Full disclosure: I think Chuck Norris is an utter cunt. I’m disappointed that something as occasionally creative as Chuck Norris Facts has anything to do this pile of pubic hair with a black belt. It couldn’t have been Micheal Dudikoff Facts? He was in 75% of the American Ninja movies. That’s like punching a grizzly bear into the moon right?
Fear not those of you who take your political cues from Walker, Texas Ranger. Carlos Ray Norris has a column at WND. (World News Daily is a news site for people that find FoxNews’s agenda a little too socialist for their taste) And Carlos Ray is here to save the Boy Scouts from Barack Obama’s super secret but all-powerful gay conspiracy or something. Hiiii-Yaaaa!
Chuck is skeptical of Boy Scouts of America’s board member James Turley and his cushy relationship with Barry. Particularly after Mr. Turley’s announcement that he would work to change the BSA policy that bans openly gay scouts and gay scout leaders. And Chuck’s got big stupid suspicions that sort of never really lead anywhere but they’re provocative. And I like my half-baked conspiracy theories provocative or not at all. That’s my rule.
Chuck dives right in with a rhetorical round-house:
Is it a coincidence that Turley came out swinging against the BSA’s century-old policy to ban gays from leadership and that he has such close affiliations with the pro-gay Obama administration?
Waaa-paaaah! And another:
Is it a coincidence that Turley and his wife, Lynne, were just guests at a state dinner hosted by President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama in honor of U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron at the White House on March 14, 2012?
Keeee-haaaaa! And another:
Is it a coincidence that Turley was nominated to President Barack Obama’s Export Council in 2010?
Shoryuken!!!! I like where this is going Chuckles but could you work the Russians into it?
Is it a coincidence Turley was granted a seat on an investment advisory panel which met with none other than Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin in Moscow on Oct. 17, 2011?
Sweet, now kick a Siberian Husky in the face!
Rad! Now start the next nine paragraphs with the phrase “Is it a coincidence that…?”.
Which, he does. Trust me. He uses the phrase 17 times in his column. He has discovered the incredibly powerful rhetorical tactic of innuendo. And he is going to karate chop it into our skulls. Somewhere Glenn Beck is crying his eyes out and also loving what a patriot Chuckster is.
Chuck’s whole argument essentially boils down to wealthy and powerful people running in the same circles.
Is it a coincidence that Turley is in tight cahoots with the White House and that he is the only BSA national board member in 100 years to oppose its pro-traditional family stance?
Tight cahoots? The CEO of one of the largest professional service companies in the world has connections to the President? Powerful people [gasp] run in the same circles? Why wasn’t I made aware of this? This is unprecedented in the history of politics! What a nefarious plot! But…
IS IT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE, CHUCK? TELL US!
Is it a coincidence that back in January 2010 President Obama nominated Katherine G. Hammack, who was formerly a leader in Ernst & Young’s Climate Change and Sustainability Services, as the assistant secretary of the Army (Installations and Environment), Department of Defense?
No, no, no, no, fuck-hole! You don’t ask me if it’s a coincidence back! Gah! I already asked if it was a coincidence. You’re supposed to scream “YES!” and then roundhouse kick an exploding toddler:
But to answer each one of your questions, Chuckles–no. It’s not a coincidence. It also doesn’t mean anything. See watch. I’m going to ask a bunch of ominous questions:
-Is it a coincidence that Chuck Norris has co-hosted infomercials for the Total Gym Fitness with Christie Brinkley, longtime Democrat?
-Is it a coincidence that Christie Brinkley recently owed nearly $531,000 in back taxes to the IRS (despite a net worth of $80 million dollars) and WAS NOT water-boarded by our conveniently Democratic administration?
-Is it a coincidence that Brinkley once dated Olivier Chandon, heir to Moet and Chandon, a champagne house that rose to prominence as the de facto champagne supplier for Napoleon among other other early 19th century despots?
-Is it a coincidence that Billy Joel, ex-husband of Christie Brinkley, played a series of concert in Soviet Russia in 1986 while married to Christie Brinkley?
-Is it a coincidence that Christie Brinkley has donated more than $100,000 to organizations and candidates of the Democratic Party?
These Brinkley-Obama cords, correlations, and connections barely scratch the surface but they spell out clearly that President Obama along with Democratic Party donors and the House of Moet and Chandon have been in tight cahoots since at least 1804 in a time-space continuum bending conspiracy to turn Chuck Norris into a–
Oh and also Soviets. Boogah! Boogah!
Also, who gives a fuck if Obama is pulling strings to influence a board member so some day openly gay kids get to join the Boy Scouts and be as miserable and bored as the straight kids? (I say openly because there are now and always have been gay scouts; they just didn’t tell Chuck Norris)
Norris goes on to quote JFK (Democrat…the prophecy is true!)
“It has helped to mold character, to form friendships, to provide a worthwhile outlet for the natural energies of growing boys and to train these boys to become good citizens of the future. … In a very real sense, the principles learned and practiced as Boy Scouts add to the strength of America and her ideals.”
Yeah, that is some shit we do not want the gays getting their homosexual little fingers on. Friendships are for straights, homos! And so is good citizenship. Get with it!
But seriously, who thinks this is making society better other than Chuck Norris? Gay kids don’t have it tough enough? We gotta kick’em out of Webelos? Are we that heartless? We’re booting marginalized kids out of Webelos? Where’s the good turn in that?
Gay people can’t be Boy Scouts cuz…kung-fu?
I have a better idea, let’s have nobody be Boy Scouts. They have a fucking Bugling Merit Badge? That is the first sign of a club you don’t want to be in. Actually your first sign is that Himbokal is in it. Your second sign is a bugling merit badge.
But then if the BSA suddenly grew a conscience they’d end up on the receiving end of a Chuck Norris junior high school reading level screed like this WDN column and nobody wants to read through that shit. So goddamn repetitive.
But until the day that Jesus roundhouse’s Chuck Norris into that great dojo in the sky, we are left reading this drivel. Keee-yaaaahhh!