nifty contact button. Once I get enough I’ll answer them in a future Advice from Himbokal.
Have a quizzical weekend.
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OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 17
Yoko is following: 866,491 (+14,782)
@SomethingAuthor is following: 1590 (+3)
Weekly Recap: For the second straight week Yoko followed an additional 14,782 people. The exact same number. I suspect cheating. Or an auto-follow directive is being followed. But if that’s true, then why haven’t I been followed back?
In other news I followed 3 additional people.
Something Authorly Follower Of The Week: Donetta Hockenberry @UMGoldenGophers
Gophers! Gophers! Gophers! Gophers! I have to respect anybody that can be excited about University of Minnesota football in August. That is some dedication. Go out and follow her.
Why are people directed to your site if they want to learn about who makes washing machines? I think you and your intern need to work on how search engines recognize you.
I think that’s the sign of some good SEO. I’m showing up in searches that have nothing to do with me.
Finally, a life coach that I can trust and that won’t make me iron my khakis.
I thought all khaki’s were wrinkle-free? Have I been lied to all these years?
Why don’t parents teach their kids how to properly shake someone’s hand? If it’s not the 30-second shake combined with creepy audible breathing and a few “heh-hehs”, it’s the limp, I’ve-got-no-bones handshake.
The I’ve got no bones shake is disconcerting to say the least. You have the internet. Look it up. It’s common knowledge that no one likes the soft shake.
The cat pic hooked me in!
I think that’s probably the best advice in the article.