First let me get this out-of-the-way:
Big Bay Boom Fireworks “Oh my God, San Diego…you’re so beautiful…I can’t hold it…I’m going to pre-jack…ahhhhh!
San Diego “Uh, well at least one of us had fun. Well, I have to be up early.”
Big Bay Boom Fireworks “Can I call you?”
San Diego “Let’s just cut our losses. Have you seen my earrings?”
So yes, I saw the great San Diego Fireworks 2012 FAIL SO FUCKING HARD LULZ, BRUH. And boy were news outlets were at the ready with premature ejaculation jokes. (I think news outlets have been saving their cum jokes since Bill Clinton ruined Monica’s dress or something.)
From venerable ABC News:
One of the nation’s biggest July 4th firework displays turned into a 15-second bust after a “premature ignition” caused pyrotechnics spread across five barges in the San Diego Bay to go off all at once.
From the Christian Science Monitor:
The Coast Guard says five minutes before the scheduled 18-minute Big Bay Boom show, there was “premature ignition.”
Eww, CS Monitor is making references to blowing your load too quick? You guys are supposed to be Christians and shit. This is the Mom of the newspapers making dirty jokes. Great now everybody’s uncomfortable.
DigBoston.com got all into the kinky shit with a whole sex themed write up that’s pretty funny:
They blew their entire load in 15 seconds, a gigantic disappointment for the hundreds of thousands of spectators who had waited for hours for some fiery satisfaction.
Garden State Fireworks added to news sources’ collective snickers by describing this year’s event as “bigger and more intense than in past years.” It was intense and I guess in a way bigger but it left most everybody wanting. And as we all know from countless idiot bros who are repeating lines that were only half clever in 1973, “It’s not about the size but how you use it.” Fer sure, brah. Now stop poking me in the ribs. I get it. We all got 40 years ago when everybody’s pervy Uncle Dan said it on that ice-fishing trip where you spent half the night vomiting root beer schnapps.
I prefer to look at this as an efficient use of our time. Firework displays have grown increasingly time-consuming as pyrotechnicians have held us captive to their explosionary noodling. We don’t need “Proud To Be An American” playing in the background. We don’t even need a buildup. We want loud. We want bright. We want to get out before the traffic gets bad. In this case Garden State probably did the crowds a favor. It took varying amounts of time for spectators to figure out that the Big Bay Boom had done boomed, rolled over and gone to sleep. No round two for you San Diego (amirite?).
The party I was with stood around for almost 30 minutes going “Is it over? I think it’s over. Do you think it’s over? What did Twitter say? It might be over.” Eventually we shuffled back to the car. Just another group the Garden State Fireworks was unable to satisfy with its bigger intense-r pyrotechnic dong. On the plus side we made great time on the way home. Efficiency squared!