I mean come on. It's got the word 'butthole' in the headline.
The title of the article is:
Jill Dahne, Love Psychic, Predicts New Anus Tattoo Trend
It was helpfully categorized under “Butt Ink” at the Broward-Palm Beach New Times.
There are pictures.
I like to think the pictures tell a story in and of themselves. First we have the prep:
I am so fucking metal! And I am way ahead of the curve on this trend.
Then comes a realization:
My parents would have been better off if I’d just killed them. It would have been less shameful.
And then THE realization:
This man is stabbing my butthole with a needle.
The pictures (oh and there’s video with the hilarious warning that it is definitely NSFW. They do not say where a video of someone receiving an asshole tattoo would be appropriate. A crack house? A porn shoot?), combined with the fact that they interviewed a love pyschic (?) about this emerging trend makes for an almost too perfect news story.
Which got me thinking. What possible headline could have caught my attention more than Jill Dahne, Love Psychic, Predicts New Anus Tattoo Trend?
Here’s a list:
New Company To Greatly Overpay For Unproven Blogging Talent. Hiring In Area Code 90034 Only.
Chuck Norris: Obama Administration Conspiring To Weaken Organized Religion Via New Tax On Dojos
Vikings Trade Adrian Peterson For Tim Tebow
Butthole, Butthole, Butthole, Butthole, Butthole, Butthole, Butthole, Butthole.
Mitt Romney Used Seer Stones To Pick VP.
[Insert Large Corporation]‘s Mishandling Of [Insert Controversial Issue] Worsened By Tone Deaf Social Media Response.
(Actually we already have one of those this week. Chick fil-A, meet Progressive Insurance. Now kiss.)
Denzel Washington To Play Scary Corrupt But Likeable Bad Guy In Post Apocalyptic Police Movie.
(I’m a sucker for Zel in any sort of bad guy role. And I love last man on earth movies. Combine the two and pow! You might as well title it Himbo’s Wheelhouse.)
Man’s Penis Injured When Bow And Arrow Stunt Goes Awry
___________________________________________________________
About this time you’re probably thinking:
Well, actually Y U No Guy, it’s not just white people. And it’s not just scary biker chicks with blown out buttholes that get anal tattoos.
For instance this woman (who’s half black and half white) has an anal tattoo:
Granted, she is a pornstar (link is SFW-Wikipedia). Her anal tat reads “Jarrod’s Little Fuck Doll” in a circle around her butthole. Which is definitely better than Y.O.L.O. or that awful Marilyn Monroe quote.
You want to talk about an awkward conversation. What happens when her and Jarrod break up? What does she say to the next guy?
New Guy: Honey, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a very distinctive tattoo…
Adrianna: Well, I was very young and I fell in love with a man and you know we all think when we fall in love that we’ll just be that person’s little fuck doll forever. But it doesn’t always work out that way.
New Guy: Didn’t it hurt?
Adrianna: Of course it hurts. It’s devastating to realize that you’re falling out of fuck doll-ness with someone. I was really emotional about it.
New Guy: Are you using the words ‘love’ and ‘fuck doll’ interchangeably?
Adrianna: I let him write his name on my asshole. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
New Guy: Fair enough. Let us never speak of this again.
Adrianna: See that’s why I fuck doll you so much. You’re so understanding.
And that’s about the best that conversation can go. At least for now. Ten years from now when even the nerdiest World Of Warcrafters have anal tattoos then it won’t be such a big deal. Then we can focus on what’s really important. Denzel’s newest movie.
[Broward-Palm Beach New Times]
/
how does one find a tattoo artist that wouldn’t just walk away shaking his/her head at the prospect? (asking for a friend)
The negotiations surrounding anal tats are definitely wrought with peril. It seems to me that you should start with a less sketchy body part, say the sole of your foot or the inside of your lip and then progress to more unconventional areas (armpits, inside upper thigh area, eyelid) all the while gauging the tattoo artists enthusiasm. Finally ask them about their feelings regarding penile piercings.
If they don’t flinch then you’ve found your anal tattoist. No self-respecting tattoist can agree to put a rod through a cock but balk at a butthole tattoo.
I’m so tempted to get one. I was thinking of getting a butt hole tattooed on my lower back. It’d be the tramp stamp of all tramp stamps. What? That’s not what you meant by a butt hole tattoo? It’s actually getting your butt hole tattooed? Never mind. In the real world, neck tats are called job killers. I’d imagine the same thing could be said about b-hole tats in the porn world. 6% of me wants to go searching for a girl who has her b-hole tatted to look like a vagina.
It’s a tat on the 2-hole. I guess that could be a little confusing. And why would you tattoo your butthole to look like a vagina? Isn’t that the whole draw of the anus? That it’s not the vagina?
It’d be perfect for dudes like me. The 2-hole isn’t appealing to me. However, I’ve heard that some of the ladies (I imagine mostly British royalty) actually like a little back door action. If I was dating a lady who wanted it in the grocery shoot, it would be like a compromise.
For research purposes, I checked out Ms Adrenalynn’s work on the internets. She does, in fact have her b-hole tattooed. It’s kind of creepy. But (pun intended), without a closeup or the knowledge you dropped on us about what she’s got written back there, it just looks as if her brown eye is wearing mascara…which isn’t all that bad. It’s like putting a velvet rope at the entrance to the trash dump.
I’ve done some “research” on her as well and I think the titular Jarrod is responsible for the tattoo (both figuratively and physically) which makes me wonder if she was like, “I want to it to say ‘For Jarrod, with love’ or something like that and he was like “Sure, I’ll make it say that.”
I believe that would be the definition of Pwnd.
I think if i ever got a butthole tattoo I’d get something I think is funny. Like Christina’s Butthole. And as with most things I think are funny, 10 minutes later I’ll realize it isn’t really and regret it. Is that worse? Probably not.
I’d get a chuckle out of that. Or maybe one that says “What do you think you’re doing?” Written in all caps so it seems accusatory. As I think more about it (and I’ll be honest, my life has been consumed by butthole tattoos the last two days) you can pretty much get whatever. I mean who really looks at somebody’s butthole?
Or you could go the hipster route and get a tattoo that says “this isn’t my butthole.” Think of all the confusion it would cause.
That seems like a plan that will almost certainly backfire.
Drunk me [reading]: “Let’s see, this isn’t my butthole…hmmm, looks like I’m in the right place.”
And then I’m not in the right place.