Public Restroom Comebacks

Always have a handy comeback for when you interrupt somebody in the bathroom.

I’ve been in scum-hole bars for sure but a few months ago I finally walked in on two people banging in the bathroom.  (Just to get it out of the way: No, not attractive.  Think Swamp People.)  The thing was is they were in a single person at a time restroom and they did not lock the door so somewhere in the back of their mind they wanted somebody to walk in on them.

It looked like this but with 50% more elephants.

Ever since then I’ve been walking in on people who neglect to lock the door to the bathroom.  I did it twice on the train to San Diego this weekend.

I don’t know if it’s the vibration of the train that unlatches the door or if Amtrak is frequented by accidental bathroom walk-in fetishists but I’ve walked in on no less than 5 people in the last 4 months.  And all of them gave me attitude.

“Can I have a moment please?”

“Excuse me it’s occupied.”

Like I fucking picked the lock.  You’re the sick twist springing your defecation fetish on me.

And I was already shell-shocked at this point because I sat next to the gassiest 5-year-old girl I’ve ever encountered.  Actually if she’d have farted only once she would have qualified as gassiest little girl in history.  She was lighting me up with her butt.  There is no question that this was bad parenting.  You can’t have that kind of skunk-ass without a sub-par parent who’s constantly feeding you tin cans and grapes.

So I’m nauseous (and slightly impressed) when I go to the bathroom and walk in on a 70+ woman who snaps “Excuse me” while grabbing toilet paper.  And it was just like that; all shitty and shit.  Like I’m fucking up her universe.

The first thing that I want to say when senior citizens cop and attitude with me is: “Are you looking to get your ass beat?  Cuz I will mop the floor with you, Gertrude.”

I will posit right now that there is not a person over seventy whom I couldn’t deliver a serious tune-up to if they were foolish enough to get fresh with me.  In fact I’m often surprised there aren’t more geriatrics getting the shit slapped out them for being mouthy.

Your lawn’s going to be the least of your worries, Pops.

But I digress.

The irritating thing is the implication that you are in the wrong.

So here are some comebacks to use the next time a motherfucker steps to you after not locking the bathroom door:

You Stank!

• This needs to be shouted for maximum effect.  You want the nearest seats to hear it so the person feels shamed for dumping on a train.

You wanna hang out later?

• This immediately puts the focus back on them (where it should be as they are the weird fuck that tricked you into watching them take a shit).  Also ask for their seat number.

Good one, buddy!

• If you are going to walk in on somebody, you might as well be supportive.

[After closing the door behind you] I thought I would never find you!  Do you think it’s destiny that we met here?  I do,

• Everybody likes destiny and kismet and stuff.

Hey everybody!  Come here and look at this pervert!  Seriously, get a load!  This degenerate gets their rocks off from strangers watching them dump.  Let’s shun them.

• It’s odd that I walked in on you shitting? Well it’s weird that you have that fetish.  And it’s even weirder when I shout it to the whole train.  How you like that old person?

You have a terrific butthole.

• If you have to be uncomfortable, then everybody has to be uncomfortable.

What recommendations do you have for topics of conversation when you walk in on somebody in a public restroom?  (And I’m talking about public restrooms where it’s obviously a one person deal.  Although I recommend using these even when there are multiple private stalls.)

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