Getting Back To Pretending To Be A Productive Member Of Society
Something Authorly has been off teh internets for the last week and a half or so. The transition to being employed from being super unemployed has been a little more jarring than Ol’ Himbo has expected.
It’s not that the job is hard or sucks or anything (I have absolutely nothing to complain about. And I like to complain. A lot. So that should tell you something. But unless this company is torturing babies in the basement or something I give them 5 stars. And even if they are torturing babies in the basement, you know what they say “Attitude is everything.” Be proactive and punch the baby before he starts crying! That’s called “taking ownership”.)
As you know, finding a job was a bit of a struggle. And nobody told me about the job helmet.
I’m here to help you with the transitioning from a lazy, mooching, entitled leech who won’t take responsibility for your life into an employed…lazy, mooching, entitled leech who won’t take responsibility for your life. Strap on your employed hat!
YOU’VE GOT THE JOB, NOW FIGHT TO KEEP IT. Or not really fight so much as stay off of everyone’s radar. Your strategery for making it through the 90-day probation period (after which you can never be fired for anything ever) is, well, Brad Pitt pretty much lays it out in Ocean’s Eleven:
And what Rusty was about to tell MATT DAMON is the number one-can’t fail-set in stone-guaranteed-lock of the week of the year of the decade for keeping your new job:
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE WEIRD. EVER.
This is really the only rule you need to make it through the 90 days. Now maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “Jobokal, what if I walked in and started farting on people’s hands and…oh wait. You’re totes right!” Why yes, hypothetical reader that always proves my point, I am right. Now stop interrupting.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to go over this but I have more than fifty stories (it’s like over even 75 or 78) of people doing incredibly weird things at work that would get you thrown out of that butt-chugging frat in Tennessee much less an actual jobby-job that pays paper money.
Let’s look at a couple of situations that occur during everyone’s 90-day probation period and how to successfully navigate them without coming across as weird. (These tips assume that the reader has 1.) A job they are interested in keeping, 2.) Is not at a sex shop/porn shoot/strip club/ since I will emphatically urge you not to orgasm in your new place of work but that might not be a deal breaker in these vocations and 3.) Isn’t a job the fringe elements of society tend to congregate, e.g. the carnival, meter maids, any type of “guru”, elected official, etc.)
The Situation: Everybody Is Talking About Their Favorite Television Show
It’s one of the first things you’ll learn about your co-workers. Everybody has their shows. There’s a show you hate? Somebody at your new job live blogs it and runs a fan site for it. Do not have any strong opinions about any shows during your probationary period (exceptions: The Wire; Seinfeld; The Sopranos–you’ll get a free pass on any of these even from people that don’t like them).
Also be wary of being into anything too much. Especially if it’s generally understood to be kid or teen oriented. Don’t wear a fucking SpongeBob tie or wear a Hello Kitty choker. I know “you are doing you” but you will not be retained if you show off your full back tat of TARDIS on day two.
The Situation: A New Co-Worker Appears To Fish For A Compliment
Best response? Anything non-committal and vaguely positive (“I think it/you/her/him/they look/seem/are great/nice/friendly”) Weird responses? Too much info (“Actually my Mom wears Spanx too but that’s only because her vaginal rejuvenation didn’t stick and now she has bladder control problems.”)
Oh and dudes, the 90-day probation period is not the time to make moves on chicks. You will come across as creepy at best.
You can disregard this rule if you meet the following two qualifications:
1.) You are attractive.
2.) You are not unattractive.
Actually this rule applies for women as well. (And you have a lot of leeway on number 2. Like turning an aircraft carrier type of leeway.)
The Situation: You Disagree With A Co-Worker
It’s going to happen. Probably sooner than later. Especially at the carnival. Turns out, clowns? Remarkably stubborn. One of the quickest ways to be categorized as “weird” is to argue with your new co-workers, especially about something job-related. This is a dead giveaway that you lack some basic social skills and situational awareness.
This is America. You’re going to work with idiots That should be right in there with death and taxes on the guarantee list. You are new. You are fighting to keep this job. Remember that.
The Situation: Your Co-Worker Is Weird
This is tough. But this is also part of why you need to put your time in. Eventually you’ll be able to discuss the monthly Furry Conventions you attend without shame.* Refrain from acknowledging your new co-worker’s weirdness while also putting out feelers to see if anyone else has noticed. Eventually you’ll find a clique to make fun of that person with.
In the mean time relax. There will be plenty of time to shit talk all of your co-workers once your soul has been crushed by your glorious new job. Enjoy these first few months where you can laugh with your friends about how Janine always smells like Hamburger Helper and has an obsession with decorative spoons.
And finally take an assessment after a few weeks. Look around the office. If you can’t point out the weird employee, well, that’s probably a sign you probably shouldn’t have told anyone you’ve been saving your clipped toenails in a shoebox for the last 13 years.
*Just kidding. You can never tell anyone that you are unable to ejack unless your partner is dressed as Tinky Winky. It is your cross to bear. We all have one. Me? I’m a perfectionist and sometimes I work too hard.