I caved in and went to work for Horace Goodspeed and the Child Bride. What else could I do? Ten bucks and hour is ten bucks an hour. Rent isn’t going to pay itself. Besides, it’s not like I ever have to see them again. Strictly emailing back and forth. No other contact. Fuck you want from me?
Part 2 of a 2 part story. See Tuesday’s post for the closest thing you’re going to get to context.
I woke up to this incoming email from Horace:
SUBJECT: Hey bro, did you get that last email I sent you? It’s very important that
you share our artistic vision for these Tweets. Twitter is the most important platform for branding that has ever been produced and we don’t want to screw it up. More accurately, we don’t want you to screw it up. We expect all tweets to be corrected and sent back within one hour of submission. If we find that you have plagiarized any of our tweets for your own Twitter feed, you will be terminated and we will sue for any followers you received through our tweets. However, if you would like use of any of the tweets (after a 72 hour waiting period) you will be granted first bid on them. The bidding will start at $50. It’s probably your only real shot at increasing your readership on that blog thing you’re always yammering about. You’d have exclusive access to the tweets of the sexiest talent to hit the entertainment world since Marilyn Monroe. Even the snobs that read your blog would be interested in that.
P.S. Pretty cool email handle, right? I got it at auction after the series ended. Only $17!
P.P.S. Dude, Courtney is sooooo nude right now! I’d send you a pic, but I’d get arrested! LOL!
Subject: Adverbs and adjectives
First, do you have another email? It’s very distracting to type in Jack when I’m writing to
Horace Goodspeed to you Doug. Do you have a Gmail account? That would make things much easier.
Second, is this really how she types her Tweets? Not to be insulting or anything but the vocabulary seems advanced (for lack of a better word) for a 17 year old. Overuse of adverbs and adjectives makes the writing sound amateurish and weakens the overall effect. Also dusky means somber, gloomy, murky. Usually not the sort of things people associate with desirable. Errands usually refer to mundane things. I understand she’s going for the alliteration but I think she already covered that base with the other two alliterations in the tweet. Alliterations can add some spark to sentences but, like adverbs, shouldn’t be overused otherwise they lose their luster. I recommend this instead:
Slipped on my little black dress and I’m off take care of business! LOL! XOXO! BFF!
Subject: The email stays
I paid $17 for this email handle. I’m only paying $10/hr for your services. The email stays. Plus it’s cool as shit. Alliteration is her thing. She is also an aspiring poetess and this is how she expresses herself. And nobody says BFF anymore, grandpa. XO is barely cool anymore. We’ve been trying to think of something super fresh and spunky to sign off on our tweets. We’re thinking along the lines of “Kissez Bitchez” but edgier.
Subject: Adverbs and the cat stuff again.
As I’ve said no less than eleven other times, she needs to cool it with the cat stuff. There is really no such thing as a kittenish day unless she spent most of it napping and then tearing around the house trying to climb door frames and going to the bathroom in plastic bins. You of all people should remember she’s 17 (you certainly manage to work it into most conversations) and it skeeves people out when her tweets sound like a Penthouse letter written by a guy who cut and pasted bits of his daughter’s friends’ Facebook updates. I really think you should go with something like this for today:
Lazing the day away around the pool. What are all my peeps up to? Kissez Bitchez. XO
Subject: The cat stuff stays
Like I said when we discussed the alliteration, the cat stuff is just part of who she is. Cats are, hands down, the sexiest animal there is. Courtney is, hands down, the sexiest woman there is. It’s a no brainer. It’s called branding. Something you might want to pay more attention to with your little blog. Speaking of which, you still owe me $150. That check came back NSF.
P.S. We’ve decided to move away from Kisses Bitchez. We feel like it’s sending the wrong message.
First of all, I appreciate your invitation back for dinner. I’m willing to come back on the condition that I bring all the food from my own home and I supervise all the preparation. Also Courtney is not to be in the kitchen at any time prior to serving of the food. These are my conditions.
Second, though it seems impossible (and I’ll deny I wrote this if anyone asks), we are starting to lose followers due to the vocabulary of Courtney’s tweets. If we don’t “dumb down” our tweets a little bit we are going to have trouble. I was profoundly humbled when I went to the dictionary and found that both “sapid” and “smaze” were real words. Unfortunately, our demographic is not the “dictionary” crowd. And also, it’s called a mirror. The word mirror is fine. And it’s a looking glass not a seeing glass. If she’s going to tweet like a Ren Faire reject at least get the terms right. And an inanimate object cannot be sultry.
Third, looking back through my emails, I would prefer you just called me Himbokal. The Sexokal stuff is freaking me out. It’s kind of over the top sexual. Try to come up with something more subtle. Or just call me Himbo as I’ve asked numerous times.
Subject: The dictionary stuff stays
I really don’t think that was all Courtney’s fault and it’s a little unfair for you to owes us money and then complain when we provide you with a free meal. A lot of people would be intrigued by a steak that is garnished with female juices. And you dug right in and seemed to be enjoying it up until Courtney told you about her special ingredient.
Look I can’t hold back her vocabulary. Censoring her tweets would just be pandering in order to get a larger following. Don’t get me wrong, we want a larger following (look out Ashton Kutcher!) but there’s a classy way to do it.
Subject: You should not imply that Courtney is having sex with Santa
I’m sorry but this is too much. In retrospect I really think we crossed the Rubicon with the whole signing off of tweets with “Fingerbangz MyBitchez!” thing. That is way over the line. Or at least it was until this tweet. I just think it is a horrible idea to imply or even dance around the idea that Courtney is blowing Santa Claus. We’ve made many mistakes, but this one I just can’t let slide. If you post this as is, I’m done working for you.
P.S. In the event this is the end of my employment with you, I would like to retain first right to her tweets at the agreed upon rate of $50 per. To be quite honest, it’s the only successful part of my blog.
Subject: The Santa stuff stays. You Go.
I’m sorry it had to end this way. I really thought things were going smoothly but obviously we differ on philosophy when it comes to Twitter. I think that ultimately you’ll find that this is the wave of the future. Classy sexuality is what’s hot right now and Courtney’s got it in spades. I blame myself a little. After the tiff over the whole fingerbangz issue I felt like maybe there was a divide opening. Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings. I have enclosed the picture we are sending out as a Christmas card to friends and family just to show I’m a standup guy.
Sexy and sincerely,
P.S. Get a load of that ass!
And thus ended my stint as the copy editor for the Child Bride.
Have a sapid weekend.