Porn Sites Resorting To Novel Length Spam To Get You to Pay

Adriana gave it her mispelled, repetitive and almost sort of convincing all to hook a paying porn customer.

I periodically scan through my spam email looking for Nigerian scams to troll.  Occasionally…very occasionally a sex spam email catches my attention.  It will allegedly be from somebody who has the name of a friend of mine.  I look at it and go, “Oh Deandra. Why you are emailing me out of the blue?”

I open up the email and read:

watch daddy destroy his daughter’s dirrty little fuck-hole live.

And then I go “Well Deandra, you need to spell check your marketing material if you want consumers to take your incest porn seriously.

And that’s usually about how long the emails are.  Until I came across this email from Adriana with the subject: “were you in town last night hah”

Intrigued by the inexplicable addition of “hah” to the subject line I opened the spam.

It was 954 words long.  (I know because I cut and pasted it into Word and started proof-reading it)

Click to embiggen

Since it’s so long I figure I owe Adriana some sort of response after all the blood, sweat and tearz she put into it ha-ha!

haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR
U.. lol...

I already said ha.  She goes on to use some variation of “laughing” 10 times.  But enough about that: Dude she’s moving right EFFING NEAR U, er me.  Er lol!  And bro she broke up with her boyfriend!  This is like a guaranteed drunken finger-blast at minimum.  I just need to get the digits and it’s on.

ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3
cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..

Definitely don’t want to get speed fingered by your cousins lol.

im hoping this email addy is still
the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even
help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook?

Slow down lady.  I’ve read The Game.  Helping you move?  And we’ve never banged?  Total beta-male move.  It’s not possible to neg your way out of that demonstration of lower value.

i cudnt find ui was
soo confused...

………..?

ok so more info about me.. well im
23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel..

And a little bit about me…33.  I’m a Sagittarius.  Love fun stuff.  Hate boredom and mean people.  Like it when girls seduct me.  Don’t like it when they don’t seduct.  I’m not really like anyone else but I love drinks, restaurants, movies, ellipses, etc…travel…    …   …  What else do you like Adriana?

uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but
every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all
that

Kismet!  You almost even spelled pr0n right!

OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..
do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring?

Are you mocking me?  Do you know how hard it was to find a fucking job you bitch?

I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean that.  Go on.

id LOVE to work in a bar
or osmehting like that

You don’t want to work in yanhting like that.

i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out
on me..

I don’t care what you do.  I know all I need to know.  Your job is so heinous that you are looking to get into a cock-tailing job.  I’m picturing a saltpeter mine or a molasses factory.  Also I’m not helping you move without a notarized written agreement that I will get at least an over-the-pants hand job PRIOR to moving any furniture.

And you can’t spell ui but you pulled off weirded?  I had to Google that just to make sure you actually spelled it correctly.

i work on a webcam chat community site

That sounds cool.  What are you doing like live tech support or moderating chat rooms or osemhting?

and i get paid to chat
with people...

Well, obvs.

and get naked HHAHA...

Oh.

Probably should have seen that coming.

BOMB right :)? I KNOW..

Ehhh, yup. Totes bomb.com.  Exactly what I was thinking.

like i
figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol

I know in the twisted logic of this email that last line is supposed to be reassuring but it comes across as a bit of a neg, Adriana.

i actually need help
once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP

Are you typing to your computer?

ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..
ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else...

And literally the rub.

the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat)

Hold on.  Back up the bus.  I can’t snap one off to you naked?  Now we have to chat?  This Tolsotyan saga of an email isn’t enough?  And if you mention your broken computer one more time…

i figured u cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me
login half the time

Of course it doesn’t.  I sometimes go days without email.  That Gmail login is a fucking Rubik’s cube.

Look, is there anyway we could speed this up?

im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now..

Apparently Adriana misses the irony of telling me she spends most of the day online.  Live streaming video with voice chat?  Piece of cake.  Email?  Only slightly less difficult than fusion power.

Please Adriana, let’s just end this charade.  Please I bge fo ui.

rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha

Nice one-liner whore.

Now I’d like to say that I didn’t click on the link at the end of this email.  Just like I’d like to say that I didn’t read all 954 words of this horribly spelled email. (I edited out roughly 60% of it for you.  You can read the entire thing here)  I’d like to say that “Adriana” wasn’t hot.  I’d like to say I’ve actually read an entire novel by Tolstoy.

Alas these are all lies.

I can tell you one thing, though:

I totally went to some other site and saw free boobies.  In ya face Adriana!

Have a mispeled wekende.

/

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OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 20

Yoko is following: 892,508 (+4401)

@SomethingAuthor is following: 1602 (+1)

Recap:  Figures that Yoko slows down the during the week I took off.  She only averaged following about 2200 people each of the last two weeks.  Of course I averaged half a person a week.  And who was that one person you ask?  It was none other than…

Something Authorly’s Follower Of The Week: @DrVeronicaEyeMD

Dr. Veronica is the healthiest person who has ever followed my Twitter account.  She’s written books and run marathons and shit.  She’s even been photographed with a man stupid enough to be Donald Trump’s right hand man.  She’s also probably never read this blog in her life and it probably barely registers that she’s even following me back.  I can’t wait til one day, between glaucoma treatments she has a couple of spare minutes to kill and pops over to SA and gets and eyeful of jizz/butthole jokes.  What’s the over/under on the amount of time it takes to defollow me?  I’m setting the line at 1 second.  That being said, go follow her and let her know that by following me she is actively supporting sepsis jokes.