Tiz the season for one of the greatest traditions of mankind. A tradition that goes to the very soul of who we are as a society. It is as old as apple pie and as American as time. It’s the tradition of attending holiday parties (professional and not) and having a sweet ass time without serious life-changing repercussions. It’s the three weeks of the year where we try not to get fired (or get your significant other fired), get pregnant(or impregnate), die in a fiery car-crash, lose friends, gain unwanted friends, break bones, break somebody else’s bones, get a DUI, get demoted, get your picture posted in the break room, and just generally get got. All while sloshed every weekend night on cut-rate champagne and lethally strong eggnog.
|Sorry Bob, promotion’s off, job’s off, and the Department of Homeland Security would like you to call them.
Let’s face it: more than any other time of year the holiday parties are a time when you are getting drunk with people that have a lot of sway over your professional as well as personal life. Rarely during the year do you get hammered with co-workers or your SO’s co-workers and if you do, the boss isn’t usually there. At the holiday parties the boss and his boss and every other boss is there stiffly nursing a vodka soda making polite, reserved conversation (can’t make it seem like I want to run) and counting down the minutes until they can get the fuck up out of there because after all, this is a minefield for them too because the division presidents are here judging and he hasn’t seen a single one of them drink anything stronger than Perrier which is why he went the vodka soda route in case the CEO (fucking prick fucker that he is) comes over for the prerequisite waste of time conversation where he asks if the wife is here even though he knows damn well she divorced me for innumerable offenses not the least of which was the holiday party five years ago when my admin was caught playing Rock’em Sock’em Boxing with my dong in the linen closet next to the ball room.
Or something like that. Anyway, point is even the boss has to be careful at holiday parties. So how are you going to navigate the minefield of holiday parties and still somehow have a good time and maybe (if you are single…. or a total scum-hole) engage in some suprise buttsecks? Follow these Holiday Party Tips and you’ll gainfully employed and not lamenting a month of wasted weekend come the New Year.
|“The boss just bet me $20 you couldn’t do the worm all the way to the unemployment office.”
Tips For Professional Holiday Parties
Do plan to quit around the time of the holiday party. Especially the week of. You want to talk about freedom from consequences? This is the Titanic of freedom from consequences. Maybe that’s not the right analogy but it takes a lot of the pressure and inhibition off which is good for everybody else other than superiors. Just think about how much enjoyment and gossip you’ll provide for your soon to be former coworkers. And you can just strut around lighting people up about all the shit they do that has always driven you nuts.
Don’t stay sober. Yes, it sounds like a great idea and if you don’t lose control you can’t lose your job or the respect of your co-workers. You know what else you can’t do? Have an ounce of fun. Please. You think Gary from IT’s long story about the gas mileage his Prius gets is going to be more bearable minus intoxicants?
Do look for small items to nick from the office. Everybody’s loose. The holiday spirit’s in full effect. You probably got a box or bag for the crappy white elephant gift you’re going to leave in the bathroom. Stuff it with some office supplies. Everybody needs a new mouse and a couple of staplers. Seriously, you need a new mouse. Have you looked at yours lately? The rubber pads are all coming off and shit.
Do check for security cameras. Maybe draw yourself a little map or something.
Don’t get so hammered you forget where the security cameras are and take a piss on your boss’s car in the parking ramp. While funny (and deserved), it will get your ass fired and probably make it onto You-tube. Of course if your goal is pump up the stats on your You Tube account then this might not be a bad idea.
wait too long to do the obligatory stilted holiday conversation with your boss. The earlier on the better. The later in the evening, the more likely that one or both of you are going to start actually
having a conversation which is a lot like bedding down a co-worker you don’t know very well. It seems like a good idea at the time and you wonder why you didn’t do this earlier but there’s almost no chance that it will seem radical in hindsight. Especially when the only thing your boss really remembers from the conversation is you were frighteningly adamant that Tim Tebow
“should be F’d in his F’ing A with a GD D!” (you were still sober enough to keep it to professional language).
Do bang your co-workers. I was just kidding before. This is always a good idea (SO notwithstanding). In fact the holiday party is the best time to do this. There is an assumed amount of monkey business that goes down over the holiday season. It’s taken with a grain of salt. Just be prepared for a certain amount of herpes as well. About 50% of the dirt bags you work with got stuff going on with their downstairs parts that is definitely against company policy. Luckily a lot of that stuff is curable but I want to see condoms people! You know my motto: Safety first, general skankery and whorishness second.
Now get out there and be the baddest motherfucker that ever stepped foot into the 3rd Annual Greater Fayetteville Association of Nursing Assistants and Registered Nurses Holiday Party-Geddon!
*In blog related news, in the next week or so Something Authorly is making a move to its own domain. It will be moving to SomethingAuthorly.com. It will also be moving eventually to a WordPress blog so the layout will be slightly different but allegedly more user friendly. You won’t have to do anything yourself. You should be automatically redirected to the new site and besides you’ll still get the thirteen-hundred social network reminders that I posted something even though you goddamn well know it’s a Tuesday and don’t need some snotty little blog author reminding you every goddamn other goddamn day. Goddamnit.
And, as always, I love you so hard.