The appropriate response to Gawker’s weekly recaps of Girls, a volleyball movie where they fly jets, is gratitude that somebody else is watching the show and providing you with a trenchant recap free. But cuz internets and since today is the 26th birthday of Mary Kate and Ashley Fuller Olsen let’s discuss the commenters on John Cook’s recaps.
In other words let’s comment on the commenters of a commentary on a show that derives major plot points from critics commenting on it. Prepare yourself. We are going to get META AS FUCK.
The only take on John Cook’s take on Girls that matters is Common who rapped in 2000:
Though some of that shit y’all pop true it, I ain’t relating
If I don’t like it, I don’t like it, that don’t mean that I’m hating
If you are completely confused now, you should take a moment and go over to Gawker and read one of the recaps. You might as well start with the first one but since the show is as nutritious as a Snickers bar you could read any recap and get the gist of Girls. After all does it matter if you start in the middle of a Snickers bar? (Hint: Yes, it does. Candy bars suck. Candy period sucks.)
Any-hoot, the point of this post isn’t whether John Cook’s recaps are correct or not. I find them to be awesome but many commenters do not. And they feel compelled to point this out. With the same comments EVERY FUCKING WEEK. Which wouldn’t be a problem if they made points that weren’t utterly worthless and intentionally obtuse.
[If you have not thus far gone over and read one of the reviews, the rest of this post is going to suck because it requires the context of his reviews. Just go over there and do it.]
Mr. Cook always refers to the main characters as so and so’s daughter. He’s written nine recaps. He’s done this in every fucking one. And yet here we are reading this:
Yeah, and what’s the deal with Seinfeld anyway? Does he have to nit-pick every little thing? Gah! I make it a point to confirm that someone makes this comment each week. So far: nine for nine. You can go ahead and book it that someone will make this comment next week too. And that’s no Harold Camping guarantee. This will happen IRL. So quit your job and buy a van and go forth across the United States, confident that next Monday at least one person will type out “I’M SO OVER YOU REFEREEING TO THEM BY THEY’RE PARENTS NAME. WORST RECAP EVER!!!! IF I COULD GIVE THIS ZERO STAIRS I WOOD!!!!!!”
I’m so confident that I will give the first commenter on next Tuesday’s post $20 if by noon on Tuesday, June 19th, 2012 there hasn’t been a comment complaining about John Cook referring to all the characters as progeny of more or less famous people. I’ll even go a step further and guarantee that they’ll be one with either misspellings and/or too many sentence ending pictures (punctuation?)
Speaking of bringing nothing to the table there’s the old “why you gotta be hatin bro?” type comment:
Yeah, bro, like, when your boss comes up and says “Hey did you finish that recap that I’m paying you to do?” you should be like “Bro, I’m just gonna chill. I can’t be all mad about a show that you are paying me to watch and then recap, bro.” and then your boss will be like “Whoa, bro. I’m not trying to be a dick, bro, but like this is your job, bro.” I actually used to do this at my old job managing a restaurant.
My Boss: Hey, can you go help the hostess seat people?
Me: Dude, I got shit going on in my own life right now.
My Boss: Okay. You’re fired.
Me: You need to chill, bro.
Now I don’t have a job. So I wake up and chill until I go to bed.
And then there’s the Didn’t You Know That You Aren’t Allowed To Recap Shows You Don’t Like commenter:
Yes, Mr. Cook. You apparently haven’t read the rules of recapping which clearly state that you must like the show you recap. No Exceptions.
nferno and I could not hang out. Essentially my entire personality is based on what I don’t like. There are things that I hate so much that it actually goes all the way around to love. One gigantic for instance: Call Me Maybe. I once gave a five-star review to a Motel 6 in Aberdeen, South Dakota because the hallways were 125 degrees (the room air conditioners blew the hot air exhaust out into the hallway). I made fun of that three straight days. My stay was made better because the hotel was horrible.
This may explain my fascination with terrible comments on the internet. Terrible comments like the fourth corner of the dipshit square that is this comment:
Yeah, I totes wish the writer of this article was not the writer of this article and instead was a completely different person who used to write articles similar to this but not this because this blows. Oh and I’ll be repeating myself. Cuz gotta say something.
It all reminds me of Winston Churchill’s quote about the internet:
Never in human history have so many complained so much about free shit.
I was thinking that I should end this post with a perceptive and witty paragraph about how we should all take a moment to gather our thoughts into a coherent and/or funny comment rather than taking a mind-shit the moment we see that COMMENT rectangle but then what the fuck would this post have been about? Would it have even existed? Do I even have other shit in my life to worry about?