There was a mild online dust-up on the intertubes yesterday. In one corner was Gawker writer Hamilton Nolan who periodically updates Gawker readers on the incredibly entertaining tweets of Chet Haze. In the other corner was Northwestern student Chet Haze. Chet Haze is the stage name of Chester M. Hanks son of Tom Hanks. He is a rapper turned R&B crooner and entertainment type person. His Twitter account is by far the most entertaining thing about Mr. Haze.
Fucking bustas. Whyn’t u get off Chaze’s nuts, yo?
As a man with zero time for bustas, he did not take kindly to Mr. Nolan’s post.
Nerds always gotta be dishing up a batch of hatato salad, fer realz. (I heart the shit of it when people inform us that they will be ‘doing’ or ‘being’ themselves and that you’d be wise to ‘be’ or ‘do’ yourself. Oh you’re going to do you? Word?)
As I read through Chester’s Twitter feed it became increasingly clear that this man was no ordinary college student blessed with an over-abundance of game. It’s not a stretch to declare him the prodigal Hanks son (sorry Colin).
What better person to update some of Tom Hank’s classic movie lines than the swagged out apple of his eye
Indeed we do.
The Movie: A League Of Their Own
The Line: “There’s no crying in baseball!”
Sometimes Chester does the leg work for you. He’s a hustla.
The Movie: Forrest Gump
The Line: “I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.”
Chetty may not be a smart man but he knows what college is.
The Movie: Road To Perdition
The Line(s): “And I want dirty money only, everything you’re holding for Capone that’s off the books. Open the safe.”
The Movie: Castaway
The Line: “87 hours is an eternity. The cosmos was created in less time.”
Ayo, Chetty be all on dat cosmonological tip. I hear this in the voice of Cameron Diaz’s brother in There’s Something About Mary.
The Movie: Sleepless in Seattle
The Line: “It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together and I knew it.”
Let’s assume he’s talking about marriage here.
The Movie: A League Of Their Own
The Line: “Well I could certainly use the money.”
Chetty, I think you maybe sorta missed the point of that idiom but whatever. I’m just glad you got something out of freshman English other than HPV.
The Movie: Charlie Wilson’s War
The Line: “A friend of mine is a well-known belly dancer in Texas. It’s always been her dream to perform in Egypt, so she’s our way in. While she’s dancing for the Defense Minister, we’ll be talking to the deputy.”
All hail the greatest spelling of strip club evar. Striyip klub for lyfe!
The Movie: The Money Pit
The Line: “Is it me? Hah! Is it me? Honey I’ve been here so long I’m hallucinating. Awhile ago I thought the Care Bears were here.”
I have no idea what this tweet even means. For all know he could be promoting a site about rice cookers. I just wanted to use a quote from The Money Pit because I love that movie so hard. I Googled Pop Bread and it appears to be some sort of french bread? I’m not sure how that relates to toasters (maybe there’s supposed to be a dash in there?) or what exactly is being communicated here but, play on player. Cop u sum Pop Bread. Or toasters or whatever. I’m so confused.
Chester is signed to a label called Kinetik Entertainment. It is run by Chet Haze’s doode fa lyfe, Briggs Goldberg. Kinetik is misspelled cuz hip-hop. They probably should have fucked up the spelling even more because Kinetik has a branding problem.
There are at least a dozen other companies or artists using doing business as Kinetik with a K.
-There is Kinetik Power which is some kind of power source for making your car stereo reach 180 dBs cause that’s fun.
-Then there is an app store named Kinetik.
-There’s the Kinetik Festival (that second K is backwards for extra metal) which features The Gothsicles who are probably totes complex and favor dark clothing.
-Then there is Kinetikcom.com which is a graphic design and communications firm in D.C. with a website that has annoying navigation.
-And there is an album by Phutureprimative that is called, wait for it, Kinetik.
-Oh and a clean energy company; Kinetik Partners.
-And an IT company in the Phoenix area.
-Also a specialty raw materials provider for the personal care industry. Shout out to natural butters.
-And a climbing product company.
But that’s only like eight other companies (and an album title) that spell their name exactly how your record label spells it (if you don’t count Kinetik medical devices or Houston based Kinetik Motorsport). So eleven total. But that’s all right. We know this music stuff is temporary. As soon as he’s done with college he’ll be inexplicably cast in movies and television. Why bother Googling potential record label names to see if a million bazillion people are already using your name for boring stuff like computers and shit.
I, for one, can’t wait to see Chester in The Money Pit II: Busted Ass Hizzouse.
Merc on player, merc on.