There was a mild online dust-up on the intertubes yesterday. In one corner was Gawker writer Hamilton Nolan who periodically updates Gawker readers on the incredibly entertaining tweets of Chet Haze. In the other corner was Northwestern student Chet Haze. Chet Haze is the stage name of Chester M. Hanks son of Tom Hanks. He is a rapper turned R&B crooner and entertainment type person. His Twitter account is by far the most entertaining thing about Mr. Haze. It is, dare I say, majestic:
Fucking bustas. Whyn’t u get off Chaze’s nuts, yo?
As a man with zero time for bustas, he did not take kindly to Mr. Nolan’s post.
Nerds always gotta be dishing up a batch of hatato salad, fer realz. (I heart the shit of it when people inform us that they will be ‘doing’ or ‘being’ themselves and that you’d be wise to ‘be’ or ‘do’ yourself. Oh you’re going to do you? Word?)
As I read through Chester’s Twitter feed it became increasingly clear that this man was no ordinary college student blessed with an over-abundance of game. It’s not a stretch to declare him the prodigal Hanks son (sorry Colin).
What better person to update some of Tom Hank’s classic movie lines than the swagged out apple of his eye?
Indeed we do.
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The Movie: A League Of Their Own
The Line: “There’s no crying in baseball!”
The Chetified Version:
Sometimes Chester does the leg work for you. He’s a hustla.
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The Movie: Forrest Gump
The Line: “I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.”
The Chetified Version:
Chetty may not be a smart man but he knows what college is.
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The Movie: Road To Perdition
The Line(s): “And I want dirty money only, everything you’re holding for Capone that’s off the books. Open the safe.”
The Chetified Version:
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The Movie: Castaway
The Line: “87 hours is an eternity. The cosmos was created in less time.”
The Chetified Version:
Ayo, Chetty be all on dat cosmonological tip. I hear this in the voice of Cameron Diaz’s brother in There’s Something About Mary.
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The Movie: Sleepless in Seattle
The Line: “It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together and I knew it.”
The Chetified Version:
Let’s assume he’s talking about marriage here.
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The Movie: A League Of Their Own
The Line: “Well I could certainly use the money.”
The Chetified Version:
Chetty, I think you maybe sorta missed the point of that idiom but whatever. I’m just glad you got something out of freshman English other than HPV.
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The Movie: Charlie Wilson’s War
The Line: “A friend of mine is a well-known belly dancer in Texas. It’s always been her dream to perform in Egypt, so she’s our way in. While she’s dancing for the Defense Minister, we’ll be talking to the deputy.”
The Chetified Version:
All hail the greatest spelling of strip club evar. Striyip klub for lyfe!
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The Movie: The Money Pit
The Line: “Is it me? Hah! Is it me? Honey I’ve been here so long I’m hallucinating. Awhile ago I thought the Care Bears were here.”
The Chetified Version:
I have no idea what this tweet even means. I just wanted to use a quote from The Money Pit because I love that movie so hard. I Googled Pop Bread and it appears to be some sort of french bread? I’m not sure how that relates to toasters (maybe there’s supposed to be a dash in there?) or what exactly is being communicated here but, play on player. Cop u sum Pop Bread. Or toasters or whatever. I’m so confused.
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Chester is signed to a label called Kinetik Entertainment. It is run by Chet Haze’s doode fa lyfe, Briggs Goldberg. Kinetik is misspelled cuz hip-hop. They probably should have fucked up the spelling even more because Kinetik has a branding problem.
There are at least a dozen other companies or artists using doing business as Kinetik with a K.
-There is Kinetik Power which is some kind of power source for making your car stereo reach 180 dBs cause that’s fun.
-Then there is an app store named Kinetik.
-There’s the Kinetik Festival (that second K is backwards for extra metal) which features The Gothsicles who are probably totes complex and favor dark clothing.
-Then there is Kinetikcom.com which is a graphic design and communications firm in D.C. with a website that has annoying navigation.
-And there is an album by Phutureprimative that is called, wait for it, Kinetik.
-Oh and a clean energy company; Kinetik Partners.
-And an IT company in the Phoenix area.
-Also a specialty raw materials provider for the personal care industry. Shout out to natural butters.
-And a climbing product company.
But that’s only like eight other companies (and an album title) that spell their name exactly how your record label spells it (if you don’t count Kinetik medical devices or Houston based Kinetik Motorsport). So eleven total. But that’s all right. We know this music stuff is temporary. As soon as he’s done with college he’ll be inexplicably cast in movies and television. Why bother Googling potential record label names to see if a million bazillion people are already using your name for boring stuff like computers and shit. That’s just a waste of time for a man making moves like Chaze:
I, for one, can’t wait to see Chester in The Money Pit II: Busted Ass Hizzouse.
Merc on player, merc on.
[Gawker]
[CHETHAZE]
/
This post made me think of something I’ve been meaning to seek your authorly advice on.
Do you have any tips for writing gooder tweets, texts, and emails (especially when seducting)? It’s difficult to choose just the right words w/o just listing every word you know.
Thanks Himbokal!
-Speachless in St. Peezy
I’m glad you asked, A-Bomb. I do have some tips that I stole from Mashable about an hour ago. One: Hashtag everything. If you are trying to get a honey to go out with you via Tweets you might try something like this: #You #are #fineasfuck #and #I’d #like #to #get #downonthepumpum. Hashtag spacing is very important. You need certain key phrases together so that you capture ALL the people searching for downonthepumpum at any given moment. You’re costing yourself anywhere from 17% to 28% engagement with pumpum through ineffectual hash-tagging. Hope this helps SSP.
This is oddly depressing… I checked out Chester’s twitter feed. Now I feel like I need to get a drink. I used to muse about how stupid people are becoming because I had faith in the clarity and empowerment that comes with intelligence. I am no longer laughing.
“My fingaz, dey itchin… Dey itchin fa dat paypa”
Seriously, kill me now. What the hell is going on with his schizophrenic and poor use of ebonics? One minute he is heading to the “Striyip klub” to do some “Mobbin” and the next he is stating that “Quantum physicists argue that the universe cannot exist without mind entering into it”.
Dear @tomhanks… Your son makes me want injure myself. Perhaps you can set Chester up with an internship this summer? He clearly needs an outlet for all of his “creativity” and we need a break from morons that intentionally massacre the english language.
Ugh
I’ve wondered if Tom knows Chet is the dud kid. He’s got five kids total so one was bound to be a dud. My parents only had three and they got two duds. Keep studying little brother, the fate of the family rests with you!
It’s a good thing your family doesn’t care enough about you to read your blogs. Your sister would kick your ass.
I could take her probably.