The following is excerpted from Something Authorly’s Corporate Mission Statement (Version 2-II.03):
Something Authorly strives to be a blog game changer and create robust site traffic through buy-in to our corporate values:
-Serving the blog vertical
-Leveraging impact solutions
-Reaching out to emerging social networks through value add posts
-Implementing best practices by disambiguating our core competencies
-Acquiring low hanging fruit without boiling the ocean
-Making hay outside the bleeding edge of the box through dynamic internal socialization
Now that SA contains 60-some posts it became necessary for senior management to develop and implement a mission statement to be our “lode star” to guide “our ship”. As anyone who runs a major corporation can tell you, as you grow, there is a danger of losing focus. A corporate mission statement completely solves this problem for eternity. No longer will my intern Will reinvent the wheel because of ambiguous core values. We pow wow’d and aggregated a list of actionable items to move the needle here at SA. Now when we say moving the needle, we mean taking concrete steps to expand our core business while allowing new concepts to incubate. The net-net is that moving forward we will create greater shareholder value as well as brand integration into digital communication hubs. By striving towards innovation we will create a culture of failing forward which ultimately produce shovel ready posts that produce maximum unique page-views. At the end of the day the take away is that Something Authorly will be in prime position to position itself as a market leader in the web content sphere.
Here is my hand. Please action it up and down.
We surveyed hundreds of mission statements to get the lay of the land in our competitive set’s niche market. I must say, these mission statements read a little bit like dating profile blurbs. They were pretty hawt. I decided to further investigate their moving parts and see if I couldn’t get them to open the kimono. It’s the only way to make sure Something Authorly remains the long pole in the tent. What follows is the correspondence between myself and a few companies that I tried to synergize with:
From: himbokal@gmail.com
To: chubb@chubbco.com
What up, what up, what up! Peeped your mission statement and I like where you head is at (lolz!)! I just relocated to LaLa but I’m willing to move for the right corp. as long as we have some synergy. Plus I like how generous you are with ur money. Hit me up if you like my mission statement. Laterz ;)
Himbokal
From: himbokal@gmail.com
To: hershey@hershey.com
Hey Hershey, how you doin? Just thought I’d shoot you a note to say I’m feelin’ your mission statement. Straight to the point and shooting for the stars. I dig that. Lemme know if you’re down with my mission statement and let’s get together and get things crackin’. Also I have a bet with my bro that you can settle for us. What’s the percentage of IM’s you get that reference highway? The over/under was 75%. Pea-ceze.
Himbokal
From: himbokal@gmail.com
To: jpmorgan@jpmorganchase.com
Hey girl, I saw your mission statement and I wasn’t sure if maybe you entered it wrong or maybe this was supposed to be in your prospectus or something but just a heads up that you’re probably losing out on a lot of views since this mission statement makes it seem like you aren’t really looking for corporate synergy. Maybe sending the wrong message. Holla.
Himbokal
From: himbokal@gmail.com
To: levi@laidlawinternallevistraussco.com
Hey Levi,
Cool mission statement but remember confidence is key in creating corporate synergy. Nobody likes a braggart. Your mission statement kind of comes off a little douchey. Plus don’t you guys just do jeans? You can’t clothe somebody completely in jeans. Or well you can, but only Canadians and (though it helps your share price) it’s a terrible look. All denim all the time is no way to go through life. Anyways, just a little food for thought. Consider this a teachable moment. Out.
Himbokal
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Unfortunately, SA experienced a lot of blow back from these correspondii. Or more succinctly we had screwed the pooch and were dangerously close to punting. We weren’t gaining any traction in our networking strategy and since we’d spent the better part of our stand-up meeting empowering our associates, it was too late in the game to change course. I decided to be the point man for our S.W.A.T team and re-vitalize our blueprint in order to achieve a better flow through synergy scheme. We had spool up and go over the wall.
From: himbokal@gmail.com
To: mbna@mbna.com
I’m sure you’ve been hearing this a lot but you got it going on! Hot like fire! Objectives, incremental sales, reinforcing brand loyalty? I got have half a chub just reading the first sentence. I usually just shoot a message to corps but you deserve the digits, straight up. Hit me back at xxx-xxx-xxx ext. xxx as soon as you get this and we can make some synergistic magic. Who knows, we might even be able to vertically integrate and merge! Seriously though, blow me up, sexy.
Himbokal
And it worked…sort of.
From: mbna@mbna.com
To: himbokal@gmail.com
Dear Sir(s),
Please do not contact us again. We have blocked you from viewing our mission statement or any other parts of our company profile. If you send anymore correspondence over our wall we will be forced to report you to the Better Business Bureau. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
MBNA
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At least it was a response. How were we to know that synergy wasn’t one of their corporate values? I thought it was everyone’s core value. Why else have a GD mission statement? Ah, well. It is what it is.
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I don’t know if you or your intern made adjustments to the filter or if something changed on my end but I can, once again, read your blog at work. Glory be his name.
I like the new banner logo… The rainbow is pretty.