[In case you were dead or at work or something the Supreme Court health care ruling ended America yesterday. We had a good run.]
Q: Is there anything more fun than apocalyptic comments on the internet?
A: This kind of questun is exaclee wut’s wrong with America an Y u suck ur Mom’s labrian, phaggot!
Exactly. There is nothing more fun that apocalyptic reactions to big news events. Bring on the HealthCalopocalypse!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy buddy. We aren’t to the racist part of our program yet. Also that’s 56 more comments than I’ve ever gotten for any post ever on Spacebook. Surely one of them will have some Obamalocalyptic reference in it. Let’s explore:
Yeah, it’s not just the black pride (Ed. note: It totes is) it’s the dicftatorship. Remember when Germany had that dicftatorship? And they imposed health care on all the Jews? Look where that got them: The luminati. Just look in the bible and you will see that the government is the anti christ. Sorry people in the government that opposed health care. Doesn’t matter. You are luminati and the anti christ. Eat a health insured dick.
I swear this stuff never gets old. I could read hysterical internet comments all day and I have. I get such a boner off this stuff. If you were hoping that this was going to shed some light on the health care act or the Supreme Court decision yesterday you came to the wrong place. Go here for the main points of the PPACA or here for full court opinion or here for analysis by respected SCOTUS reporter, Lyle Denniston or here for a good mildly left leaning general explanation.
However, if you came her to see what the future of the United States WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE BECAUSE THERE’S NO WAY THAT IT WON’T AFTER THE SUPREME COURT SUPRISE BUTTSECKSED LADY LIBERTY AT 10AM THURSDAY then you came to the right place. We’ve got it all. The doomsayers, the hysterics, the racists, the conspiracy theorists, the impotent ragers, and the people who must not realize the internet is public.
Please remember these people would comprise a jury of your peers.
That line is so long it actually snakes into Los Angeles. It ends over by the La Brea Tar Pits. I biked by it the other day. I asked the last guy in line what he was waiting for and he was like, “I’m just getting my prescription refilled.” And then some other guy walked up and was like, “Aw, dude, is this the line?” And I laughed my ass off cuz stupid Canadian.
Yeah, that Lady Liberty was one sweet dame. I remember when I used to smack her on that tight little ass of hers and tell her to grab me another industry to deregulate. But no more, patriots, no more. And now as the sun sets on this once great nation, Obama and his Nazi administration have finally dismantled the country. I shall head to my bunker with my trusty Walther PPK 7.65. These fascist bastards will never take ScruffyCat alive!
You forgot the Queen, the Vatican, the Getty’s, the Rothschild’s, and the Colonel before he went tets up.
But enough with the fortune tellers. Let’s get weirder:
Is that how you spell sheisse? I always thought there was a Z in there. Anyway at least the NYT has head start on the obituary: John Roberts, Jr., Supreme Court Justice, Traitorous, Stinking Scheisse; Dies
SCOTASS?! You mean SCOTUS? Oh, I get it. He-heh, socialists. Also, don’t I pay “taxes” to give money to other states ALL THE FUCKING TIME FOR ALL KINDS OF SHIT?
Gub’mint Doktor: And what seems to be the problem with little Billy here?
Billy’s Father: He has half a foot, sir.
Gub’mint Doktor: Whelp, into the scrap heap he goes.
Billy’s Father: But wait! You can’t do that! He just needs a small prosthetic to help him walk. You’re a monster!
Gub’mint Doktor: And how old are you, Billy’s father?
Billy’s Father: I’m 55.
Gub’mint Doktor: Whelp, into the death heap you go.
Of course we all know that something’s afoot. Nobody crosses political lines unless the fix is in:
The Conspiracy Theorists
Are we still doing the birth certificate stuff? Still? But I thought he gave the long–Oh. That was photo-shopped? Huh. All right then, down with the President Darkest Africa or whatever we’re calling him.
Wait are you saying Newt Gingrich was in on this too? Why do they need their own Supreme Court on the moon?
So there were two conspiracies? I gotta hand it to the gays. They have pulled off some serious shit between Roberts and the Boy Scouts of America. Bravo!
And then we get to some of my personal favorite commenters. The ones that are so full of digital craze-rage that they’re gonna take it out on EVERYONE:
Yeah! I’ll show everybody! You won’t have SocialistSlayer to kick around anymore you pinkos! This is what I did after I bought my last car. The salesman said “Hey you need insurance to drive it.” And I was like, “Oh yeah Marxist!?” And then I drove it high-speed into a retaining wall. Showed all those motherfuckers.
