Something Authorly tries to recreate Joshua Shelton's evening based mostly on how it ended.
You don’t even need to be told that the man in this headline, one Joshua Shelton, was tilted. However, I must say that I was somewhat disappointed in with the actual cause of the mass chicken-acide. For whatever reason I had it in my head that he had stolen some large farm vehicle and driven it through an industrial chicken coop.
Perhaps a combine or a tractor. I pictured tones of feathers and giblets everywhere. But nope, Joshie, 21, flipped off the circuit breaker which controlled food, water and cooling fans for large chicken coops.
He was found later passed out in a puddle of urine sans pants. He said the last thing he remembered was walking onto the chicken farming property after attending a nearby concert.
As someone who has hoisted a few beers in my day, I have the requisite experience to speculate on how the evening progressed. Here’s what I think probably happened:
5:00pm – “Dude, there are going to be so many hot bitchez at the show tonight! There is no way I’m not getting fucked tonight!” Josh utters this ominous pronouncement while pouring filling a Super Big Gulp cup with vodka and Red Bull.
6:00pm – Josh’s bros pick him up on the way to some pre-partying at local bar. Josh throws his now empty Super Big Gulp out the window. Bobby, who’s the DD, is a total buzzkilll about it and lectures Josh on how it’s a $1500 fine for littering in Maryland. Josh replies that “Maryland can blow him” which his friends laugh at despite the impossibility (on multiple levels) of that occurring.
7:00pm – While waiting for his second Irish Car Bomb, Josh explains to his bros for the third time that he is going to get “so royally fucked up tonight” and that “the world” better get ready.
8:30pm - The bros are running late for the concert after Josh spent 45 minutes arguing with the bartender that he only four Irish Car Bombs not six. The bartender eventually acquiesces to five just to get Josh out of the bar.
9:45pm – Josh suddenly realizes that he’s been staring at a Report Drunk Drivers poster above the urinal for the better part of 15 minutes. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror he notices for the first time how bloodshot his eyes are. He gives himself the sign of the beast and giggles.
10:50pm – Josh may be in a mosh pit or he may be in line for drinks. He keeps getting jostled. There is a hand in his pants. He realizes it is is his own.
11:15pm – Josh can’t find anyone he knows. The last cigarettes he lit were all backwards. Why do they put them in the pack backwards? He makes a mental note to email Marlboro tomorrow. On the bright side he found a $5 bill tucked into his underwear.
12:15am – Josh is walking. He’s been walking for a long time. The ground is crunchy. In fact everything is crunchy. And there are lights ahead. A car passes him. Probably Bobby. Fucker. Josh spins in a circle holding up two middle fingers.
1:00am -Josh finally finds the bathroom. This is like the hugest concert venue evar! Why would they put the bathrooms outside by these huge noisy buildings.
2:00am -Hrberhnsgahpadihfao ahskldj apioaesehr gotta take a piss bro, it’s in use man! Stop banging!;a dkajd fdiasanpsodnr zzzzzzzzz.
4:00am – “I killed 70,000 chickens? At the same time? God I am hungry. All I ate today was a pack of Totino’s Pizza rolls. You ever had those things before? They are the bomb, yo! What do you mean bail? Wait, where’s my pants?”
6:30am – “Dude bro, I need a serious favor. I need to borrow like $7500. No I didn’t throw five Big Gulps out the window. What the hell are you talking about?”