Having watched hours of Youtube fight videos I’ve learned the patterns and rhythms by which almost all street fights go down. As soon as somebody starts repeating themselves with varying intonation (“Tell me that to my face. Tell me that to my face. Tell ME that to my FACE!”) you know something is about to go down.
You can imagine my excitement when just such a pattern emerged right outside my window a few weeks ago.
I think I was reading a Wikipedia page on unusual deaths or in a craze-rage over the most recent MckMama post (Drank a glass of Aquafina water yesterday. Used Arm & Hammer Baby Powder on my Target brand child yesterday) when I heard, “Yeah, well fuck you and yo family niggah! And yo Mom and yo Dad and yo Grandma and fuck yo Grandpa too, niggah!” Ahoy? Ahoy?
I live in a standard apartment. Two floors with a courtyard common area. It looks like this:
I’ve heard all kinds of shouting outside my window. Usually people in the alleyway telling somebody to move or to grab something they left in the car. It is rare for an extended family to be told to fuck off. Rare but not unheard of. My neighborhood is neither nice nor ghetto (“It’s up and coming”) so public shouting isn’t totally weird. Or at least not weird enough to drag me away from teh internets.
I went back to the list of unusual deaths (side note: Did you know the owner of Segway died after accidentally riding his Segway off a cliff?). Then I heard the same voice shout again.
“Yeah, I said it bitch. Fuck you and your brother and your sister and your Mom and Dad, motherfucker!”
Dayam. Somebody is about to get live. All this needs is somebody yelling “World Star Hip-Hop!” and it’s on. I go to my front door to see what’s up.
I see a guy who has ceased working on the door he was installing on the apartment next to mine who is now staring towards the alley with his mouth open. I then see my landlord stalking over towards the alley with his finger pointed at somebody. Then I look towards the alley and see a young Latino male in bright red shorts with a matching hat. I’m guessing Angels gear but who knows. He is the “ethnic” that white people are scared of. He is holding the door to the courtyard open.
He proceeds to repeat his previous attacks on someone’s lineage and then it occurs to me that he is talking to my landlord.
A word about my landlord. We’ll call him Pat. Pat is in his mid 50′s and drives a cab as well as managing the apartment I live in. He’s east African. He’s affable and helpful as a landlord. If I had to line up all the people in my apartment complex based on whose parents and grandparents I would insult; he would be towards the end of that list.
Angel’s hat ain’t having none of that shit though.
“I fucking own this block niggah! Say that shit to my face! Say that shit to my face!”
I rubbed my hands together. Anytime someone makes wild claims about owning property that they decidedly do not own; I’m all ears. Pat was not so enthused.
“Just get out of here. You harass an old man. You’re drunk. Just go home.”
Apparently Pat and the “ethnic” had had a run-in earlier where Angel’s Hat was harassing an old man in the alleyway and Pat told him to leave the old guy alone. This, apparently, would not stand with Angel’s Hat. Nobody tells him what to do. Especially not someone like Pat who comes from a long line of motherfuckers.
The shouting of expletives goes on for a bit and there’s a circular conversation regarding Angel’s Hat’s home and Pat’s grandparents. Then somebody on the second floor of my apartment building freaks out and starts telling Angel’s Hat to shut the fuck up because he’s tired of listening. I too am sick of the story regarding Pat’s motherfucking grandparents and would like Angel’s Hat to move on.
Angel’s Hat is not particularly receptive to my neighbor argument and tells my neighbor as such.
“Yo, I’ll fuck you up too, homie. You don’t know me niggah. Come down here and I’ll show you what’s up too. Fucking pussy ass bitch.”
At this point, you’ve got three options:
2.) Say some crazy ass shit that will make me laugh. For instance “I’m going to punch you so hard you’ll get diabetes.” This is a good pre-fight line.
3.) Fucking shut the fuck up.
Angel’s Hat chooses option 4 (which as we saw earlier is not an option) which is continue to disdain my landlord’s parents.
Then I hear another neighbor start yelling. And he’s much angrier and scarier. He is unimpressed with Angel’s Hat and his real estate holdings (“Fuck you. You own this neighborhood? Throw one fucking sign. Throw one fucking sign, motherfucker!”) Angel’s Hat starts to back down a bit and does the fuck-bag douche thing where you start talking about respect and how you don’t have any beef with people.
“Yo bro, I ain’t have no beef with you. I ain’t even talking to you.”
Word? You don’t have any beef with the person you’ve never met before? Tell me more about your thoughts.
Scary Neighbor Man is unconvinced.
“You fucking asshole. Throw one fucking sign. Throw one fucking sign!”
This is not something Angel’s Hat is willing to commit to. He reiterates that he has no beef with any-fucking-body. Pat, meanwhile is calling the police. Scary Neighbor Man does not like this plan of attack either.
“Pat, don’t you call the police and have them come up in here. You know they been harassing me and we got a complaint lodged. Don’t you call the police up in here!”
Pat tells him that the police are going to be called take Angel’s Hat away. Angel’s Hat’s response to this is totes typical:
“You calling the police on me? I should call the police on you, motherfucker. Fuck you.”
I love this counter-move. I would pay lots of paper money to listen to Angel’s Hat call the police on somebody for calling the police on him.
“Hi, this is emergency. Please send the cops over. This man has threatened to have me arrested and I’d like to have him arrested. Yes, I’ll hold.”
Then Scary Neighbor Man makes a nutty threat which justifies this whole blog post:
“Pat, you better not call the police up in here or I’ll call the Attorney General on your ass.”
Ha dat! (This is a term that I would like to get into circulation. It’s a really shortened form of ‘How you like that?’ It is used in all situations where you would use “Run and tell dat, homeboy.”) However, Scary Neighbor Man does not know my just invented phrase and thus he doesn’t use it despite how fucking awesome it would have been.
“You call the police and I will call the Attorney General on yo ass. Ha dat!” See how that rolls off the tongue?
Ultimately neither the police or the Attorney General are called (can you even call the Attorney General?). Angel’s Hat continues to insist that he has no beef with Scary Neighbor man while also saying Pat’s grandparent’s can go fuck themselves. I do not point out the irony in this.
Eventually I get bored with the whole thing and go back to the internet cuz…internet. And also because I can find actual fights on there rather than people just yelling and making wild claims about upper level law enforcement. When it comes down to it, you need to either throw some bows or shut the fuck up because as entertaining as it is to tell people’s extended family to fuck themselves; we all want to see some action.