Do want your ex back but just don’t know how? At a loss for the right venue to resurrect your dead-ass romance? Cosmo has a plan. And it appears a woman in Pennsylvania may have put that plan into action on Saturday night. Sure, whacking a skeezer in the brain with a brick sounds bad. But that’s when you look at “reality”. We all know reality and Cosmo go together like not-putting-your-finger-in-a-butt and Cosmo.
First, to Monroeville, Pennsylvania where, CBS News reports, Lynaa Dobbins marched into Chuck E Cheese with a brick, a knife, and a dream last Saturday night. Lynaa was understandably not happy that her ex had a new girlfriend. She pulled out a knife and that’s when things got dicey. Hi-Yo!
She cut one tramp’s ear and then proceeded to whomp another triflin’ ass ho upside the head with the brick. She also hit two other women that was all up in her business anyway.
And this was during the birthday party her and her ex-boyfriend’s son. Apparently you non-vite Lynaa at shit will get bricky. And bitey. A bystander tried to cool everybody out but was promptly bitten in the chest.
Her wound was cleaned at the scene.
Phew. Big exhale.
The brickee was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Lynaa was taken to the hoosegow where she was probably asked, “What the fucking fuck are you fucking doing, you dented fallopian tube?”
I’m sure the fuzz will come up with some explanation about “heated moment” and “wildin’ out” and “aggravated assault” and phheerr, pherr, phhhftt. But ladies, I think we know what happened here: Cosmopolitan magazine.
Amirite? (I know that’s rhetorical, but in this case I am also…rite.)
Let’s take a look at the 6 steps that led to Lynaa’s almost successful attempt to re-kindle her romance. According to Cosmo:
1. Before contacting your ex, ask yourself two key questions.
The first is whether you have feelings for him. In Lynaa’s case I think the answer is a resounding yes. Sure they might be stabby, bitey, brick-slanging feelings but aren’t those valid too? The second question is was the relationship healthy before? Obvs.
2. If your answer to both questions was yes, go ahead and reach out.
To Chuck E Cheese we go! Don’t forget the shiv. And the brick.
3. One last thing before asking him out: Figure out whether he’s single.
No time for that shit! I’m rolling to Chuck E Cheese!
[Side note: Rolling to Chuck E Cheese with a brick and a knife is only slightly creepier than what Cosmo recommends which is "If he doesn’t list his relationship status online, check out his Facebook photos to see whether the same girl reappears in various cozy poses with him." And if you are unable to ascertain his "sitch" via net-lurking do some real lurking and stake out his house. This is the love of your life after all. If you aren't willing to stalk then you're probably a lesbian and should go play softball in your Subaru or something. I'm paraphrasing Cosmo here.]
4. Good response so far? Suggest a short, low-key meet-up, like going out for coffee.
What’s more low key than Chuck E Cheese? It’s a family type place which guarantees his familial instincts will be revved up (especially with his own kid around) and if things take a turn you’ve always got the brick and the knife which will end of the meet-up before things get awkward.
5. During your rendezvous, casually reminisce about funny, romantic, or exciting times you had together — like a fantastic trip you took or how you first met.
Remember that time when I showed up at a kid’s pizza place (and gambling den of sin) with not one but two deadly weapons? God, that was classic me! Cosmo recommends finding “a way to subtly make physical contact, like letting your knees touch his under the table.” Maybe by sliding a knife across his neck and giggling in a sexy non-Fatal-Attraction kind of way. Now here’s the key: “Notice if he pulls away or relaxes into you.”
6. Wait, don’t carried away quite yet!
I think we can forgive Ms. Dobbins here. Step 5 is ambiguous. “He sat incredibly still when I ran the blade of my knife down his neck.” That’s not “moving away” and that’s not tense. Tense people fidget. They don’t freeze, unblinking. As far as Bricky’s concerned this is a mile of green lights.
I suspect Lynaa was going in for the kiss or challenging the ex to a sensual game of Skee-Ball when the aforementioned triflin’ ass ho (re: old strange) showed up. And that’s where the brick comes in handy.
Now we can question whether the brick was an overreaction. Sure aggravated assault is technically illegal. But what’s legal when you’re trying to revitalize the sexxay? And I’d say this is at least 50% Cosmo’s fault. This isn’t the first time Cosmo has caused somebody to get stabby.
Who of us is immune to Cosmo’s violent tuchus diddling siren song? That’s right. No one. But I think I would go a more romantic route. Soft rock from the 70′s? Perhaps some sweet licks from legendary LA five-piece? Don’t mind if I fucking do:
“Baby come back, cuz I’ve got a brick with me
I went online and Google’d everything about you
Baby come back, let’s enjoy Chuck E. Cheese
I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you”
Bonus line: “And if I can’t have you then I’ma brain this bitch with cinder block cuz fuck that.”