When you’re on a Knife-Edge…

Survival in a dire situation is always tricky. Both your physical and mental health is at risk, and failure in any action can lead to permanent damage or even death. So, whenever there is a chance that something might go wrong, it never hurts to be prepared. And, for me, the best preparation comes in the form of a sharp knife.

There are few things more useful than a knife in any outdoor scenario, be it life-or-death or just recreational. The capabilities of a sharp piece of metal when out in the field are staggering when you take a step back and really look at them. And when I look back at a survival training course I was on, I would have been lost without a knife.


Knives are great tools from the very beginning – as soon as you step outdoors. But in a survival situation, they really come into their own. First priority is water, and that is down to the individual to find, but as soon as you need to set up a shelter, knives become your best friends. They can easily hack through branches with a few well-placed strikes, assuming that your knife doesn’t already have a serrated edge to just saw through the wood. If you need bindings, sharp knives can glide through bark to make strong and durable ropes. In bush-craft, knives are necessary for anything and everything. Precision whittling, splitting, carving – the list goes on. And I learnt all that in the first few hours.

There is irony, however, in the danger associated with knives – everything you’ve managed to accomplish with your knife can be just as easily taken away by the same blade if you’re rash, reckless and irresponsible. As far as general guidelines go, never grab a knife by the blade, and always try to hold the knife by the handle. If you need to pass the knife to someone else, then carefully hold the handle as close to the blade as you can get, so that the other person has as much handle to hold as possible. Don’t point the point or blade at yourself or others, even if they are well out of reach – it’s a good habit to get into to prevent you from hurting yourself or others. Never ‘strike’ the blade towards you or towards others – always away from the body and into clear space in front of you. If the knife gets jammed in anything, never try to force it through. It’s easier and safer to pull the knife out and try again. If you need extra pressure to cut though something, you can out your thumb behind the blade, so long as it’s not double-edged or serrated. Most of this is just basic common sense, but you always need to keep this in mind when you’re handling knives.

The knife I have is a fixed blade knife – that is to say that the blade is solidly fixed to the handle. There are folding knives available, which are much more discrete and compact, but I find that fixed blades are much more reliable, durable and generally cheaper to maintain. I try to make sure me knife is always sharp, because a blunt knife is much less useable than a well sharpened one. If I find my knife is blunt, I usually spend about half an hour or so with a whetstone, sharpening it. And I always keep it in its sheath with a spark stick, just in case.

You never know when you’ll be on a knife edge … and need a knife.

Fed up of Cooking – try a Deep Fryer and a Rice Cooker!

I never used to enjoy the time I spent in the kitchen preparing food. Slaving away over a hot stove is demoralising, time consuming and rarely worth the effort that you put it. And I became tired of spending hours in the kitchen when I could instead be doing something I enjoy, like hobbies or even just watching TV. So I decided to look for a solution and tried to find some kitchen appliances that would speed up cooking, or do my cooking for me. And I actually found some, and I now, I would be lost without them.

fryerThe first one is a Deep Fryer, and it is fantastic. They are so easy to use, really quick, almost effortless and (if you do it right) is nowhere near as bad for you as people seem to think. I use my deep fryer to make an enormous amount of fries, and I think I’m pretty good at it now. I don’t have to replace the oil too often (so I don’t need to clean it that often either). If you don’t go over the top, it can literally be as simple as throwing in whatever you want to fry and setting the right temperature. For fries, I use 375 degrees, but it’s best to check specifically for what you’re cooking. And then, I just let the fryer do its thing – I’ll check it every few minutes just to make sure it’s not burning, and then I’ll take them out after 10 minutes, and they’re done. Perfect fries, cooked to perfection, in hardly any time with hardly any effort.

The other appliance is a rice cooker, and (as the name suggests) it cook rice really well. A lot of rice cookers come with manuals or guidelines to help you cook, but the principle is usually the same. For every cup of rice you want to cook, you add a cup of water plus a half cup. So, if you want to cook 2 cups of rice, you use 2 and a half cups of water. 4 cups of rice is 4 and a half cups of water, and so on. Unlike the deep fryer, you can set a timer on this, and actually walk away until the timer goes off.  Once cooked, you lift the bowl out of the rice cooker, and serve freshly cooked rice. Luckily, rice is a side that goes with a lot of mains, and with so many different types of rice, you can actually use it a lot.

cookerBut, I found that you can use rice cookers for loads of other things too. So my rice cooker does rice in the evenings and oatmeal for my breakfast. And oatmeal is even easier to cook in a rice cooker than rice (oddly). I pour dry oats and milk/water in, and then give it a few minutes to heat through, before pouring it into a bowl. Once, I set it on a slow cook, and actually went back to bed for 20 minutes, so I could ‘wake up’ to a hot breakfast. It was amazing.

