Getting Back To Pretending To Be A Productive Member Of Society

Something Authorly has been off teh internets for the last week and a half or so.  The transition to being employed from being super unemployed has been a little more jarring than Ol’ Himbo has expected.

It’s not that the job is hard or sucks or anything (I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  And I like to complain.  A lot.  So that should tell you something.  But unless this company is torturing babies in the basement or something I give them 5 stars.  And even if they are torturing babies in the basement, you know what they say “Attitude is everything.”  Be proactive and punch the baby before he starts crying!  That’s called “taking ownership”.)

As you know, finding a job was a bit of a struggle.  And nobody told me about the job helmet.

I’m not here to tell you how to get a job though.  As I’ve shown, I’m no expert.  Plus there are a million sites that can help you land a job.

I’m here to help you with the transitioning from a lazy, mooching, entitled leech who won’t take responsibility for your life into an employed…lazy, mooching, entitled leech who won’t take responsibility for your life.  Strap on your employed hat!

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I could get a cow to successfully navigate the Subway ordering procedure in less than three electric shocks.

I know that some people don’t have Subway restaurants (though they have 2(!) in Afghanistan and 6 in Zambia and 16 in Qatar.  Qatar is lousy with Subways.).  but they must have lines, yes?  Everybody has lines.  And the notion of some sort of protocol in a fast food place, right?

I lived in Mexico for 6 months and I didn’t walk into taco shops, stride past the line and ask if to be helped.

Mexi-Himbo: Do you have pie here?

Taco Shop Worker:  <dead eyed silence>

Mexi-Himbo: No pies?

Taco Shop Worker: <dead eyed silence>

Mexi-Himbo:  At all?  Well then what are all these people waiting for?

Taco Shop Worker: <shrugs>

Mexi-Himbo: Do you take euros?

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A things being equal, a well-qualified corgi would be a great asset to the team.

I look through Craigslist ads for a couple of hours each day.  As I’m willing to do anything I read a lot of different ads.  I read a lot of entry level ads.  If someone asked me to define entry-level I would say:

Entry Level Position: A job that, following a week of training, can be satisfactorily performed by a corgi.

It’s entry-level.  Applicant fogs a mirror?  Applicant is hired.

But nope.  Not for me.  I’d like to think it’s because:

But the lack of responses I’ve received indicates I may not be orverquerliferd.  But I constantly see qualifications for which a corgi is qualified for.

So I sat down with SA’s resident (and fairly pretentious) corgi named Corgi and we reviewed some prospective job opportunities.

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I went to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf near my house yesterday.  Everybody calm down!  I know that’s a hell of an intro but relax.

I usually go to coffee shops is the 3–4 pm time frame.  Low tide for coffee shops.  The three baristas are posted up behind the counter drinking their own coffee concoctions.  Two are in a heated discussion about the Clippers (I didn’t know it was possible either) with a bearded guy in horn rim glasses whose waiting for his drink.

I order an Americano.  I walk over and wait for it to be finished.  I look something like this:

Except take away the suit and the scrotal inflation fetish (I can tell just by looking at him this man pumps his balls to the size of grapefruits when left to his own devices–or in this case just one device) and I would never order a red drink at a coffee shop.  And also remember that I haven’t received my drink yet.  Pay attention.  We’re moving fast people.

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Leave it to the Norwegians to take customer service (and apparently vacuuming) to the next level.  According to a story in The Local (which has all of Norway’s news in English if you’re into that sort of thing you kinky freak) a customer service agent finally gave a customer the sort of service they deserve.

According to the story: 16-year-old Maiken Fredriksen Iversen (I thought this was supposed to be Norway stuff in English can’t we get that name translated? How about Mary Iversen?) called to ask why she didn’t get a heads up text that she was about to go over on her “subscription” which is Norwegian for “minutes”.

The agent asked her to download an app to monitor her usage.  The teen said TBNT (Google it).  The customer service rep said the Norwegian equivalent of work with me here which is “be a little bit helpful” which I like better.  “Work with me here” always sounds desperate to me.  Reminds me of Jack Lemmon’s character in Glengarry Glen Ross.

Now the lazy customer service rep moves on.  Next call.  Next person with a complaint that you don’t give two shits about but since you’re making $12.75 an hour and rent isn’t going to pay itself and you’re already caught up on your Facebook* newsfeed you might as well answer another call.

But not his rep.  He promptly sent Mary Iversen the following text:

“It’s rare to encounter this level of cheek. Hope you burn in hell!”

in. Ya. FACE!  Sick burn (in hell) on the stupid questiony teenager!  This customer service rep is going places.  This is lower middle management material if I’ve ever seen it.  And since I’ve worked in the service industry myself for 15 years, I know exactly what I’m talking about.  This is the best of proactive and reactive.  I call it reproactive which is a buzzword coming to a board meeting near you.

It also has the added benefit of sounding like you are doing something over again to make sure you were pro-active enough.  And if there is anything we like in business it’s double-checking stuff no matter whether it’s actually effective or not.

Mary’s mom didn’t see this as reproactive so much as really fucking over the line.  As did Telenor which shit-canned the guy after Mrs. Iversen called and was all like “I’m not trying to be a dick, bro…” which sounds like this in Norwegian “Jeg prøver ikke å være en pikk, bro.”

I just hope that Norway does things the way we do in America; where cats have all the tough conversations.

You tell him Professor Mittens.

*I was going to use the Norwegian translation of Facebook and I did.  Because Facebook in Norwegian is “Facebook”.  I am disappoint.

[The Local]

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