A things being equal, a well-qualified corgi would be a great asset to the team.
I look through Craigslist ads for a couple of hours each day. As I’m willing to do anything I read a lot of different ads. I read a lot of entry level ads. If someone asked me to define entry-level I would say:
Entry Level Position: A job that, following a week of training, can be satisfactorily performed by a corgi.
It’s entry-level. Applicant fogs a mirror? Applicant is hired.
But nope. Not for me. I’d like to think it’s because:
But the lack of responses I’ve received indicates I may not be orverquerliferd. But I constantly see qualifications for which a corgi is qualified for.
So I sat down with SA’s resident (and fairly pretentious) corgi named Corgi and we reviewed some prospective job opportunities.
Here are Corgi’s impressions of three job ad listings:
The Job: Sports and Entertainment Marketing – Entry Level
Selected Qualifications:
Competitive nature
Ability to attempt communication with various contacts within businesses
A natural outgoing personality
Corgi is amused at the phrase “ability to attempt”. Corgi finds this phrase reminiscent of commercial that he saw a while ago for a drug called “Abilify”. Corgi can not remember if popping pills enable anyone to try to make a phone call. Corgi believes the term “natural outgoing personality” is code for “airy-fairy dipshit”.
Strong organizational skills
Effective time management
An ability to relate and identify with the needs of students and recent graduates
Corgi is curious why he must relate and identify to the needs of students and recent graduates. As Corgi understands it, these students are going to be saddled with crushing debt. Thus very little buying power. Corgi also finds this demographic to have an annoying sense of entitlement.
True entrepreneurial spirit
Corgi wonders why someone who possesses this qualification would go to work for someone other than himself. Corgi suspects this was thrown into the ad because entrepreneurial has many syllables.
Self-motivation
Past sales experience is helpful, but not required
A positive attitude
Desire to work in a progressive, casual work environment!
As someone who doesn’t wear clothes, Corgi is intrigued with this company’s laissez-faire work environment.
Is A Corgi Qualified For This Position? Indeed however Corgi has reservations about the business model.
The Job: Cart Assistant
Selected Qualifications:
Wholesale grocer seeking Cart Assistants to push our customers carts to their vehicle and load purchases into their car or truck.
As a wholesaler, the carts are large and some items are heavy. Also, we are a busy place with a small parking lot and need to get people in and out as quickly as possible.
So we need people that want to work hard and hustle.
If you are a dedicated worker who pays attention, there is long-term potential here.
This is an excellent entry-level position because it does not require experience, only hard work.
Corgi is mildly insulted that Himbokal made him read this. Corgi is dumbfounded with the phrase “dedicated worker who pay attention”. Corgi can not fathom what sort of dedicated worker is applying to push carts. Corgi finds it to be a blatant lie that a something could be an excellent position and also require no experience. Corgi is also deeply suspicious of the phrase “long-term potential” in the context of cart assistant.
Compensation: $8/hr.
Corgi turns his snout up at this. Corgi shops at Whole Foods and Corgi will be goddamned if he going to move downmarket to Trader Joe’s.
Is a Corgi qualified for this position? Corgi is not amused by this question. Corgi has a bachelor’s degree in Latin. Corgi will not entertain offers for less than $25/hr.
via everything is evil.
The Job: Creative/Business Intern Ninja
Corgi’s small hairy balls itch every time a job listing requests someone be a [insert thing that nothing to do with ninjas] dash ninja. Corgi would like to formally request that any hiring manager who uses the term “ninja” in a job posting for anything other than an actual fucking ninja automatically be given a virus that installs kiddie porn on their computer and then alerts the police. Corgi believes this would constitute cosmic justice for ruining the word ninja for everyone.
Are you itching to help out a team of creative cats?
Corgi finds the unironic use of the term “cats” nauseating.
Are you eager to learn more about the special event industry?
Do you wish you could put every piece of clutter into its own special box?
Do you love being needed and an important aspect to a company’s growth and day-to-day activities?
Do you love quickly running errands like a bunny wabbit?
Corgi is now vomiting. Corgi is unsure if this is from the bar of soap he ate earlier or your use of “bunny wabbit”. Corgi is staring at you balefully while half-heartedly sniffing his puke. Look what you have reduced Corgi to with your patronizing job ad.
Do you love talking to people and making them feel like they’re part of the family?
Do you love making people smile because of all the awesomeness you bring to the table?
Corgi is now eating his own vomit. Corgi would rather eat his own vomit than read another Craigslist job ad with the non-word awesomeness (or it’s detestable cousins “amazeballs” and “awesome-sauce”) in it. Corgi does admit that there was a 90% probability that he was going to eat his own vomit regardless.
If you answered YES to these questions, then we are looking for you.
We are a small, high energy and admittedly a little “woo-woo” creative company looking for a TOP NOTCH INTERN!
Corgi would like to know what exactly was to be accomplished by caps-locking the last three words in that sentence. Corgi does not like to be screamed at by idiots who use the term “wabbit” in job ads.
YOU MUST love helping people and have an obsession about finding a better way to do things and be very self motivated!
Corgi could die a happy dog if he never reads another job ad where “obsession” is listed as a desirable quality.
YOU MUST BE IN IT TO WIN IT!
Corgi despises this term and people who use it. Corgi wishes to bite off the penis of author of this ad. Corgi advises him to sleep with one eye open.
We want to know WHY you want to work for us and WHAT qualifies you as a Business Intern Ninja.
Corgi thinks the WHAT qualifies him for this job is that HE realizes how fucking STUPID it looks to capitalize random words. Corgi finds it almost AS dumb as requesting THAT an intern be a NINJA. Corgi prays that you don’t capitalize anything else.
We start interviewing immediately and are looking to fill the position in August! BAM!
This job ad makes Corgi appreciate that veterinarians are allowed to put dogs to sleep.
Is Corgi qualified for this position? Sadly, yes.
What job ad phrases and qualifications make your dick/vagina/corgi balls itch?
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Are there jobs that require you to say Livin the Dream? That make my vagina corgi balls itch
I thought that was every job ever. I’ve never had a job where I didn’t hear that phrase on a weekly basis.
The director of sales at my job says “living the dream” every time anyone asks him how he’s doing. It’s so annoying I want to punch him in his vagina corgi balls. That saying should be removed from the American lexicon. Grrrrrrrrr (my corgi impersonation)
Does he give you the finger guns when he says it?
“Ability to work individually or as part of a group”. I’m not sure what other scenario you could possibly work in… Does pushing carts with Corgi count as neither individual or group work? Say I like working with fire or holograms, or holograms of fire. Am I in some sort of nebulous laboring category where both individual and group tasks are unmanageable? Rendering me unemployable? This stinks of racism (read: Corgi).
I would say that pushing carts with Corgi (where he to stoop so low as to accept that posish) would be considered working in a pair. Which brings it’s own complications. Is a pair a group? Is it a team? Is a team necessarily a group? The terms are so, well, nebulous.
Perhaps this is why Corgi remains sprawled on the couch watching ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ marathons.
Honey Boo boo child!
But…my vagina doesn’t have corgi-balls. I’m practically a ninja and the idea of some douchebags with start-up capital from their parents having a ninja run to get them no-whip soy lattes makes me want to origami their stupid asses.