Christen ye kids well for thoust do not know when they shall be tried for felony possession of a firearm.
I bring you the story of Spartacus Outlaw. Man of Milwaukee. Immortal among heavyset Midwesterners. A hero ultimately ruined by the sheer weighty mass of his Christian name. And now a two-time convicted felon who’s looking at 10 to 15.
Thomas Kinkade’s “The Birth Of Spartacus Outlaw”.
I want to meet Kimmy so that I can have no idea who she is.
I often have hypothetical conversations with famous people I’ll never meet. Long, weird involved convos where I explain that just because you believe yourself to be awesome and incredible and you’ve managed to surround yourself with only people that confirm your righteous-itude (with dusting of badass-osity) does not make you any of those things. It makes you are manic little man who doesn’t know he’s gay. Sorry Tom.
But I’ll make an exception for Kim Kardashian. I don’t want to go into great detail about her faults. I want to have an increasingly awkward conversation with her where I have no clue who the fuck she is.
Something Authorly will be taking a short break this week from Tuesday Sept. 4th through Friday Sept. 7th. This is for two reasons: 1.) I need to re-charge the mental batteries as the last four months of four posts per week has drained the creative juices a bit and 2.) I actually got a real-life jobby-job this week with a desk and people telling me what to do. People telling me what does not include the words “Hey, isn’t this a post day? You better get on it. Forget the TPS reports, we need more butt-hole jokes.” Unless this place is way more laid-back than I’ve been led to believe.
For those of you who complain about not being able to keep up, you’ll get a reprieve from me gumming up your FB news feed with my incessant babbling. And for Will, the world’s greatest intern, this is unfortunately going to put a negative dent into SA’s 3rd quarter earnings to the tune of three cents. But with SA’s new income stream I’ll be more than happy to siphon some off those funds to offset our loss in advertising revenue.
See you next Tuesday. (And I don’t mean that in the wimpy way that people who want to say cunt but can’t bring themselves to do it mean it)
/
Chat log excerpts from my fantasy football draft with my degenerate friends. And Mitt Romney.
[Draft Will Commence In 5 minutes]
Himbokal (Commissioner): Is everybody logged on? Hello?
Jizz Dick Cock-Hole: Here
Jizz Light-Year: Yo
Jizzdsay Jizzhan: Here
[Jizz Dripping From Your Anus logged in]
Himbokal: Wait, how many of you have the word “jizz” is your team name?
Jizzasterpiece Theatre: When you name the league “Boner Fuel”
Jizz Dripping From Your Anus: I’ve never not used jizz in my FF name
Himbokal: I’m pausing this for a minute. At least 3 of you have to change your name. Jizz Dick Cock-Hole who r u? U should change yours. Doesn’t even make sense.
[Jizz Dick Cock-Hole has logged out]
[0% Of The Black Vote has logged in]
0% Of The Black Vote: Better?
Himbokal: It’s the most truthful name in this whole league.
Something Authorly tries to recreate Joshua Shelton's evening based mostly on how it ended.
You don’t even need to be told that the man in this headline, one Joshua Shelton, was tilted. However, I must say that I was somewhat disappointed in with the actual cause of the mass chicken-acide. For whatever reason I had it in my head that he had stolen some large farm vehicle and driven it through an industrial chicken coop.
Perhaps a combine or a tractor. I pictured tones of feathers and giblets everywhere. But nope, Joshie, 21, flipped off the circuit breaker which controlled food, water and cooling fans for large chicken coops.
He was found later passed out in a puddle of urine sans pants. He said the last thing he remembered was walking onto the chicken farming property after attending a nearby concert.
As someone who has hoisted a few beers in my day, I have the requisite experience to speculate on how the evening progressed. Here’s what I think probably happened:
Or at least he did last December when I bookmarked this article and then forgot about it.
I bookmark a lot of stuff surfing teh internetz. A lot of stuff. As in I have 24 folders currently. Most of them have between 10 and 15 pages bookmarked. Then I have 20 to 30 pages that haven’t been put in folders yet. Some because I’ll post them on the SA Facebook page at some undetermined future time. Some because I read two paragraphs and then became distracted by some other page with shiny things or bewbs on it.
Thus I have a lot of articles hiding in folders that I completely forgot about. Roughly once a month I go through them and try to weed out articles that I know I’m never going to write about. Yesterday was that day. And that’s when I stumbled into this headline:
It’s from a website called AceShowbiz.com (rehashing a story from Hollyscoop.com–a website I applied to work for and was rejected BTDubs) and dates to Dec. 13th, 2011. Just after LiLo’s nekid Playboy photo spread leaked online. My first thought was “Why the hell did I keep this?” I figured I’d give it a quick read before shit-canning it.
God am I glad I did. I don’t know if Fiddy was drunk or high or if he’s just cavalier as hell in interviews but for a six paragraph puff piece this thing is off the chain.
Matt Fors wants to fight all women according to a stupid Youtube video featuring Matt Fors.
There were over 1.3 billion videos on Youtube as of March 2012. No doubt that count is well over 1.5 billion today. Over 60 hours of video is uploaded each minute of every day. So while you watched 47 for Ted lead singer and pro-dude dude Matt Fors issue his challenge, 2700 minutes of footage was uploaded.
All of it was less stupid than this video. And yet here we are.
