10 ways for NBC to finish the job and make the Olympics unwatchable.
I love the Olympics. Love as in I watch closing montages of past Olympics on Youtube and get choked up. I’ll watch basically any sport (B the W have you seen Trampoline? Holy balls in a blender) and I’ll usually even sit through the puff pieces without too much grumbling (Oh my fucking god the ravens are the only thing holding the British Empire together!).
NBC is hell-bent on making the Olympics unwatchable though. Just a few hours ago they managed to cut to commercial as the Japanese women’s soccer team scored a goal. If they aren’t tape-delaying the everliving fuck out of events they are just plain missing them.
And then there’s the fact that they let the discarded skin from Dick Clark’s ball sack co-host.
Just come out and admit it NBC, you want this to be the worst Olympics coverage ever. It’s okay. I admire the contrarianism. But if you’re going to make it awful then really go for gold (amirite?). Just fuck it up six ways from Sunday. Here, let me help.
#10. Change Your Online Feed To This:
-Occasionally have a scene blink on for two seconds and play Al Michael’s Miracle On Ice call so that the viewer thinks they missed something historic but they can’t tell what. Profit.
#9. Eliminate Bob Costas via live phone vote. Replace him with Dick Clark’s leftover ball sack skin.
#8. Find the eight badminton players that were kicked out of the Games. Get them drunk. Broadcast best-of-9 series of them without commercial interruption whilst periodically spoiling actual events that are happening live.
-Have you seen this video by the way? It’s worse than your family reunion where your uncle drunkenly went for a spike and ended up tangled in the net like a dolphin.
#7. Appoint Kim Kardashian executive producer. Give her free rein.
-If Ryan Seacrest is even allowed in England during the Olympic Games why can’t Kimmy produce the Olympics? How hard could it be?
#6. Spend an entire day filming Mary Carillo telling cute 5-year-olds that Santa doesn’t exist. Broadcast it commercial free.
-Plus this fits right in with NBC’s weird obsession with showing athletes, particularly women, crying. They have some sick tear fetish over at the Peacock.
#5. On day 13 of the Olympics, re-broadcast day 13 of the 2008 Olympics. Spend rest of the news cycle arguing that this is what your viewers actually want and that the ratings were through the roof.
#4. Preempt ALL the finals!
-Just as every event is about to end cut away to a promo for one of your crappy sitcoms. Better yet cut to a promo for a show you cancelled already like The Marriage Ref.
#3. Film the entire Olympics with camera phones in vertical video mode.
-Yell out “World Star Hip-Hop!” repeatedly as part of your commentary.
#2. Partner with Facebook.
-This is guaranteed to make anything worse.
#1. Stay the course.
-You obviously don’t need my help to make the Olympics worse. You’re doing a hell of a job on your own. Keep calm and carry on.
Have a blundering weekend.
OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 16
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