James Crittendon: constitutional scholar, homeless, probable Adele fan.
First, a quick test: Which one of these men believes you have a constitutional right to huff Reddi-wip?
Now I know what you are thinking and yes, The Hamburglar’s reign of terror is over. You are now free to leave your pyramid of McDonald’s burgers out for you to enjoy at your leisure instead of locking them up in your safe.
Oh and the correct answer to this quiz question is all of them.
Unfortunately we have no way of knowing if The Hamburglar and Sauron would support such an amendment. However, candidate #2, one James Crittendon of Louisville, KY espoused his unorthodox interpretation of the U.S Constitution whilst being arrested a few weeks ago after lighting a toilet seat on fire in a Speedway convenience store.
According to the report, Mr. Crittendon entered the Speedway and proceeded to open 10 cans of Reddi-wip, as is his constitutionally protected right, and get high as shit. He then went to the bathroom where he lit a toilet seat on fire.
Police, presumably alerted that a local professor type–probably from the law school at the University of Kentucky–was acting erratically, arrived on the scene and placed Professor Crittendon in custody. When asked why he lit the toilet seat on fire, Dr. Crittendon explained that it was for religious reasons.
The fatal flaw in Dr. Crittendon’s plan was that despite being an avid huffer and an expert on constitutional law he did not bring nearly enough money for 10 cans of Reddi-wip. Crittendon, who no doubt spends most of his time haunting the halls of academia, was unaware that Reddi-wip now sells for $2.39 per can rather than the $.70 he budgeted.
Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky), America’s dumbest senator, released a statement following the arrest:
Though I may personally find it reprehensible that so-called intellectuals come down from their liberal ivory towers and proceed to disrupt hard-working American’s places of business, I also believe that we have set a dangerous precedent when we use police powers to curb religious practices. This type of religious persecution is particularly worrisome in light of the current anti-religious climate where only Muslim jihadists and extreme homosexualists are allowed to flaunt their beliefs while God-fearing Christian patriots are forced to cower in gas station bathrooms in order to worship. I call on all Americans to boycott Speedway Corporation until they sign a declaration supporting the freedom to practice religion.
Following this statement a National Speedway Boycott day was planned for yesterday. Nearly 300 protesters surrounded the Speedway where Dr. Crittendon was arrested demanding the company cease its policy on restricting religious practices.
Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky), America’s dumbest senator, released another statement in the wake of the Speedway Boycott:
Though I respect the protesters right to assemble, I strongly disagree with boycotting businesses that are the economic engine of our republic. Punishing job creators is the first step towards class warfare. The politics of divisiveness serve no one in this great democracy. I will work to simplify the tax code so that good American companies like Speedway are not penalized for being successful.
After his second statement, Mr. Paul was asked if this statement directly contradicted his previous official statement. The junior senator from Kentucky replied, “Contra-what-ed?”