Reading Yahoo! News on a daily basis, I often think of the opening scene in Training Day:
Yahoo! does a lot of re-purposing of AP wire stories and to be fair to the Associated Press; they have to cover the entire planet so that doesn’t leave a lot of time for nuance. The stories follow the usual 5-w formula along with a couple of informed people weigh in bolstering or contradicting the lead, and depending on the type of story we’ll get some opposing arguments from “experts” on both sides of the issue. Generally, you can skip 90% of the article and be just fine.
They babble on for about 5 paragraphs until they get to the entertaining part which is this paragraph:
Kinyua, an electrical engineering student, had a very good grade point average and had enough credits to be a senior in the fall, according to university spokesman Clinton Coleman. He could not comment on the May incident, but noted the university has a zero-tolerance policy toward violence and a student in such a situation would likely be suspended or expelled.
No shit? Zero tolerance on killing students and then eating their heart (and parts of their brain)?
Clinton Coleman, A Non-Zombie Morgan State College Spokesman: Indeed. We would almost certainly ask that a student who killed and then ate another person’s heart (and parts of their brain) be suspended until we could fully investigate. If, at that time, it was determined that the suspended student had, in fact, killed and then ingested a person’s heart (and parts of their brain) we would expel them. It is a harsh disciplinary measure that we don’t take lightly but we absolutely cannot have murderous cannibals attending class at Morgan State. It sets a bad example.
Then they got a statement from the Zombie side of the issue:
ZZrrghhm Raaaahhrrk!, Zombie Morgan State College Spokesman: While we urge the public to refrain from judgement until the incident can be fully investigated; we do, at this time, agree with the non-zombie administration that Mr. Kinyua be suspended. His ingesting of non-brain parts of his victim goes against our strict “Brainz Only” cannibal policy. We will no further statements until the results of the investigation are concluded.
I said no further questions!
And that is why I read Yahoo! News. Because it entertains me. And every once in a while you learn something. Like Morgan State does not put up with students eating other people’s hearts (and parts of their brain).
Over the holiday weekend, I went to The Silver Lake Jubilee in, you guessed it, Silver Lake. Silver Lake is a neighborhood roughly four miles northwest of downtown Los Angeles. It is, according to Wikipedia, “best known as an eclectic gathering of hipsters and the creative class.” Each May they host a two-day street festival called The Silver Lake Jubilee which I mentioned like two fucking sentences ago. Are you paying attention here? Focus! There are lessons to be learned.
Lesson the first: Indentured servants do not exist anymore. Thus one of the prime benefits of the Jubilee goes to waste now.
Lesson the second: There are no fields in Silver Lake. Thus there are none to leave fallow. Some where Leviticus is disappoint.
Lesson the third: There are some fucking hipsters in Silver Lake.
This is a news story near and dear to my heart. I like to hoist a couple of brews every now and again. And by couple I mean a personal pony keg. And maybe some absinthe if anybody has any handy. After slugging down many drinks I’ve been known to do quasi-illegal things like urinate in public and walk along streets lifting car door handles to see if cars are unlocked*. It’s not shit you are necessarily proud of. But it’s also shit you shouldn’t be, say, blasted with a shotgun for.
"Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy. But, here's my number, so RARRGHH!
Desmond Hatchett is either the unluckiest guy who gets lucky or the luckiest guy with bad luck. As reported by many outlets but first from WREG in Memphis, Desmond has fathered 30 children by 11 women. When asked how this happened Des replied, “I had four kids in the same year. Twice.” This response reminds me of a great line from Tin Cup:
David Simms: “Now how in the world can a great ball striker like you, a legend, manage to put up an 83?”
Roy McAvoy (Tin Cup): “Well I missed a 4 foot putt on 18 for an 82. That’s how.”
Both answers are absolutely truthful and absolutely obtuse at the same time. I think the only difference is that Roy is purposely being an asshole whereas Desmond seems amazed at his terrible luck.
I, however, don’t believe it was luck. I have two theories that I’d like to bend your ear with. Two conspiracies as it were.
Perhaps most interesting — the masseur’s description of Travolta’s penis.
Now completely irrespective of Vincent Vega’s penis (though there is a boner contest where he’d be shoo-in for a podium finish) is the clause “Perhaps most interesting”. Is the description of Chili Palmer’s dick the most interesting part of this story? Ehhh, maybe? But what’s perhaps most interesting is how much ‘perhaps most interesting’ is used in news stories.