The only reason God is going to forgive you is because it was under the pants. That's the ONLY reason.
Mama said jerk you off!
Sorry, the haze of yesterday’s post is still burning off.
Say it’s 2002 and you are a self-proclaimed “fundamentalist Christian patriot on a mission from God” who doesn’t realize that every goddamn time you say that the only thing anybody thinks of is The Blues Brothers.
Let’s also say that you just can NOT get over how immoral these queers are with their partyin’ and their drinkin’ and their dancin’ and decadin’. Particularly when the queers have a whole festival devoted to decadin’. It’s even called Southern Decadence. Gah!
If you are the Reverend Grant Storms (and you are, just play along), you get out your brooms, a bull-horn, and your cleverest signs and you march right the hell through that depraved scum-hole of heathenism.
“Hey! Maybe next year we should use Madam and Eve, huh? So the lesbians don’t get all uppity?”
And you bring your video camera. Because the good Lord knows there are people putting their fingers in rectums and swinging their penises and vaginas about. And that is unacceptable! Public sex acts, why that’s illegal! For shame, you homos. For shame!
Let’s fast forward a decade. A tough decade for Grant Storms despite his super hero-ish name. First the gays do not take the hint and continue to have their festival each year. Then they cracked down on bull horns (Nazis!). His church disassociated itself from him. He began working out of his van.
At some point, he developed a porn problem. Some people (like myself) would call it a hobby. Some might call it a vocation depending on your aptitude and drive. But Grant Storms thought it was a problem. And on Feb. 25th, 2011 it became a huge problem when a nanny saw him masturbating in the front seat of his van near a park.
Now they don’t add the words “furiously” but every I hear about public masturbation, I automatically add “furiously” to it. You have to assume they are really going at it right? Who’d be slow about it? That’s even more twisted.
Pictured: Grant Storms. Not Pictured: The Rest Of The Justice League.
Anyway he was arrested, publicly humiliated. Then he gave a profoundly odd and sad impromptu press conference in the parking lot of a motel.
Finally, over a year later, he was convicted of a single count of obscenity (Oh the lulz god and the gays must be having now).
The case sounded pretty cut and dried (“Man’s jerkin’ off, your honor.”) other than two items. The first is Grant Storms insistence that he did not expose himself and was essentially giving himself an under-the-pants-HJ.
The other was a testy exchange between the Hispanic nanny and the defense lawyers for Grant Storms. After she testified that she had seen Grant Storms playing whack-a-boner the defense attorney asked her she’d ever even seen a man masturbate.
Yeah, lady, have you even seen a proper jerk sesh? I doubt it. You seem like a nerd that like totally doesn’t get any action and nobody has ever even wanted to whack off when you’re around. Why don’t you go back to your dork squad where nobody does anything cool like expose themselves in a public park? Loser.
The nanny became, understandably indignant, and through a translator told the attorney it was “embarrassing for you to ask me that”.
Of course she’s seen a man masturbating. You can’t drive more than a mile or so in the US without running into a man masturbating wildly (and furiously) behind the wheel of a car. Gah!
Grant Storms received three years probation which seems lenient but whatever. The real thing we should all take away from this is that if you are going to be a religious zealot who rails against any sexuality that isn’t supported in the good book then please, please, please, please, do one thing for me.
Gamble. That’s right, start gambling. Heavily.
You are going to need some outlet for all the pent-up demons and you make it too easy for us to mock you when you turn out to be an incorrigible dick-beater or you like little boys or prostitutes or whatever other sexually depraved fetish you harbor deep inside your holy little body.
At least when you ruin your career and life with gambling it doesn’t lend itself quite so easily to ridicule like say when you rage against public sex acts and then get busted for it yourself.
There’s a free tip from old Himbokal.
[ht/Fark]
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