On Wednesday, there was a professional hockey match between the Capitals hailing from Washington, D.C. and the Bruins from Boston. I know what you’re thinking, who the fuck cares? Apparently people do care. And some of them are a little (or SUPER DUPER) racist.
A multitude of media outlets jumped on this because if there is something we all like seeing, it’s people stupid enough to go full racist on Twitter. Or on the internet for that matter. Is there anyone who doesn’t realize that everything on the internet is on there forEVAR ? There is a computer scientist somewhere that can figure out your blood type from your Facebook. Trust me. You don’t want to know how, but they can. It’s ugly.
Let me say that, if you are clutching your pearls right now and thinking, “Holy fuck-balls, there are racists who are into hockey?!?!” I have a few shares of Groupon I’m looking to move.
Yes, there are a few racists that are into hockey. And they were not stoked on Joel Ward’s game winning overtime goal on Wednesday. Because Joel Ward is, like, totes black, and obvi they already have other sports and shit and like, yeah, they like, shouldn’t be playing hockey and shit. {heavy mouth breathing followed by heavy Mountain Dew and stuffed crust pizza consumption}.
You can see the a large listing over at Chirpstory. My personal fave:
Ah, whoa. One, what the fuck? Two, I believe you have your racist slurs incorrect. Three, this reminds me of the Swingers hockey scene where Vince Vaughn eats Sue’s lunch. I would like to see Vince shit-talking Mastabates23 (doode, hi-five on the twitter handle, bro)
Mastabates23: This is bullshit!
Vince: You want to see your racist tweet re-posted a bazillion times? He says it’s bullshit. The guy likes to be racist and then he says it’s bullshit. All right let’s cut and paste this everywhere. Yahoo! CNN, Deadspin.
Mastabates23: Doode, don’t be a dick stop re-posting my racist tweet. It’s bullshit.
Vince: You should practice being a racist when I’m not here. Will you practice racism when I’m not here?
The bad thing about these stories is that they don’t follow up with the racists. They publicly shame them (which I find awesome) but they don’t follow up. You can’t just throw out the N-word and then go “Oh, I’m not racist, I was just really fired up about the Bruins.”
Oh.
We understand Mike. You love hockey. Your team loses. You blurt out:
And by blurt out, I mean pick up your phone or login to your computer, type out 22 words (making sure to hashtag Bruins so that any of the hundreds of millions of people on Twitter who search Bruins at that moment would easily be able to find it), scan over it for spelling errors (but leave them anyway cuz Twitter), and then send.
That’s been one of my favorite excuses and it’s been used many times. “Doode, I was just fired up about the loss! I couldn’t help myself!” As though it was some digital knee-jerk reaction. And is that even a defense anyway? I’ve had my heart ripped out by sports teams before. It wasn’t even on the menu to blast forth with N-bomb. And speaking of reactions, let’s see if these public racists can’t use every tired excuse in the book. And go!
I’m Not Racist, It Was The Heat Of The Moment:
Check (see above).
I’m Not Racist, I Have Black Friends:
This guy went and changed his picture so that he was standing with a black person and added the explanation to his Twitter motto. I sent him a couple of tweets which he responded to (“Ya it was racist”) and then privatized his Twitter account.
I’m Not Racist, I’m Puerto Rican:
This guy pulled off the combo. He’s a minority so he gets to post tweets like : “Fuck Ward #NIGGER”. I see. It’s hard to keep up on all the racism rules. Also thank you for hash-tagging that. I like my N-bomb searches on Twitter to be efficient. Helps me stay in touch with my Klan buddies.
I’m Not Racist, I Deleted My Twitter Account:
Some people — perhaps upon realizing that it’s a horrible idea to tweet ultra racist stuff in a public forum that is searchable and tied to your (possibly) real name — deleted their account. I guess Mahdawg_Jake figured he was probably going to apply for a job at some point and it’d be an uphill battle trying to explain why you tweeted “We lost…. To a hockey playing nigger…. What kind of shit is this” to a potential employer.