Technically, I still don’t enjoy the time I spend in the kitchen, but because I’m spending much less time cooking, it doesn’t seem as bad. And I have a deep fryer and a rice cooker to thank for that.

Daniel Tosh’s Joke

[Full disclosure: I think Tosh is funny, both his show and his stand-up.  If that is an immediate deal-breaker for you then I just saved you from having to read the rest of this post. You are welcome.]

Many of the articles written on Daniel Tosh’s rape joke extravaganza begin with the following clip which is meant both to illustrate his boiling hatred of women as well as his manifest unfunniness.

I laughed at this.  I’ll explain later.

Daniel Tosh is the new WORST PERSON WHO’S EVAR SAID ANYTHING EVAR!  At least according to half of the internet. Or most of the internet for me because it seems like every outlet I go to is tripping over themselves to condemn Tosh as not only a promoter of raping but the least funny person to step on stage since Andrew Dice Clay.

If you missed the story Tosh went overboard dealing with a heckler and according to this anonymous blogger, Tosh allegedly said the following to the anonymous blogger’s friend:

“Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…”


He later tweeted a somewhat half-assed apology that was interpreted as admitting that things went down in the way the blogger claimed.

According to a follow-up on Buzzfeed though there is some question as to the anonymous blogger’s version of events. (The blogger has refused to comment to the media so far)  The owner of the Laugh Factory, Jamie Masada (who has his own conflict of interest but we’ll give him at least the same benefit of the doubt as the anonymous blogger) claims it was much less aggressive if still offensive and that the woman and her friend did not leave immediately but watched the rest of the show and then complained.  His version:

Masada says Tosh asked the audience, “What you guys want to talk about?” After someone in the front said “rape,” a woman in the audience started screaming, “No, rape is painful, don’t talk about it.” Then, Masada says, “Daniel came in, and he said, ‘Well it sounds like she’s been raped by five guys’ — something like that. I really didn’t hear properly.”

He goes on to say:

Masada says that the woman then sat through the rest of Tosh’s set — which received a standing ovation — before complaining to the manager about Tosh’s joke.

Well now what?  This is the internet.  The internet dial has two settings when it comes to controversy: SELF-RIGHTEOUS DEFENSIVENESS and OUTRAGE FOREVER!

My guess is that Tosh’s reply to the heckler fell somewhere in the middle but leaning towards offensive.  A little too much anger; not enough wit.  It was enough that he apologized.  Though if it were as gruesome as she claims on her blog (if she wrote it verbatim then it is definitely over the line) wouldn’t at least one other person in the crowd of 280 come forward and confirm or deny?  Everybody wants to put their two sense in on everything anyway.  And it was at a club in LA for christ sake’s!  Where’s the fame whores?  Come! Claim your 15 seconds!  Tell us what happened!

Of course everybody had to weigh in to show just how totes into feminismand chicks and stuff they were.  Never miss an opportunity to be outraged and show everyone your moral rectitude.  Those on the defensiveness side tended to take to Twitter.  You can find numerous comics standing up for Daniel Tosh (some are pretty funny).

There were a few nuanced responses to the whole thing particularly Lindy West (of whom I’m a super fan boy and if you don’t like her then OUTRAGE FOREVER at you) at Jezebel who takes Tosh to task and also illustrates the difference between a funny rape joke (the person violated is not the butt of the joke) and not a funny rape joke (it makes fun of the victim or just isn’t funny).

For me personally, there is nothing that’s off the menu in the context of comedians telling jokes as long as the intent is not malicious.  That’s where Tosh went off the rails here.  If we believe the blogger’s version of events; this is malicious.  If it was the comedy club owner’s version it sounds more lazy than anything which deserves its own disapprobation.

And it is completely justified to take him to task for saying offensive stuff.  However, do it on your own time.  A standup show is not a Yahoo! article.  Your opinion during the show doesn’t matter.  Go home and blog about it. Or have your friend blog about it.

