I want to meet Kimmy so that I can have no idea who she is.

I often have hypothetical conversations with famous people I’ll never meet.  Long, weird involved convos where I explain that just because you believe yourself to be awesome and incredible and you’ve managed to surround yourself with only people that confirm your righteous-itude (with dusting of badass-osity) does not make you any of those things.  It makes you are manic little man who doesn’t know he’s gay.  Sorry Tom.

But I’ll make an exception for Kim Kardashian.  I don’t want to go into great detail about her faults.  I want to have an increasingly awkward conversation with her where I have no clue who the fuck she is.

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Something Authorly will be taking a short break this week from Tuesday Sept. 4th through Friday Sept. 7th.  This is for two reasons:  1.) I need to re-charge the mental batteries as the last four months of four posts per week has drained the creative juices a bit and 2.) I actually got a real-life jobby-job this week with a desk and people telling me what to do.  People telling me what does not include the words “Hey, isn’t this a post day?  You better get on it.  Forget the TPS reports, we need more butt-hole jokes.”  Unless this place is way more laid-back than I’ve been led to believe. 

For those of you who complain about not being able to keep up, you’ll get a reprieve from me gumming up your FB news feed with my incessant babbling.  And for Will, the world’s greatest intern, this is unfortunately going to put a negative dent into SA’s 3rd quarter earnings to the tune of  three cents.  But with SA’s new income stream I’ll be more than happy to siphon some off those funds to offset our loss in advertising revenue.

See you next Tuesday.  (And I don’t mean that in the wimpy way that people who want to say cunt but can’t bring themselves to do it mean it)

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The only reason God is going to forgive you is because it was under the pants. That's the ONLY reason.

Mama said jerk you off!

Sorry, the haze of yesterday’s post is still burning off.

Say it’s 2002 and you are a self-proclaimed “fundamentalist Christian patriot on a mission from God” who doesn’t realize that every goddamn time you say that the only thing anybody thinks of is The Blues Brothers.

Let’s also say that you just can NOT get over how immoral these queers are with their partyin’ and their drinkin’ and their dancin’ and decadin’.  Particularly when the queers have a whole festival devoted to decadin’.  It’s even called Southern Decadence.  Gah!

If you are the Reverend Grant Storms (and you are, just play along), you get out your brooms, a bull-horn, and your cleverest signs and you march right the hell through that depraved scum-hole of heathenism.

“Hey! Maybe next year we should use Madam and Eve, huh? So the lesbians don’t get all uppity?”

And you bring your video camera.  Because the good Lord knows there are people putting their fingers in rectums and swinging their penises and vaginas about.  And that is unacceptable!  Public sex acts, why that’s illegal!  For shame, you homos.  For shame!

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He Has Really Long Dreads And His Name Is Not Bob Gnarly

As I’ve mentioned on the site before I am staunchly against talking shit to strangers.  You never know who just got out of prison or has micro-penis rage.  Or they might have the Almighty Hand Of Rick James, Bitch power like this guy:

Damn, no wonder Brock Lesner got cut from the Vikings.

This wisdom did not prevent me from making fun of Bob Gnarly outside a bar in Silverlake last weekend.

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