Unless you already did the porn. Then you’re fucked.
If you haven’t heard about Stacie Halas, here’s a few headlines to get you up to speed:
Say what you will about right wing hack news organizations, they do know how to write action packed headline.
So wait, I don’t get it. Is she teaching people to be porn stars or is she a porn star who’s a teacher? (I really should read these before I start cutting and pasting). Hold please.
Okay, here’s the story:
-Woman does the porn or for you netizens, pr0n. And yes, that’s spelled with a zero.
-Woman quits porn; gets hired as a teacher three years later. Teaches science for three years. Keeps hair up and glasses on, thus keeping her true identity a secret.
-Novice masturbators/8th grade Haydock Intermediate students find teacher’s porn past on teh internetz.
-Freshly masturbated Haydock Intermediate students report teacher’s porn past.
-Parents of formerly masturbating Haydock Intermediate students are outraged and report porn past to school board.
-School board suspends teacher while investigating alleged porn past.
-Teachers knock each other over 3-stooges-style as they try to exit through classroom doorway at the same time.
-Teachers (and likely masturbators) with smart phones locate the videos.
-School fires teacher for being a “distraction” to 8th grade masturbators.
And now the rest of the story…
She’s appealing the decision. That’s it. I just wanted to reference national security breach-er and beloved radio host Paul Harvey.
"I tried porn once. It was a...good day!"
What I like about the former porn star stuff is how sticky the profession is. You can’t clean it off you to save your life. It’s like glitter paste on your soul. Everything is “ex-pornstar this” and “former fuck pic actress that”. Take this story from the New York Daily News about Tera Myers whom has left two jobs after students discovered that she was in a porn in the 1990′s. Take this line from NYDN story:
Myers, whose stage name is Rikki Andersin, said she made the movies when she was living in California,
Her stage name is Rikki Andersin? This story was written in 2011. You’re telling me it’s still her porn name 15 years later? Is it some kind of kinky social security number? Do they retire your porn name once you’ve used it?
Porn Director: And what’s your name dear?
Tera: Wait, my real name or my porn name? This is like the most confusing part of the industry.
Porn Director: Your real name please. I’ll also need to see some ID.
Tera: It’s Tera Myers. {hands over ID}
Porn Director: {swipes ID in card reader and waits a moment}. All right and just to verify that it is really you, I need you to take your glasses off slowly and then unpin your hair and wave it around in a sultry manner for no less that five seconds.
{Tera removes glasses and lets hair down, shaking it out}
Porn Director: Okay, Rikki. Everything checks out. Let’s get you into wardrobe.
Rikki: Oh, actually, I was hoping to use a different name? It’s not the 90′s anymore and I’m not into Motley Crue so…
Porn Director: {disappointed} That was Nikki Sixx. You’re thinking of Riki Rachtmann. Common mistake. Now come on Rikki, this shoot’s coming fast and you’ll miss it if we don’t get you changed and make-up’d.
Rikki: I’d like to go by the name Oceanalynne.
Porn Director: Now you know that’s not how things work. You chose the name, you get the horns. Forever.
_________________________________________________________
Or take the story of Sean Loftis, another teacher that had the audacity to mess around with boners in front of a camera.
Shouldn’t it be “Sean Loftis, Teacher, Fired Over Gay Porn Past”? Why’s the porn thing have to come first? It says right in the headline that dong loving was in his past. Or at least the filmed dong loving. Or at least the paid and filmed dong loving.
Actually, on second thought, maybe we do need a heads up about everybody’s faults when writing stories about them. Then we can warn everybody about what a bunch of horrible people every single person is.
An thank god they got this woman out of the public schools in Oxnard. I heard from hairy upper-lipped and clinically depressed mother Marcia Rosemount, that bed-wetter Paul Martinson’s masturbating son, Brian Martinson, was having a hard time concentrating in Ms. Halas’ science classroom. He’d discussed it during lunch with renowned local masturbator and classmate, Ricardo Torres. Torres himself had been having issues in class — none of which were due to Ms. Halas whorish ways — but were due to convicted arsonist Umberto Torres who is also Ricardo’s father. Besides killing a pedestrian 22 years ago in a DUI incident, Umberto had recently been laid off from his job and had started drinking heavily which diminished his natural science skills. Rico had taken to getting study help from dishonorably discharged Marine and current PTSD sufferer as well as neighbor, Gavin De La Salle.
In a statement from hardcore leather power bottom and school superintendent Alvin Gumbert, the skank Ms. Halas, was described as “a porn whore and morally bankrupt pile of sex bones that nonetheless performed her instructional duties at the high standards we expect from Haydock Intermediate. Unfortunately, we can’t continue to employ the cum-bucket and educator due to the distraction it will cause in our asbestos ridden middle school.”
Thank Jebus, somebody has their head on straight or this skeezin’ for a pleasin’ strumpet would have put these onanistic teenage boys in a dangerous environment. The kind of environment where people just up and change over the course of half a dozen years. And that is not what we want happening in our high schools.
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Don’t forget to join the mission, Operation: Yoko No No. Follow @somethingauthorly on Twitter and spread #operationyokonono.
I hate glitter paste. You’d think it would taste better than regular paste, but it doesn’t. It’s worse. And it makes you look like a huffer after you’ve eaten enough of it. And don’t get me started on the post-glitter paste sneezes
You are one dedicated foodie.
Foodie or fattie?