Time for some sexxay sexing news sex stories.
Oh c’mon, you’re thinking about sex anyway. Half of you unrepentant self abusers probably just watched or are prepping to watch some porn. Consider this your masturbatory appetizer.
Maybe so Spiderman. But you know what else happens to people with interesting lives? They get arrested. And as we all know, nobody ever got arrested for masturbating.
Actually I can’t back that up. Hundreds of thousands of people have been arrested for masturbating and other sordid sexxay crimes. Let’s learn about them!
All of these hawt news stories happened in the last week (or were reported on this week),
Dateline –Sexattle, WA:
Sure Tracy MacDonald is a five-time loser in the flasher game but he was absolutely NOT jerking off at a woman in a park last August 8th. Just because a man takes of his shirt and pulls his pants down to ankles and furiously rubs his dingus at a passerby does NOT mean he was masturbating. He was just getting some sun. Sexattle detective Donna Strangeland begs to differ and testified there was like, totes no sun where he was having a one person boner party.
Apparently not one to add insult to jerking off charges, Sergeant Bonerkiller did not point out that there is no worse town than Seattle to use sunbathing as an excuse for anything.
Dateline — Skindianopolis, IN:
Quick, what do you do if some asshole yells at you while you are minding your own business, masturbating at an apartment building? You are correct if you answered: Chase him down and whip him with your belt before busting out two of his windows (of a rental car as inexplicably mentioned at the end of this story) with your bare hairy palmed hands.
MASTURBATOR MAD! MASTURBATOR CRUSH WINDOW! MASTURBATOR JUST WANT TO FINISH! WHY YOU TORMENT MASTURBATOR? MASTURBATOR DOESN”T ASK FOR MUCH.
Dateline — Nookie York, NY:
This never occurred to me which I guess is why I’m not a sexual predator but I guess it’s fully possible to rub to “completion” against (I want to say people here but we all know it’s only fucking dudes that do this shit) fellow riders on packed subway trains. Unlike our last two stories where people masterbatted at women, these dudes masterbatted on women.
And one of them was busted after DNA linked him, huup, linked him to, oh god, DNA, [explosive vomiting], blarrrraaaaaarrghhhhh! Haarrraghaaasdddd!
Can we just issue all women a boa constrictor when they step on the subway? I think that would cut down on the “grinder” problem which is the terminology the courts use for masterbatting on people in crowded subways.
Dateline — Scorlando, FL:
You really thought we’d make it through this without a story from goddamned Florida?
Edwin Del Rosario whose name is much more distinguished than his public behavior was caught in the children’s section of the local library “making inappropriate motions in his lap while facing the children“. The police can’t accidentally shoot Edwin? The guy’s 60 years old. He not going to contribute to society. His idea of a solid Wednesday afternoon is to masterbat at kids?
At a library no less? Libraries are already having funding issues and you gotta show up and whip your dick out? I hope they put him in a cell with just a ceiling fan, a chair and a bunch of belts and shoelaces and long sheets that are easily fashioned into ropes.
Dateline — Yolohio
And then we have the sweetest neighborhood crime report to ever make the paper:
This story has everything: sex and death and drugs and movies and crime and irony and punishment and exploitation. All in three sentences. Whoever wrote up this report deserves ALL the Pulitzers.
Have a solitary (but not, you know, solitary) weekend.
OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 21
Yoko is following: 901942 (+9493)
@SomethingAuthor is following: 1601 (-1)
Recap: You want a recap? Why don’t you go out there and find another example of how suck Yoko Ono is and how cosmically unfair it is that she’ll follow a million people before I follow even two thousand and one? A million people. A million fucking tweeps. Fucking Yoko goddamned Ono. Go figure.
Also little progress this week. And like 14 followers just up and deserted me. Possibly because they love Willard.
Something Authorly’s Follower Of The Week: KidFreeLiving @KidFreeLiving
The term Kid-Free is like a dog whistle for me or something. Not that I don’t want to have kids someday but I just associate the term kid-free with everything that I like: booze, swearing, sex, really off-sides comments. Apparently KidFreeLiving and I think alike. Go read her blog here or just follow her on Twitter. Her blog slogan even involves being a more interesting person. Though we differ a bit there. Whereas she wants you to be more interesting in case she’s stuck on an elevator with you, I want you to be a person of interest. Preferably in a bizarre crime involving alcohol and chickens. You probably thought I was going to say masturbation didn’t you. Well good. Cuz I was.