I’m Not Racist, You Misunderstood Me:
OOOOOhhhhh, there was a layer of subtlety that we missed when you tweeted: “I’m still confused how a nigger just scored on (sic)tim Thomas.” Shame on you Twitter for missing the point! Usually Twitter is my first stop for nuance.
I’m Not Racist, I’m A Dinosaur:
Jessi Lauren was not happy the Bruins lost (Her tweet: “FUCKJNG NIGGER! #bruins”). Jessi Lauren also has a dinosaur fetish. Her Twitter handle is @rawrimdinojessi. Her Tumblr is www.imadinosaurbeeotch.tumblr.com. Her background is dinosaurs. I guess she likes dinosaurs. And since dinosaurs aren’t racist…
I’m Not Racist, The N-Word Doesn’t Mean What Every Single Person Thinks It Means:
This is another Jessi Lauren special. From her Tumblr: “People use the word all the time not even referring to a black person. It actually just means ignorant.” Oh, it means ignorant? We had her all wrong!
I’m Not Racist, Black People Call Each Other It All The Time:
Sorry Jessi. You make it so easy. In her defense she seems to be about 14 years old. At least I hope she’s 14 because she’d make for an exceptionally stupid 18-year-old.
I’m not sure how many times we have to go over this but here’s the deal: Black people get to throw around the N-word. With very, very few exceptions, white people do not. I’m sorry. That’s just how it goes. And those exceptions would be jokes that are so funny/clever that they trump the racism. And even then, tread lightly. Lindy West has an excellent guide for this touchy subject over at Jezebel if you absolutely have to bust out the N-word which apparently, a lot of people do.
I’m Not Racist, I Just Blog About Racists:
Wait is that a shot at me?
Have a bigot-less (and hockey-less for that matter) weekend.
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OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 2
Yoko is following: 775,399 (+5700)
@SomethingAuthor is following: 1957 (+218)
Weekly Recap: Another tough week. Particularly because I am now up against Twitter’s 2000 follower limit. I actually had to come down a little bit so that I could follow people that might actually follow me back. Which isn’t to say there are people I wouldn’t follow. I just don’t have the power at this point. I have 245 followers as of right now. I need to get that up. It’s also a little insulting that Yoko hasn’t followed me back. She follows 775,000 and I’m not making the cut?
Follower Of The Week: @summerofbenny
Basically, Summerofbenny won because I chuckled at his Twitter bio: “Beer drinker. Occasional bedwetter. Earned associates degree in just six years. Success Coach” Get out there and follow him folks. He writes funny posts.
-Please note, Follower of the week is chosen by combing through my emails alerting me of new followers and then mercurially picking one. I don’t know these people and they almost certainly don’t condone or endorse anything on this blog. If you win follower of the week and don’t want to be, send me an email and I’ll take it down. To get all the deets on Operation Yoko No No go to the top of the main page or click here.
You have 245.5 followers. Remember, I’d follow you if I gave two shits about Twitter. You’d be the first (or easily in the top 50(or so)) people I’d follow…again, if I Twittered.
Jessi Lauren’s rawrimdinojessi tag is better (funnier? Grosser?) if you read it the way she undoubtedly meant it to be read: raw rim dino jessi. Obviously she’s into rimjobs from reptiles. Just yuck.
And JR Harding is correct. People are taking his use of the n-word incorrectly. He meant it as a compliment. Isn’t it obvious? Just like when I call you a mick, I mean it as a compliment. I’m saying “hi friend.” Or, when my girlfriend calls me a kike, she means it as a term of endearment. We actually incorporate it into our love making (visualize that).
Maybe the hockey season is just too long. If you get to “I’m so amped up about this game that even if we win I’ll probably turn over a hyundai” by the end of the regular season, then you’ve really got nowhere to go for the playoffs other than racist or declaring all out jihad.