Chat log excerpts from my fantasy football draft with my degenerate friends. And Mitt Romney.
[Draft Will Commence In 5 minutes]
Himbokal (Commissioner): Is everybody logged on? Hello?
Jizz Dick Cock-Hole: Here
Jizz Light-Year: Yo
Jizzdsay Jizzhan: Here
[Jizz Dripping From Your Anus logged in]
Himbokal: Wait, how many of you have the word “jizz” is your team name?
Jizzasterpiece Theatre: When you name the league “Boner Fuel”
Jizz Dripping From Your Anus: I’ve never not used jizz in my FF name
Himbokal: I’m pausing this for a minute. At least 3 of you have to change your name. Jizz Dick Cock-Hole who r u? U should change yours. Doesn’t even make sense.
[Jizz Dick Cock-Hole has logged out]
[0% Of The Black Vote has logged in]
0% Of The Black Vote: Better?
Himbokal: It’s the most truthful name in this whole league.
[Stormin' Mormon has logged in]
[Dreamsicle has logged in]
[Corgi has logged in]
0% Of The Black Vote: Excellent name old chap! That’s what we used to call Wilford Gardner back when he was the dean at UC-Berkley. Did you know Dr. Gardner well?
Jizzasterpiece Theatre: Fuck you Willard. Nobody cares about your magic underpants.
Himbokal: You know he could be president before this season is over
0% Of The Black Vote: And if I’m not winning I’ll just buy Yahoo! and erase this league
Jizzdsay Jizzhan: Hi-Yo!
[Adrian Peterson is nominated for bidding]
Himbokal: Purple Jesus!
0% Of The Black Vote: LOL because he’s not Jesus!
Jizz Light-Year: You know something is lost when you explain the joke, cock-gobbler
0% Of The Black Vote: I’ll wager you $10,000 it isn’t, homo fag boy sissy
Stormin Mormon: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Dreamsicle: not cool Mitt. not cool
Jizzdsay Jizzhan: Yeah, stop being such a cum-guzzling fuck-slut and show a little sensitivity
Corgi: Can we have one round where somebody doesn’t call someone else a cum-guzzling fuck-slut?
[Tim Tebow is nominated for bidding]
0% Of The Black Vote: All right, one of my people!
Himbokal: Your people? What religious zealots?
Stormin Mormon: He’s means white people.
0% Of The Black Vote: White people are football players too, my friend.
Jizzday Jizzhan: Zing! Score one for R-Money.
Jizzasterpiece Theatre: You know Tebow drinks pus as part of his diet? He has it shipped from medical centers. Says it helps prevent nocturnal emissions.
0% Of The Black Vote: He’s a Christian and a winner. Who cares what he does off the field?
Corgi: I have a better arm than him. That’s not hyperbole. I could beat him straight up in a quarterback competition. If the Jets start him, they are announcing that they suck so hard that they’ll start a QB that is worse than a dog.
0% Of The Black Vote: But he’s a winner.
Himbokal: Careful Willard.
[Stormin Mormon has logged off.]
Himbokal: where’s he going? we have like a 135 more players to draft. Doesn’t he want a shot at Legadu Naanee? Legadu. I can’t stop typing it. Legadu.
[Stormin Mormon has edited his team name to 0% Of The Black Vote As Well]
[0% Of The Black Vote As Well has logged in.]
Corgi: I feared something nefarious like this would happen. I need to get a job.
Jizz Dripping From Your Anus: fuck is this shit?
0% Of The Black Vote As Well: Willard has bought 30% of my team and as part of that 30% he gets controlling interest in my draft picks. Don’t worry though we will remain totally separate entities and obviously the rest of the league will be able to veto any trades if you think they are unfair.
Jizzday Jizzhan: Mittenz you cum guzzling fuck slut!
Dreamsicle: sepsis filled shit sucker!
Himbokal: Hey everybody just calm down.
Jizz Lightyear: Yo why are we even playing with this guy? It’s not like any of us are friends with him.
Jizzasterpiece Theatre: Yeah, where you’d even meet this bro? How do you know it’s really Mittens?
Himbokal: Dudes he paid $150 to enter the league.
Dreamsicle: Why would he pay 5 times more than any of us?
Himbokal: He told me this sob story about he’s never been in ‘make believe’ football league before and he really wanted to run his own but he couldn’t figure out the settings
0% Of The Black Vote: It’s true. They are very complicated. Even Ann couldn’t figure out how to adjust the scoring on return yards.
Himbokal: Anyway I said I’d sell my commissioner spot for a $150. Then he gave me another $500 to get people to join.
Corgi: But there’s only like $300 to the winner in this league?
Jizz Lightyear: So you’re saying he’s also the commissioner and he owns two teams? This league is bullshit! It’s totally stacked in his favor!
0% Of The Black Vote: Of course it’s stacked in my favor, my friend. I worked harder than you to manipulate the system. U mad bro?
Jizz Dripping From Your Anus: Which one of you fuckers taught him memes?
Have a fan-tasty weekend.
OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 18
Yoko is following: 888,107 (+21,616)
@SomethingAuthor is following: 1601 (+6)
Recap: Here’s another fun fact about Yoko. Her daughter, Kyoko (the titular Kyoko of one of the worst song ever purposely recorded) was kidnapped by Yoko’s ex-husband and taken to live in a cult for 6 years. The 1970s were a crazy time.
Something Authorly Follower Of The Week: Connor Trout @ConnorTrout
This could be a novelty account or there really could be an 18-year-old who wants to be on city council in Ladera Ranch. I did look up Ladera Ranch and it is a real town in southern Orange County. It is the home town of such notables as Warren G, erstwhile 9th round fantasy pick Mark Sanchez, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, and light-hitting MLB infielder Nick Punto. Anyway his Twitter is pretty funny and he could really use your vote. Trout2012!