Justin Bieber: The Next Thousand Years

It’s been a rough week for Justin Bieber, the pop star whom Usher left as a gratuity after a particularly sumptuous steak dinner in Atlanta a few years back.  Over the weekend Biebs got a speeding ticket from some “not nice” fuzz after he weaved through traffic at speeds of around 90 to 100 miles per hour.

My first thought was “That lesbian will kill us all!”  Then I remembered I don’t have a car.

My second thought was “If it’s any consolation, Biebbles, you are probably going to live to be a thousand years old.

According to a number of scientists the first person to turn 1000 has probably already been born.  You know what that means?

A Thousand Years of Justin Bieber.  What?  You don’t think he’ll be one of the near immortals?  He’s got more money than your whole family and he’s only 18.  You know what kind of genetic engineering he can afford?  The super good kind that makes you live a millennium.

I’ve been watching Life After People lately.  I eat that shit up even though it’s the same episode every time.  Building/monument/work of art survives for awhile.  Grass grows.  Wild dogs show up.  And it’s all told in a vaguely menacing tone even when the details are mundane:  “And now, 5000 years after people the only echos of human language are produced in the vocalizations of species of parrot descended from a single pet parrot from Seattle named Mr. Beakers. [dun, dun, dun!]

Inspired by Life After People and Teen.com (they predicted which movie star Biebles would look like during each decade of his life- Clint Eastwood in his 80′s, natch) and utilizing the magic of the internet and my wondrous MS Paint skills; here’s a photo gallery of an aging Justin Bieber from now till 3012 or thereabouts.

BIEBS 2012:

Source: www.fabsugar.com.au

Looking squinty and insouciant and lacking the ever-present cross necklace.  Somebody must have figured out they are essentially immortal.

BIEBS 2042:

I know what you’re thinking and no I’ve never taken any formal training with Photoshop.  Completely self-taught.

Life After People Voiceover:

“Now, 30 years after Bieber turns 18, hair has begun to spring from his upper lip and chin forming a wild patch of hair that threatens overrun his face.  With little to stop him, Bieber embarks on a weight-lifting regimen that causes him to become more and more powerful with each passing year.”

BIEBS 2092:

I bet you didn’t know that 80 years from now, spider hand tattoos were going to come into vogue. Yup. And stick man tattoos. Oh and black shirts.

Life After People Voiceover:

“In the year 2092, 80 years after Bieber turns 18 (ed.note if you haven’t seen the show, they remind you of how much time has passed like the Weather Channel reminds you of the current temperature), Justin’s hair finally starts to succumb to the ravages of the sun and individual strands begin dying.  In the march of time all hair will eventually die. The skin under his eyes, once pore-less and pristine starts to show the devastating effects of moisture.”

BIEBS 2192:

Life After People skips through time haphazardly.  One minute it’s 100 years after people.  Then BAM! 325 years after people.  I don’t know how they decide which year to pick.  One of life’s mysteries I guess.

Life After People Voiceover:

“180 years after Bieber turns 18, his hair, nearly dead, has atrophied into what humans in the late 20th century would call an afro.  His pants, ravaged by moisture and termites have started to decay and now are in danger of falling off his body.”

BIEBS 2592:

Life After People Voiceover: 

“In the year 2592, 580 years after Bieber turns 18, after the ravages of over five centuries of exposure to the elements, Justin Bieber now looks exactly like Strom Thurmond.”

BIEBS 2892:

In Life After People nature always makes some “surprising adaptation” at some point.  Casinos turn into ideal bat caves or the Astrodome becomes the world’s greatest greenhouse or some shit.

Life After People Voiceover:

“In the year 2892, 880 years after Bieber turns 18, Justin’s team of advisers have made a stunning discovery.  After nearly more than eight centuries of turning and craning, Justin’s head has severed itself from the rest of his body.  Miraculously, his performance of “Baby” has not suffered from this cranium deficiency.  Members of his PR team will replace Bieber’s head with a genetically engineered watermelon.  The actual head will be connected remotely to the body allowing it to continue it’s overly choreographed dance moves for all of eternity.”

BIEBS 3012:

“Baby, baby, baby, oooh. Baby, baby, baby, let me die.

/

[Wired]

[Teen.com]

[ABC News]

[LA Times]