The Chick-fil-A FB Page Is For Buttholes

Chick-fil-A's Facebook Page Explodes In Wake Of CEO's Statements On Traditional Marriage

I’m not a buttsex man myself but I’ve had a Chick-fil-A sandwich and my honest review is “meh”.  2.5 stars max.  I think I’d probably be bit more opinionated on the backdoor.  But it’s all in the eye of the 2-hole.  (And yes that intro was all so I could work in the “eye of the 2-hole” phrase)

Anywho, it was a glorious day for corporate Facebook pages yesterday as the Chick-fil-A/Traditional Marriage/Anti-Gay kerfuffle whipped itself into a (frothy?) frenzy.  And for me that means only one thing: Time to be a cock-bag and bring nothing to the table.

First, a quick breakdown:

Chick-fil-A is religious as fuck.  They don’t open on Sunday.  The founder instilled a religious based management philosophy that continues to this day.  When they aren’t suing hippie Vermont t-shirt makers over copyright infringement they are supporting various organizations and groups that oppose gay marriage.

I’ll let you peel yourself up off the ground.

Things flared when last week the son of the founder went on to say that Chick-fil-A is:

“We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.”

[Wikipedia]

You can imagine how this went over with the gays.  And where’s the best place to scream at each other about a civil rights issue?  A fast food Facebook fan page of course.

It’s a Christian company so you can imagine which response was the most common.  Yup. The third.

For those who don’t read this blog much, I’m an unequivocal gay marriage supporter.  It’s a civil rights issue and history will not look kindly on those opposing gay marriage.  You know those people standing around screaming about not wanting to go to school with negros?  You are them.  They dressed it up as a state’s rights issue (which the defenders of marriage eventually will do as well) whereas social conservatives dress it up as a moral issue (when they aren’t claiming it’s a “lifestyle choice”).

Or they talk about the slippery slope.  “If you let gays marry then where do we stop?  People will marry their cats.”  Good. Let’em marry their cats. The fuck do you care?  You really think things are going to be one goddamn iota different if the crazy cat lady at the end of the street files jointly with Professor Snickerdoodles?

That being said, Chick-fil-A can say whatever they want.  You want to support traditional marriage?  Knock yourself out. You’re against gay marriage, great.   I can’t wait to laugh in your face when the amendment passes.  But as everyone likes to remind everyone else on the internet “It’s a free country phaggot!!!!”

So where should a good patriot go to make zero difference on anything? The Facebook fan page of a fast food company of course. The most useless forum for arguing gay rights EVAR.  Let’s get in there and dumb it up:

First, Bobette Faux?  That sounds like a name I’d make up for an SA post.  So obviously I love her.  I like to think in that in a just world Bobette Faux is a troll profile that some other blogger is using to make fun of me right now.

Let’s test it:  Bizarro Something Authorly (if you are out there), on the count of three I want you to think the exact same thought as me.

One…two…gravy pipe!

I think that probably worked.

Second, all things in moderation?  You are so wise.  I shall dub thee NostraBobette.

Ho, ho, ho David!  Clever!  Cuz Jonestown/political trope or whatever (which I admit I spent way too much time blathering about at the end).

I would like to be there on the 25th day of David’s All-Day-No-Gay-Chick-fil-A-Par-Tay:

He slumps to the counter.  Coughs up a chunk of breading.  Sweating corn oil.  Eyes bloodshot.

David: I’ll [wheez] I’ll take a…[coughing fit]

Team Member: Mr. Aranovsky you don’t look so well.

David: It’s…[heavy breath] do you..water? [another coughing fit]

Team Member: Maybe you should go home Mr. Aranovsky.  You can skip a meal or a day even.  You’re already our best customer.

David: Can’t stop…gays won’t…know I…disapprove…of their lifestyle. [dies] [shits]

Always tops on my list when visiting a fast food joint: What kind of morals and convictions they got up in this bitch?  Thus why my fast food joint of choice is McDonalds.  I have yet to find another place that supports dead rat soccer.  Dead rat soccer players have been marginalized for too long. Viva rata muerta jugador de fútbol!

Click to bigify.

SavHannah is living out god’s word everybody!  Gather round while she slaps a #3 combo into her face.  It’s almost like being in Bethlehem for the baptism.  That chicken sandwich isn’t slathered in mayo.  That’s frankincense baby.

Sky Wizard is hovering over each Chick-fil-A today.  Fast food is so Christ-like.  So deep-fried.  I expect Jesus’ face to show up in a sandwich bun at any moment and start crying tears of blood.  Just because he’s so proud of fast food enthusiasts.

He’ll be almost as proud of them as he’ll be of the people singing his praises on a Facebook page.  In fact I’d say after this post SavHannah is in the clear for 5 pre-marital bouts of buttsecks.  Jesus won’t even put them in the ol’ sin ledger.  I guess there’s a payoff to posting on corporate Facebook fan pages after all.  God bless you patriots!

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