In baseball they have a term for striking out five times in a single baseball game. The “Platinum Sombrero” or “Olympic Rings”, they call it. I don’t know if there’s an equivalent for committing five crimes simultaneously but if there is, Kevin Signalness pulled it off on April 18, 2011 when he [deep breath] (1)crashed into a murder scene investigation in a (2) stolen car while (3) high on meth and weed and (4) masturbating while (5) on probation. First, a slow clap for this man. What? Have you even accomplished five total things today? No? All right, then stop acting all bougie.
Kevin made an amateur mistake here which is to pay far too much attention to his boner and apparently zero attention to the road or bright yellow tape or dozens of police officers or the chalk outline. Personally, I feel like I could pop a shot off while eating In-N-Out and changing the channel on the radio (no texting though) but I’m a pretty good driver. And I don’t smoke drugs.
Kevin was lucky though. Judge Michael McShane took pity on him and didn’t force him to register as a sex offender:
“When you’re on your meds and you’re off drugs, it’s clear to me you’re really a decent person,” McShane said.
That seems like the right thing to do. I mean it’s not like he was jerking off because the murder scene he drove his car through while masturbating and high on meth and weed was where a 14-year-old boy had been shot and killed. He wasn’t jerking off to that. He’s no unrepentant degenerate. He was obviously jerking off to the porn mag he had on the seat next to him…while he drove a stolen car into a murder scene investigation high on meth and weed.
Wrong place, wrong time. Could have happened to anybody. It warmed my heart to see this man rehabilitated.
Then I Googled “masturbation car crash” and my head spun like a sprinkler. Chik-chik-chik-chik, chikchikchikchikchikchikchikchikchikchikchik
I don’t want to overstate the problem but 1.080 million results came back. Granted there are some duplicate results. Follow up stories. Maybe the Rocky Mountain News ran their own car-jacker story (JK! RIP print news!). Taking into account duplicate results (you have no idea how many times I’ve typed that as ‘resluts’ BT-dubs) that means no less than 1.079 million cases of masturbatory car crashes have happened since the beginning of the Internet.
It’s a pandemic people.
“I saw what happened officer. He was going along and then BOOM! A hail of semen. That’s all that’s left of the car.”
And you never know when you’ll run into one of these reckless onanists. In parked cars outside office buildings with sunroof open (though with the decency to cover up with a towel).
Flying down the highway at 120mph. And an Englishman no less!
While driving and smoking crack. Cinci-nasty represent!
While showing off for all the ladies (and ultimately showing off into a pole and dying–there’s a ‘doing what he loved joke’ in there somewhere).
It could be a drunk NBA player* who crashes into your car and then offers to buy you a new one (“but not a Bentley“) before hitching a ride with the local fuzz.
It might be a tractor trailer driver who flips his trailer and continues to masturbate. Even after being taken from the wreckage and arrested.
Or you might want to up the degree of difficulty and risk by loading your trunk with 5 kilos of pot and then tearing ass across Australia at 90+ mph whilst blasting kangaroos out your window and videotaping yourself getting a piece of yourself.
Which seems untoppable unless you drink a bunch and then smoke crack with a prostie while speeding and then engage in some nude mutual masturbation before ramming your car into a parked one.
Lindsey Lohan’s got nothing on these party animals.
And yet we don’t deal with the problem. That judge should be disbarred for letting Kevin off the hook. We have a veritable wheeled boner crisis and he’s operating a revolving door courtroom where they do everything but give the perp a dong-shaped trophy before sending them back out in to society to jerk again.
Does no one think of the children? Imagine little Billy or Deandra out on the lawn skipping rope and some pervert comes hot-shotting through the neighborhood all bug-eyes and ball-sacks before crashing into a parked car. How many more times does this have to happen? A hundred thousand? A million?
It’s supposed to be streets of gold people. Not streets of semen. Let’s come together and shine a shaft of light into these depraved front seats and do what we always do when tragedy strikes: throw some money at that shit and share it on Facebook.
*The player in question, Eddie Griffin, died in another drunk driving accident a little over a year later when he crashed into a moving train.
Wrong Eddie Griffin. Though I will say that it would probably be a benefit to mankind if the “Undercover Brother” would hit a train as well.
He’s at least funny (on occasion). It seems as though all the NBA Eddie Griffin did was average 8 points a game and DUI all over town. I’ll take the comic Eddie Griffin any day.
I’m glad you finished your thought after you said “Does no one think of the children?” I was *this* close to reporting you.
And while I’m at it, how much attention is too much attention to pay to ones boner? Where’s the ceiling? Are there standards? Who sets them? Why has no one told me of these standards?
*one’s*
Let’s see, too much attention to one’s boner, hmmm. I’d say when you drive into a murder scene investigation. Did you not read the post? I said it right there. As Charles Barkley would say (and you should listen to him because he’s come dangerously close to paying too much attention to his boner), this comment is tuurribal.
Meh. I drive through murder scenes all the time–boner in hand–and I think I’m actually not paying enough attention to my boner.
Poor Eddie, at least we finally had some concrete evidence that when you aim (poon intended) to make your vehicle’s interior a mobile living room, there is only one logical endgame.
Indeed. He was either going out roughing the suspect or playing Grand Theft Auto.
Or drunk and crashing into a train which is how BOTH my grandfathers died. Go figure.
So, if the car is moving at 40 mph, and the masturbating hand is wanking at a speed of 40mph as well, then the hand would be pulling the boner at 80mph when the car comes to a complete stop? What force does it take for skin to rip?
PLEASE, that skin doesn’t rip. Everybody and their brother knows that boner skin is invincible. You yank it a bit and then milk comes out. And then you take a nap. Is this not common knowledge?
I’ve never full-on fapped, but I have whipped it out for some sexting, a-la “I would love some road head right now” moments.
I’ve never been that damn horny where I *HAD* to get off right now, regardless of the scenario.
For example, I’m in an airport terminal right now. Would I like an orgasm? Sure. In front of all these people, while getting ready to board my flight? Probably not…
…that’s what the airplane stall is for. It still counts as the mile high club when it’s solo, right??
This is where the crack comes in. Once you smoke drugs then you HAVE to orgasm. Regardless of scenario. Sometimes irregardless of scenario. I think that’s the main selling point of smoking drugs.
It counts as long as you and your hand make awkward small talk and don’t make eye/palm contact the rest of the flight. And for god’s sake, tell your hand to get that pube from under it’s fingernail. Amateur.
How? What? Wait. (deep breath) I have a hard time even imagining him doing all of those things. There’s no way anyone could top that unless they had a kidnap victim in their trunk. I realize that being stuck in traffic sucks, but play with your phone, not yourself!
I think the thing that gets me most is that he plowed into a crime scene. Wrong way down a one way; telephone pole; mailbox; another moving car; whatever. But they tend to make murder scenes pretty noticeable. That being said, I definitely agree that it is much safer to play Angry Birds while driving than to have sexxay time with yourself.
And then there’s this guy
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/ohio-teddy-bear-lover-678234
Apparently it’s not enough to just pull at it in public. I guess the latest in masturbatory trending is to do it to a stuffed bear…4 times.
That article has some gems in it. Being told to stay away from all public libraries in a county is quite the feather in your cap. Also the snarky last line about Toys R Us. Oh, Smoking Gun, never change.
I bet your Google profile is off the hook with your search queries in the name of research….
I’m pretty sure you’re on some lists….
It’s going to be so bad when I go in to renew my driver’s license. I’m going to show up on some DMV list as a guy who researched whacking off in a car. I think that might be creepier than actually jerking off while driving. As far as they know I was on the internets looking for tips on it.