After obtaining beer homeless hipster tells victim of theft that Fleet Foxes are 'overrated'.
Though he probably would have preferred to be thieving single cans of beers in Williamsburg, Brooklyn or Portland rather than Lincoln, Nebraska; Nehemiah Winters was at his wit’s end when he stole Jessica Robertson’s can of Pabst Blue Ribbon at fork point on April 27th, 2012.
Nehemiah, who was probably dressed as fucking Where’s Waldo but with an ironic mustache, approached Ms. Robertson while she sat on her porch. Jessica had just finished espousing on the greatness of American lagers and was about to light a Gauloises (which she had to order online with her Mom’s credit card and it took five days to ship them from Minneapolis but it was totes worth it) when Nehemiah strolled up to the party and asked for a beer.
One of Jessica’s friends, able to tell a closet Coldplay fan from a mile away, told him to pound salt. Nehemiah went around the corner and rolled his pants tighter and changed into a Grizzly Bear concert tee. He came back and asked again. Jessica told him he could have a beer if he could name Animal Collective‘s first album.
When Nehemiah correctly answered “Here Comes The Indian”, Jessica said “Lucky guess” and welshed on the deal which her friends thought was totally boss (though they were existentially conflicted due to homelessness’ inherent authenticity and street cred).
Left with no alternative, Nehemiah returned and flashed the handle of a fork (which was stuck in the waistband of his skinny jeans) and demanded a PBR. As the entirety of the party were staunch pacifists they complied with his demands even though it was totally not cool, bro.
According to the Lincoln Journal-Star, Nehemiah was arrested nearby with a partial can of beer (slamming PBR’s is so conformist), a fork, and a package of locally grown organic quinoa. He was charged with making terroristic threats which is deck. Unfortunately for Nehemiah’s hipster credibility, the charges were downgraded to Disturbin’ Tha Peace which he ironically pleaded no contest too while stifling a snicker.
The judge, who thought most of Animal Collective’s stuff after Danse Manatee was just a ploy for mainstream acceptance, sentenced Nehemiah to 30 days in the clink.
For her trouble, Jessica received 60 blue ribbons from the brewery manager at Pabst. She hung them on her apartment wall. Six months later an alt-bro remarked on how deck they were which sparked a conversation where he told Jessica he knew somebody at Pitchfork and could maybe possibly get her an internship.
The alt-bro later finger-banged a philosophy major whose entire wardrobe consisted of her grandmother’s sweaters.