I saw Transformers 3 in the theater.  I wanted to see some advanced crossbows, like the ones here, but in the movie. I’m not proud of it. At no point did it occur to me to stand up and say “This plot is worse than pubic hair soup!” Other patrons would have justly wished for my speedy death.  Think about the opera.  You’d be slapped across the face with a white glove and challenged to a duel if you hopped up and shouted “Boring!” in the middle of an aria.

The grandiose posturing after the fact is embarrassing.  As is the confusing of rape jokes and actual rape.  I know it’s fun to make sweeping statements like “Rape jokes are never funny” but that’s not true.  Rape jokes are very difficult. They require you to be extra funny/clever/witty to make up for the topic. But they can be funny.

Even when they are about Tosh’s sister.  The point of that joke is how depraved he and his sister are that rape is a practical joke.  It’s an absurd premise with an even more absurd response from the sister.  He’s illustrating how horrible of a person you’d have to be to think that rape is a hilarious episode of Punk’d. And the joke is framed by the victim, not Tosh.  The humor is in the interpretation of the rape.  Not the rape itself. It’s in the same vein as Sarah Silverman’s joke “I was raped by a doctor…which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.” (Tosh’s joke isn’t in Sarah’s league either in cleverness or economy, in my opinion)

(Oh and I love the Hot Pockets throwaway line at the end.  “I had another comic friend finish that joke for me.”  I think these are the sort of great absurdist lines that get lost in the offensive shuffle with Tosh.)

Another thing The Outrage Machine forgets is that rape jokes aren’t actual rape.  Actual rape is not funny.  It’s abhorrent.  It is the worst expression of a paternalistic society.  Standing up against rape jokes is to standing up against actual rape as liking a KONY 2012 video is to standing up against child soldiers.  You didn’t do anything.

Or in this case, all you did was interrupt a comedy show.

The only actual good thing to come of this woman’s blog post is that it got everyone talking about the issue of actual rape and actual violence towards women.  These are things that should be discussed.  People who engage in these behaviors should have their dicks cut off and then forced to listen to castration jokes.

The witch-hunt to ferret out rape jokes is a sanctimonious jaunt designed to congratulate oneself publicly for how right thinking and wonderful they are.

And think about what else we are doing when we valorize this blogger’s friend.  This person sat in a group of people and decided that her experience and her view of a situation was not only valid (which it is) but was more valid than anyone else at the clubs (it isn’t) and that she simply had to make sure everyone knew this because after all she knew what was right and good and she needed to protect everyone else, because well, she knew what was best for everybody.

Of course it sounds a little to paternalistic when you say it that way.  But, no matter.  Rage on internet.  Rage on.

Anti-Gay Pastor Busted For Public Masturbation Sesh

The only reason God is going to forgive you is because it was under the pants. That’s the ONLY reason.

Mama said jerk you off!

Sorry, the haze of yesterday’s post is still burning off.

Say it’s 2002 and you are a self-proclaimed “fundamentalist Christian patriot on a mission from God” who doesn’t realize that every goddamn time you say that the only thing anybody thinks of is The Blues Brothers.

Let’s also say that you just can NOT get over how immoral these queers are with their partyin’ and their drinkin’ and their dancin’ and decadin’.  Particularly when the queers have a whole festival devoted to decadin’.  It’s even called Southern Decadence.  Gah!

If you are the Reverend Grant Storms (and you are, just play along), you get out your brooms, a bull-horn, and your cleverest signs and you march right the hell through that depraved scum-hole of heathenism.

And you bring your video camera.  Because the good Lord knows there are people putting their fingers in rectums and swinging their penises and vaginas about.  And that is unacceptable!  Public sex acts, why that’s illegal!  For shame, you homos.  For shame!

Let’s fast forward a decade.  A tough decade for Grant Storms despite his super hero-ish name.  First the gays do not take the hint and continue to have their festival each year.  Then they cracked down on bull horns (Nazis!).  His church disassociated itself from him.  He began working out of his van.

At some point, he developed a porn problem.  Some people (like myself) would call it a hobby.  Some might call it a vocation depending on your aptitude and drive.  But Grant Storms thought it was a problem.  And on Feb. 25th, 2011 it became a huge problem when a nanny saw him masturbatingin the front seat of his van near a park.

Now they don’t add the words “furiously” but every I hear about public masturbation, I automatically add “furiously” to it.  You have to assume they are really going at it right?  Who’d be slow about it?  That’s even more twisted.

Anyway he was arrested, publicly humiliated.  Then he gave a profoundlyodd and sad impromptu press conference in the parking lot of a motel.

