Tell Us What Your Biggest Weakness Is

You’d like to put something like this as your cover letter/intro email:

Yeah, hi.  Look just give me the fucking job.  I’m not interested in coming in for an interview.  They’re a waste of your time and mine. They are solely to ascertain whether I have average personal hygiene and to make sure I don’t have lifeless shark eyes (I don’t).  You don’t want another {insert pain in the ass at your current workplace–call her Barbara} at the office.  Actually, if you’re lucky, I won’t get along with Barbara and then we can work out a “hostile work environment” scheme to get her fired. Then after umpteen write-ups because {insert mildly lazy, obliviously douchy stickler for meaningless details boss’s name here–call him Bruce} wants to do everything by the book which means documenting Barbara for leaving a used tampon on the counter in the women’s restroom not once, not twice, but three times.

You know I can do the job because you saw the resume and if I can’t do it you can term me within 90 days.  No harm, no foul.  The fact that you are considering an interview means I meet some base requirement so save us both some feigned professionalism where you ask me about my biggest weakness and I pretend there isn’t Mocha-chino dribble on your collar.

Basically it comes down to this: Do you want to continue to find used tampons at work or not?  If I don’t receive a job offer within 24 hours I will assume you are some sort of tampon sniffing fetishist.  Then I’ll call Bruce and tell him all about it while I interview for your job, pervert.

Warmest Regards,

Himbokal

But you won’t.  Because you’re a pussy.

It’s okay.  I’m a pussy too.

Almost this pussy-ish.

Seriously, take a look at this cover letter I sent recently:

Please find attached resume for consideration for the Office Manager position listed on Craiglist.  I have extensive restaurant management experience as well as office management experience.  I feel this would be a great fit as I’ve performed all of the duties listed and I am passionate about the food industry, particularly local boutique style restaurants like [redacted] (I love the menu!).  If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.  I look forward to discussing this opportunity further.  Thank you and have a great day.

I am passionate about the food industry?  Discussing this opportunity?  I love the menu!  What kind of boner doctor says this stuff?  That is some groveling, pussy ass shit right thurr.  And as everyone knows, the only part of the food industry I’m passionate about is the douchy Yelp reviewer part of it.

Thing is, I actually got one of my few interviews (only) out this cover letter.  The interviewer was bored/tired and I didn’t get the job.  Because you know what?  Nobody gets a job from interviews.  That’s the secret nobody talks about.  You only get adult jobs by knowing somebody.  You think J. Edgar Hoover interviewed for head of the FBI?

[Scene: Shadowy smoky office.  J.Edgar Hoover and another applicant sit across from the Human Resources director for the United States.]

HR Director: And how many crimes have you solved, Mr. Hoover?

Hoover: Now that we’ve solved the Case of the Burgled Bugler, that makes it 13,249.

HR Director: By God that’s two more than Clyde here!  You are now the new director of the FBI.

[Clyde bursts from his chair and runs to the corner crying; begins to masturbates]

Hoover [gesturing to Clyde]: That masturbator over there?  What’s his name?

HR Director [flipping through resumes]: Clyde…uh, let’s see, I just had it a minute, oh here we are.  His name is Clyde Tolson.

[Aaaand scene!]

We now rejoin our regularly scheduled blog post:

—-Now I’m not saying J.Edgar Hoover was a gay homosexual but did you ever see him and Freddie Mercury in the same room together?  No, you never do!  No one has!  That’s part of the con–oh.  Hi.  You’re back already.  Anywho, the job search.

Everything about the job search is grovely and pathetic.  You find yourself saying things like, “I implemented and headed our health department compliance group ensuring a 100 score for 3 straight years.”

No you didn’t.  You got a 100 because one of your servers sold blow to the health inspector a couple of weeks ago and you threatened to rat him (the inspector) out if he didn’t give you a perfect score on the inspection.  Which is way cooler and demonstrates a ruthless business acumen that interviewers should put more emphasis on.  But nope.  Instead: “Tell us what your biggest weakness is?”

My biggest weakness?  You mean outside of crawling in here begging for job and using action words and telling you that I implemented stuff and excelled in a dynamic work environment?  There’s some pussier shit that I could be saying?  My biggest weakness?  Okay, how about my suicidally low self-esteem?  The sort of self-esteem that’s so low that it makes me utter things like “I have a real passion for filing” or “I try to improve my work performance each and every day” in public and, worse, to mean it.  All for the sake of a job that pays $12 an hour.

But to be honest, my biggest weakness is my recent penchant for asking strangers for jobs.  That’s my biggest weakness.

Have an employed weekend.

/

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OPERATION: YOKO NO NO UPDATE- WEEK 1

Yoko is following: 769,639 (+5,957)

@SomethingAuthor is following: 1739 (+1660)

*Change from last week in parentheses

Weekly Recap: The fuck is this bitch doing?  She’s 78.  How do you click a mouse that many times?  How does she even have a mouse?  It was a tough week folks.  We lost a little ground.  But it’s okay.  Everybody starts somewhere.  I just got to get more followers so I can my ratio up and then follow EVERYONE!  I’m now at 190 followers so that ratio has to get better.  One good thing did happen this week.  Our dear Director of Imaging and Logos created a logo for Operation Yoko No-No:

I following you!

Follower Of The Week: Liz Brown @TheLizBrownShow

I did consider making Sex Streetart the follower of the week just because they somehow worked a boobs graphic into their Twitter handle but I think it’s a bot and bots don’t get Follower of the Week.  So congratulations, Liz Brown, you’re the winner.  I picked her because she contributes to LA Weekly and she wrote a funny article about vagina-looking flowers.  So get out  there and follow Liz!

-Please note, Follower of the week is chosen by combing through my emails alerting me of new followers and then mercurially picking one.  I don’t know these people and they almost certainly don’t condone or endorse anything on this blog.  If you win follower of the week and don’t want to be, send me an email and I’ll take it down.  To get all the deets on Operation Yoko No No go to the top of the main page or click here.