You thought I was going to say Benjamin Franklin but he wasn't a president. Plus he totally killed it...at science! Boo-yah!
In case you haven’t been paying attention to week 3,000,000 of the 2012 presidential campaign (and you shouldn’t–hell I’m only paying attention because I’m unemployed and I like to be irritated) this week’s big kerfuffle stems from an attack ad that pro-Obama Super PAC Priorities USA began running that implies Romney is indirectly responsible for the cancer death of a laid off steelworker‘s wife.
First off, if you are making political decisions based on television or radio commercials, I want you to mark November 14th on your calender. That’s the big day to have your voice heard in the most important election in the history of the universe EVAR.
Third, basically Mitt Romney killed some poor steelworker’s wife in Missouri.
Which would make him the least killingest (don’t worry, it’s a word. No, don’t Google it. Trust me for once.) president ever if that’s the only innocent he takes out.
This all stemmed from a discussion this morning with my roommate. I think the desire to actually be president of the United States is a deep and profound character flaw. You have to have megalomaniacal tendencies. You have to love power. You have to have deluded yourself to such a point that you believe you know what’s best for literally everyone else.
Consider the sort of person who operates like this. Dear reader, you probably work with someone like this. You probably hate his guts (it’s most likely a dude).
These are not nice people. Or even normal people. (I voted for Obama and I believe this about him too. I just think he’s slightly less power-hungry than [insert other power-hungry narcissist])
Also any person that wants to be president has to be okay with killing innocent civilians. That just comes with the presidential territory. My roommate nodded along probably hoping I was finished. I was not.
Instead I made this grand pronouncement: “There has never been president in history who hasn’t killed innocent civilians.”
My roommate: “Tut, tut, you forget your history, good sir. Mr. James A. Garfield.” (sometimes my roommate’s from the 19th century London)
Me: “Indeed old chap, out with it then.” (sometimes I am too)
My roommate recently finished a short biography on our 20th president, James A. Garfield (1881 to, well, late 1881). Garfield was president for only about four months or so and as far as I could find the US was not at war with anybody during this time so that cuts down on the potential number of motherfuckers whom Garfield could potentially have murked.
Garfield was inaugurated in March of 1881 and shot by assassin Charles Guiteau on July 2nd. He died in mid September of complications from the wound.
As Garfield was our
shortest serving president second shortest serving president (behind William Henry Harrison) and their were no wars or surface to air missiles or drone strikes I think it’s pretty safe to say James Garfield was our only president not responsible for civilian deaths.
The kicker though is that Garfield didn’t even want to be president. He won the nomination as a compromise candidate for the Republican party.
How pissed do you think he was on his death-bed?
“You fuckers. I didn’t even want to do this! You made me do it and now look. Blasted to smithereens! You sons of bitches. I hope you all die of dysentery. And the next time you try to ford a river your wagon sinks and you lose all your oxen and bullets!”
And ironically the one prez who probably didn’t kill anybody and he goes and gets got. Of course all things happen for a reason though. (Just kidding. Often bad shit just happens.)
So Mittens, whichever ultra-mansion you’re in now, take heart. You’ve only killed one person (maybe) so far. You’ll have plenty of time to up your stats if you get elected.