Finally, over a year later, he was convicted of a single count of obscenity (Oh the lulz god and the gays must be having now).

The case sounded pretty cut and dried (“Man’s jerkin’ off, your honor.”) other than two items.  The first is Grant Storms insistence that he did not expose himself and was essentially giving himself an under-the-pants-HJ.

The other was a testy exchange between the Hispanic nanny and the defense lawyers for Grant Storms.  After she testified that she had seen Grant Storms playing whack-a-boner the defense attorney asked her she’d ever even seen a man masturbate.

Yeah, lady, have you even seen a proper jerk sesh?  I doubt it.  You seem like a nerd that like totally doesn’t get any action and nobody has ever even wanted to whack off when you’re around.  Why don’t you go back to your dork squad where nobody does anything cool like expose themselves in a public park?  Loser.

The nanny became, understandably indignant, and through a translator told the attorney it was “embarrassing for you to ask me that”.

Of course she’s seen a man masturbating.  You can’t drive more than a mile or so in the US without running into a man masturbating wildly (and furiously) behind the wheel of a car, or while waiting for car service or repair at shop.  Gah!

Grant Storms received three years probation which seems lenient but whatever.  The real thing we should all take away from this is that if you are going to be a religious zealot who rails against any sexuality that isn’t supported in the good book then please, please, please, please, do one thing for me.

Gamble.  That’s right, start gambling.  Heavily.

You are going to need some outlet for all the pent-up demons and you make it too easy for us to mock you when you turn out to be an incorrigible dick-beater or you like little boys or prostitutes or whatever other sexually depraved fetish you harbor deep inside your holy little body.

At least when you ruin your career and life with gambling it doesn’t lend itself quite so easily to ridicule like say when you rage against public sex acts and then get busted for it yourself.

There’s a free tip from old Himbokal.

Advice From Himbokal: Word Is Bond

A new semi-regular advice column on Something Authorly.

Though I provide wisdom on a weekly basis with this column I think it’s high time I provide an entire column devoted to advice.  So today we will start with a semi-regular column here at Something Authorly called Advice From Himbokal.  Catchy title huh?

I promise I’ll give better advice than this idiot cat.  This weeks questions are all questions that were searched in Google and led people to this website in the last three months.  I doubt they got the answer they were looking for then.  I kinda doubt they will now.

(These are verbatim from search term summary.  The only thing I added is a question mark.)

Question the 1st:  Do porn industries need your social security number?

Answer: This question could go either way.  If you are asking whether they require you social security number to work for them, the answer is yes.  Porn companies are employers just like everybody else once you get past the anal fisting and buckets of cum.  At the end of the day they need your SS for thereporting of wages and tax reporting.

If you’re asking whether they need it when you watch porn on the internet then the answer is technically no but it is a nice gesture.

Question the 2nd: when is a handshake holding?

Answer: There seems to be a variance in what the average handshake length is.  Some people say three pumps.  Some people say 2 seconds.  I recommend a handshake last no less than thirty seconds and you should pull the other person’s hand towards your crotch at the end.  That’s called establishing your dominance and studies show it will increase profits by 25% on average.

See Batman and Superman know what’s up.  Now kiss.

Question the 3rd: should I do porn?

Answer: All signs point strongly to yes.  It’s not like you’re curing cancer.  You’re Googling “Should I do porn?” for Christ’s sake.  This is an easter eggthat Google should start.  Whenever somebody types this into the search bar, the whole screen should go white and then in big bold letters:


Just kidding.  You shouldn’t do porn.  Chances are you don’t have the temperament (methy) or the vagina/dong (leathery) for it.

Question the 4th: who makes jogging strollers in the united states?

Answer: I’m just noticing this but does anybody capitalize stuff when searching it?  Is that just a totes goober move?  Anywho, the following site talks about strollers, so just check them out:

The real question here is why are you so depressed that you are Googling this?  Don’t you know there is porn on the internet?

Question the 5th: why does nobody update their status?

Answer:  Dwight, let these bitches know.

Question the 6th: why was michele leonhart being questioned in congress?

Answer: I can’t really answer that.  It would have been just as useful to question Lindsay Lohan about drug policy as it was to question Michele “Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay” Leonhart.  At least LiLo can tell you the difference between pot and coke.

Question the 7th: who cant be porn star?

Answer: Your mom.  Hi-yo!  Also people with diseased up downstairs parts.

Question the 8th: what would you do if you say someone masturbating in the car next to you?

