Tips For Seeming Like You’ve Read Books You Haven’t

Mitt Romney Just Like Us; Talks About Books He Hasn't Read

Mitt Romney, the sort of guy who announces something is funny instead of laughing, has been dogged by the perception that he is out of touch.  Probably because he says stuff like “I get speaker’s fees from time to time, but not very much.” (The speaker fees he’s referring to were $374,000.)

But Moroni-damnit if Willard isn’t dead set on convincing us that he’s just a regular guy.  And he may have succeeded this week.

That’s right.  Mitt did what you and I do:  Heard about a book.  Saw it on the front stand at Barnes & Noble and read the back cover then threw out some random factoid that made it seem like he read the book.

From Romney’s speech via Talking Points Memo:

I read a number of books on the topic. One, that is widely acclaimed, is by someone named Jared Diamond called ‘Guns, Germs and Steel,’ which basically says the physical characteristics of the land account for the differences in the success of the people that live there. There is iron ore on the land and so forth.

Sidebar:  Jared Diamond?  And he writes about iron ore apparently?  Suspect.

This is a great plan.  Unless the author hears about it.  It’s especially embarrassing if the author then goes on the New York Times and writes an editorial about how you probably didn’t read the book.  Talk about pissing on your pancakes.

From The Times Editorial:

That is so different from what my book actually says that I have to doubt whether Mr. Romney read it.

Motherfucking snap!  Jared goes on to say that, like most scientists, he tries not to over-simplify enormously complex things like how societies develop over thousands of years.  That’s gotta sting.

But I feel for Mittens a little.

And who hasn’t pretended to have read a book?  You don’t want to be the uncouth slob who hasn’t read Twilight.  Talk about ruining the dinner party.

Here’s a list of books you should pretend to have read along with something to say that will bolster your fakery:

Twilight

Handy Phrases:

• Team Jacob! (To be used in a room full of Edward fans. They will shun you.  But they won’t question whether you read the book.)
• Team Edward! (See above.)
• Honestly, the writing was so poor that I barely made it through the first one.  We get it.  Edward is hot. Move on. (This works in nearly all situations. Plus you bolster your lying by throwing in an example you plagiarized from an Entertainment Weekly review.)

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Handy Phrases:

• It’s so well plotted! (That sounds just booky enough.)
• I don’t really think Lisbeth is hot.  (Important that you don’t call her “Dragon Tattoo Girl” as this is a dead giveaway.)
• Honestly, the writing was so poor I barely made it through the first one.  We get it.  Mikael likes sandwiches and coffee. Move on.

50 Shades Of Grey

Handy Phrases:

• This book got me so turned on I gave up the 2-hole!  (This can be used by both men and women and will either lead into an immensely entertaining conversation about buttsecks or take the focus off you.  Win-Win.)
• 50 Shades of Grey?  More like 50 Shades of Gay! (Note: Only to be used in frat houses and at Chick-fil-A.)
• Honestly, the writing was so poor I barely made it through the first one.  We get it.  Christian is an insufferable ass-hat stalker.  Move on.

That ought to get you through any party you attend in the next few months as long as you don’t party with E.L. James or Stephanie Meyers or Stieg Larsson’s corpse.

What books have you pretended to read and what were your go-to lines to support this charade?

/