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Adriana gave it her mispelled, repetitive and almost sort of convincing all to hook a paying porn customer.

I periodically scan through my spam email looking for Nigerian scams to troll.  Occasionally…very occasionally a sex spam email catches my attention.  It will allegedly be from somebody who has the name of a friend of mine.  I look at it and go, “Oh Deandra. Why you are emailing me out of the blue?”

I open up the email and read:

watch daddy destroy his daughter’s dirrty little fuck-hole live.

And then I go “Well Deandra, you need to spell check your marketing material if you want consumers to take your incest porn seriously.

And that’s usually about how long the emails are.  Until I came across this email from Adriana with the subject: “were you in town last night hah”

Intrigued by the inexplicable addition of “hah” to the subject line I opened the spam.

It was 954 words long.  (I know because I cut and pasted it into Word and started proof-reading it)

spam email

Click to embiggen

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Matt Fors wants to fight all women according to a stupid Youtube video featuring Matt Fors.

 

There were over 1.3 billion videos on Youtube as of March 2012.  No doubt that count is well over 1.5 billion today.  Over 60 hours of video is uploaded each minute of every day.  So while you watched 47 for Ted lead singer and pro-dude dude Matt Fors issue his challenge, 2700 minutes of footage was uploaded.

All of it was less stupid than this video.  And yet here we are.

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Chick-fil-A's Facebook Page Explodes In Wake Of CEO's Statements On Traditional Marriage

chick fil a

I’m not a buttsex man myself but I’ve had a Chick-fil-A sandwich and my honest review is “meh”.  2.5 stars max.  I think I’d probably be bit more opinionated on the backdoor.  But it’s all in the eye of the 2-hole.  (And yes that intro was all so I could work in the “eye of the 2-hole” phrase)

Anywho, it was a glorious day for corporate Facebook pages yesterday as the Chick-fil-A/Traditional Marriage/Anti-Gay kerfuffle whipped itself into a (frothy?) frenzy.  And for me that means only one thing: Time to be a cock-bag and bring nothing to the table.

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I don’t think anybody can be blamed for getting a bit of dark enjoyment out bad things happening at a Tony Robbins Unleash The Unlimited Power Of The Giant Within Your Teeth Seminar.

You’re smart.  Deep down you think “This guy is kinda fucking bullshit”, don’t you?  Of course you do.  You read this blog.

tony robbins

Tired of athlete’s foot? Combine the power of Tony Robbins thinkspeak hoo-doo and fire to vanquish your foot fungus forever!

And besides, who would defend people getting second and third degree burns at a motivational speakers conference?  You’d have to be pretty dumb.  Like Yahoo! commenter dumb. At least that’s what I thought as I waded into the 11,016 comments on the Tony Robbinis Foot Burning Spectacular that happened last week in San Francisco.

Prepare to second and third degree burns on your mind.  Unleash the Yahoo!

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A line from Wednesday’s Boston Globe article titled Leominster mayor: Police officer uttered racial epithet at Red Sox player Carl Crawford

Crawford said he was signing autographs before his Sea Dogs game when the fan called him a “Monday.” The racial epithet is less well-known. Urban Dictionary defines “Monday” as “Another way of saying [the N-word] without getting caught.”

It took them 7 paragraphs before they got to what the guy actually said which is racist too!

racist

That is the most racist gif I have ever seen.  But not as racist as Urban Dictionary’s descriptions of the days of the week.

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It’s been awhile since we’ve checked in with Uncle Chuckle’s Scaremongerin’ Editorial Showdown.  His cogent and erudite examination of Obama’s conspiracy to turn the Boy Scouts into the most flaming homo organization this side of GLAAD was breathlessly covered here a few weeks ago.

When Uncle Chuckles isn’t waxing conspiratorial he takes questions from his readers.  The questions have a nice folksy Americana tone that contrasts with the sinister nature of most of the questions.  Perfect for a website whose sole purpose seems to be to scare the ever-loving shit out of old white people. Sample question:

Chuck, I learned a lot from your series on Lyme disease and the dangers of tick bites. Speaking of infectious diseases, I had a science-buff friend tell me tapeworms can tap the inside of our brain, leading to all sorts of maladies. Ever heard of that? – “Squirming in Spokane”

“Yeah, ayo Chuck, I memorized every word of your five-part series on why the bathroom is the gravest danger to your family you’ll ever encounter.  We boarded over all of our bathrooms and dug a latrine in the backyard.  A bowling league buddy of mine told me that you have a 50% higher incidence of E. Coli and salmonella when feces is not properly disposed of.  That ring a bell with you? — “Pooping in Pacoima”

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[Full disclosure: I think Tosh is funny, both his show and his stand-up.  If that is an immediate deal-breaker for you then I just saved you from having to read the rest of this post. You are welcome.]

Many of the articles written on Daniel Tosh’s rape joke extravaganza begin with the following clip which is meant both to illustrate his boiling hatred of women as well as his manifest unfunniness:

I laughed at this.  I’ll explain later.

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