I can’t argue with that Ctesibius. This dude is willing to kill or be killed rather than be fined $695 three and half years from now. That’s assuming that he doesn’t have health insurance already and he doesn’t fall into one of the myriad loopholes for not being fined. But a man’s got his breaking point. And that breaking point is roughly the price of a laptop, apparently. Vaya con dios, patriot!
And now it’s time for everyone’s favorite part of the crazy comment round-up: The Racists!
Pro-tip for Ryan, presidents pay taxes. Interesting side note: The president is presented a bill each month for his and his families personal food, toiletries, dry cleaning, etc. So not only should we have stuffed Ryan into the Voyager 2 space probe as an example for aliens of the worst that humanity has to offer; he’s also totally fucking wrong.
Obviously you do not Mr. Neil Kemp of Kirby, Arkansas who is a racer on the Mid-South Racing Scene. I mean c’mon people. You want to blast off into Racismland, don’t make it so easy for it to come back and bite you. Though, if he wasn’t so dumb he probably wouldn’t say stuff like this so there’s a fun thought experiment.
This…I don’t even…I can’t. I know, it seems too perfect but I did not make a fake profile as Tommy Sims. I laughed so hard at this. Also he got 14 fucking likes!
This one was in response to @patrickgaspard (who was gloating). Apparently her racist little mind got so overworked with craze-rage that she just threw out all the racial stereotypes regardless of whether it made any sense or not. Here’s what I imagine her thought process was:
AHHHH FURIOUS SHRIEKING CRAZE-RAGE! MUST EXPRESS RACIAL HATRED IN PUBLIC INTERNET FORUM USING REAL NAME!
- Skin color reference–check
- Nose reference–check
- Lip reference–check
Also this woman is followed by two sitting U.S. Representatives: Vern Buchanan and Chip Cravaack (both of whom I tweeted to find out why they were following such a vile person–no response yet). Oh and she also prayed that John Roberts would die. Just in case we didn’t realize she was unhappy.
But neither of these hold a candle to our last two examples. These are the creme of the fuck-wit crop. First, the racist who doesn’t really understand Facebook privacy controls:
Your fucking place of work is RIGHT THERE! Change your settings you cowboy-hatted lump of medical waste. This is so stupid that I sent them an email claiming I was shopping around for roofing supplies but I ran into this idiocy instead. They emailed back saying he didn’t work there but they were a good Christian company and they can’t tell anyone what to do on their personal FB page and also what type of roofing would I be interested in?
And the man who won the internet today for this dandy of a post to Facebook:
Woefully misinformed about the substance of the law (you can buy insurance from whoever you want you just have to buy it or pay not to) and who the attorney general is (Eric Holder); Michael also hopes somebody assassinates the president. All with a side of N-word. Delightful.
There you have it folks. The anonymous comments are kooky but ironically the worst comments I found were tied to real names. People either too dumb to hide their identities or too oblivious to realize how awful they are. Either way you owe me an entire Thursday you fucks.
Now enough with dregs of society. Here’s a smooth jam for you to listen to whilst sipping beers on your porch or boat or in your garage as you enjoy a Friday night in the summer. Have a chillax weekend.
OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 11
Yoko is following: 831,765 (+13,296)
@SomethingAuthor is following: 1913 (+6)
Weekly Recap: First of all, I had to de-follow three people that followed Cindy Alvey. I, somehow, was following them. Second, I need more followers so that I can follow more people. So if you don’t follow me, get out there and do it. Tell your friends to do it. Make a Twitter account for your dog and do it. Make up a novelty account and follow me. In other news Yoko regained the lead in most followingest this week. She passed Hootsuite by 6000 or so. She is number one again. All the more reason to take. her. down.
Something Authorly Follower Of The Week: Lady Unemployed @Lady_Unemployed
As a fellow unemployed blogger (and a laid off worker) I raise a fist in solidarity to you Lady Unemployed. Also the blog is good (if a bit scary in how close it hits to home for me). So go out and follow her. Hopefully she’ll blow up in popularity and make enough money from blogging that she won’t need a job at which point I will be overcome with jealousy which will culminate in me hacking into her site and changing her banner to read, “I owe everything I have to Himbokal.” Phew. I think maybe all those Supreme Court comments rubbed off on me.
-Please note, Follower Of The Week is chosen by combing through my emails alerting me of new followers and then mercurially picking one. I don’t know these people and they almost certainly don’t condone or endorse anything on this blog. If you win follower of the week and don’t want to be, send me an email and I’ll take it down. To get all the deets on Operation Yoko No No go to the top of the main page or click here.