It could happen to anybody. You wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Your wife is bitching about something while you make breakfast and that damn dog will not stop barking! And why do you have a poodle anyway? You’re a 51-year-old man. You should not have a four pound poodle yipping and yapping all over the house. Finally you go to tell it to calm down and what does it do? Fucking bites you! So what do you do? What any red-blooded American with half a sack does: Punch the dog in the face to death.
See Destro doesn’t stand for that shit. And neither should former NYPD Blue screenwriter Ted Shuttleworth who scored a first round TKO (is a death punch technically a TKO? Somebody Google that) on his dog a couple of weeks ago. The article doesn’t say (and I don’t have Ted’s number handy) so for the purpose of this post, we’ll call the poodle Poor Little Princess Fidobottoms.
Many of you might say, Himbo, how DARE you advocate Falcon Punching a poodle? Especially a poodle as cute as Poor Little Princess Fidobottoms?
Also, according to my original research on the internet, if the defendant after striking the dog with a solid left hook shouts “BOOM! Scrillex” he is immune to prosecution in the lower 48 states. (Ed. note: You will most certainly be found guilty if your defense consists of having shouted BOOM! Scrillex after dropping your pet poodle with a left hook.)
So now of course we have to go to court. Which should be entertaining for all involved. What I wouldn’t give to be on that jury. They could keep the $17 per diem. I’d do it out of the goodness of my own heart. And to hear stuff like this:
District Attorney: According to your wife, this was a quote “horrible accident”. Is that how you would describe this incident, Mr. Shuttleworth?
Ted Shuttleworth: Yes, I would.
DA: Could you please tell the court what led up to you punching your dog to death?
TS: I think that’s a bit of a mischaracterization of how it happ-
DA: Indeed, and you, Mr. Shuttleworth, would know all about misCHARACTERization wouldn’t you? (makes the amirite-face)
Defense: Objection your honor! That doesn’t even make any sense.
DA: As I was saying, if you could please describe for the court the moments leading up to you burying your poodle under a flurry of left hooks and right jabs…
TS: It wasn’t a flurry of left hooks and right jabs, it was one left hook. You think I can’t drop a poodle in one punch? Like I have to establish the jab? Work the body?
DA: A-ha! So you did punch the dog in the face to death! I believe you’ve cooked your own goose, Mr. Shuttleworth!
[Ted's face flushes; looks to his lawyer. Defense lawyer throws his hands up as if to say You're on your own now.]
TD: Ahh, yes, I did, technically, ahhh, punch my dog in the face to death, but, ahh, then I shouted BOOM! Scrillex.
[Defense lawyer shoots self in the face.]
But this won’t happen. He’ll never go to trial even though he should. If you punch a dog in the face to death you owe it to taxpayers to have a jury trial. I want to see tear-filled testimony. I want to see a sleazy defense attorney working an angle. I want to see an overworked cop taking the stand, possibly with rolled up sleeves and possibly with a drinking problem. I want to see a hard charging ADA who needs this case to build her career.
I guess what I’m saying is, I’d like to watch NYPD Blue.