Dear reader, I need your help with something. I don’t ask for much. Primarily because (with the noted exception of SGD and Adam-bless your hearts both of you, you’re doing Jebus’s work) you don’t give me much. And before you get all hoity-toity about how you can just go over to Gawker or Cracked if your readership isn’t appreciated here (as I’ve made quite clear your readership is much appreciated up until I have become internet famous and then to hell with you) let me say it involves very little from you. You just have to help a term get into circulation. Actually it’s technically an idiom. Or a phrase really. That phrase?
“Send In Spergon Wynn.”
Wait, you don’t know who Spergon Wynn is? Here let me show you a picture:
|Ohhhhh. That Spergon Wynn.
Still no idea huh? (ed.note: At this point I’d like to warn our dear reader that this post is going to delve into some NFL minutiae about failed athletes-feel free to skip a couple of paragraphs). That’s the point. I’d like for the phrase “Send in Spergon Wynn” to become an idiom meaning to aggressively give up. This isn’t just throwing in the towel, this is throwing in the face cloth, the bathrobe, the soap, the shampoo, and the conditioner. This is unconditional surrender. Here, an example of usage:
Bro: Your down by 28 points with 2 minutes left. You really want to leave your starters in?
Dude: Yeah, that’s it. Send in Spergon Wynn.
Bro: Aww, Dude, I didn’t mean it quite like that. Wait, are you crying?
Dude: Its….everything is so hopeless. I don’t know what to do.
Bro: It’s just Madden. Pull yourself together man.
Now, I know what you are thinking, who the fuck is Spergon Wynn?
Don’t get all hung up on that. I will explain, my little chickadees.
I remember Spergon Wynn because I am die hard Vikings fan and Spergon Wynn III enjoyed the majority of his NFL success (and I use that term liberally. And by liberally, I mean recklessly with only a vague connection to its actual meaning ). Spergon played two seasons with the Vikings as their 3rd string quarterback behind Daunte Culpepper and Todd Bouman. If you are wondering who the fuck Todd Bouman is at this moment, that should tell you something about Spergon Wynn III. He was worse than Todd Bouman. Just to give you a hint of how bad Todd Bouman was here’s a list of awful QB’s that Todd Bouman backed up over his career:
Quinn Gray (can’t think of the team he played for? Jacksonville. It was right on the tip of your tongue)
Gus Frerotte (and not the sort of good Free-Rot of Washington and briefly the Vikings but the awful Free-Rot that backed up Marc Bulger towards the end when Bulger sucked pee-pee)
Kyle Boller (yes that Kyle Boller)
Luke McCown (though to be fair he was cut before the season started so he never actually made it as the 3rd stringer on Jacksonville).
This illustrates how awful Todd Bouman is. Spergon was the backup to Todd Bouman. In a competition based on skills at quarterback a bunch of people being paid adult money with years of experience said to themselves: “We’re going to go with Todd Bouman on this one. We feel he gives us a better chance to win.” As if this doesn’t illustrate Spergon Wynn III special brand of suck here’s his stats with the Vikings.
I don’t even know where to start with that. When your QB rating is 41.2 and it drops the next year, that’s a bad sign. Now, I know what you are thinking: Hey Himbokal, there’s been a lot of terrible QB’s in the NFL. What makes ol’ Spergon worthy of his own idiom meaning to aggressively give up? Well, besides having an awful name that appears to be a combination of sperm and sturgeon (I briefly was unable to locate his wikipedia page because I kept spelling it Spurgeon) which he maliciously passed down to his son Spergon Wynn IV, he is notorious for one other thing. Spergon Wynn III was the last QB taken in the 2000 NFL draft ahead of Tom Brady. That’s right, just 16 picks
before Tom Terrific. When you look up images of him on Google, you get more pictures of Tom Brady than you do ol’ Spurge. Most of Spergon’s notoriety is based on him being what amounts to a fantastic Jeopardy! clue.
I know some of you are thinking this is a little harsh. Sure, he’s got a weird name and he was drafted before Tom Brady and my toaster has a better quarterback rating but cut the guy some slack. He made it to the NFL which says something about his work ethic and just cause he sucked more than that galactic vacuum cleaner in SpaceBalls
doesn’t mean he needs an entire blog post devoted to creating an idiom that uses his name as a simile for giving up.
Spergon Wynn was paid $198,000 dollars for that year with Cleveland. He was paid $298,000 for that year with the Vikings. That’s almost $30k per sack. He was paid almost $50k for each pass he completed to the other team. I want you to think about how much you make at your job. Now imagine you did it incredibly poorly. Like you were one of the 10 worst people at your job. I’ll use myself as an example.
I delivered pizzas for about 5 years. Not incredibly high paying but it pays pretty well for what it is. Now let’s say that 49% of my deliveries ended up at the right house. Let’s also say I also got into 6 car accidents. Pretty bad numbers. Let’s say I managed to do all this in the first three months of the year and then I got fired. Now go back and look at Spurge’s career stats and tell me how much sympathy you have for him. He pocketed nearly for 400k in two years. I’m sure he can handle a little ribbing from a blog he’ll never hear of (and certainly never read).
How much sympathy? That’s right: none. So next week when your team falls behind by three touchdowns in the first quarter (I’m looking at you Minnesota) or you fall hopelessly behind in that ping pong game against your brother in-law or your wife won’t stop banging the neighbor or you keep getting spawned in, like, the worst place EVAR on World of Warcraft just tell your competitor (or guild member or spouse) you’re done and it’s time to “Send In Spergon Wynn.”