Answer:  Hmm, a pickle indeed.  (And I assume by “say” you meant “saw”).  I would say do nothing.  Based on news reports the guy is probably going to crash into a parked car or an inanimate object or a murder scene in the next half hour.

Question the 9th: is cray short for crazy?

Answer: Oh fer fuck’s sake.  Short answer: maybe.

Question the 10th: how does yoko ono follow so many people on twitter?

Answer: Now that is an answer I would love to have.  Alas I have no fucking clue either.

If you have questions you’d like answered by Himbokal you should probably reassess where your life is going at this moment.  If you still have questions you’d like answered by Himbokal please send them to me using my nifty contact button.  Once I get enough I’ll answer them in a future Advice from Himbokal.

Tell Us What Your Biggest Weakness Is

You’d like to put something like this as your cover letter/intro email:

Yeah, hi.  Look just give me the fucking job.  I’m not interested in coming in for an interview.  They’re a waste of your time and mine. They are solely to ascertain whether I have average personal hygiene and to make sure I don’t have lifeless shark eyes (I don’t).  You don’t want another {insert pain in the ass at your current workplace–call her Barbara} at the office.  Actually, if you’re lucky, I won’t get along with Barbara and then we can work out a “hostile work environment” scheme to get her fired. Then after umpteen write-ups because {insert mildly lazy, obliviously douchy stickler for meaningless details boss’s name here–call him Bruce} wants to do everything by the book which means documenting Barbara for leaving a used tampon on the counter in the women’s restroom not once, not twice, but three times.

You know I can do the job because you saw the resume and if I can’t do it you can term me within 90 days.  No harm, no foul.  The fact that you are considering an interview means I meet some base requirement so save us both some feigned professionalism where you ask me about my biggest weakness and I pretend there isn’t Mocha-chino dribble on your collar.

Basically it comes down to this: Do you want to continue to find used tampons at work or not?  If I don’t receive a job offer within 24 hours I will assume you are some sort of tampon sniffing fetishist.  Then I’ll call Bruce and tell him all about it while I interview for your job, pervert.

Warmest Regards,


But you won’t.  Because you’re a pussy.

It’s okay.  I’m a pussy too.

Seriously, take a look at this cover letter I sent recently:

Please find attached resume for consideration for the Office Manager position listed on Craiglist.  I have extensive restaurant management experience as well as office management experience.  I haI feel this would be a great fit as I’ve performed all of the duties listed and I am passionate about the food industry, particularly local boutique style restaurants like [redacted] (I love the menu!).  If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.  I look forward to discussing this opportunity further.  Thank you and have a great day.

I am passionate about the food industry?  Discussing this opportunity?  I love the menu!  What kind of boner doctor says this stuff?  That is some groveling, pussy ass shit right thurr.  And as everyone knows, the only part of the food industry I’m passionate about is the douchy Yelp reviewer part of it.

Thing is, I actually got one of my few interviews (only) out this cover letter.  The interviewer was bored/tired and I didn’t get the job.  Because you know what?  Nobody gets a job from interviews.  That’s the secret nobody talks about.  You only get adult jobs by knowing somebody.  You think J. Edgar Hoover interviewed for head of the FBI?

[Scene: Shadowy smoky office.  J.Edgar Hoover and another applicant sit across from the Human Resources director for the United States.]

HR Director: And how many crimes have you solved, Mr. Hoover?

Hoover: Now that we’ve solved the Case of the Burgled Bugler, that makes it 13,249.

HR Director: By God that’s two more than Clyde here!  You are now the new director of the FBI.

[Clyde bursts from his chair and runs to the corner crying; begins to masturbates]

Hoover [gesturing to Clyde]: That masturbator over there?  What’s his name?

HR Director [flipping through resumes]: Clyde…uh, let’s see, I just had it a minute, oh here we are.  His name is Clyde Tolson.

[Aaaand scene!]

We now rejoin our regularly scheduled blog post:

—-Now I’m not saying J.Edgar Hoover was a gay homosexual but did you ever see him and Freddie Mercury in the same room together?  No, you never do!  No one has!  That’s part of the con–oh.  Hi.  You’re back already.  Anywho, the job search.

Everything about the job search is grovely and pathetic.  You find yourself saying things like, “I implemented and headed our health department compliance group ensuring a 100 score for 3 straight years.”

No you didn’t.  You got a 100 because one of your servers sold blow to the health inspector a couple of weeks ago and you threatened to rat him (the inspector) out if he didn’t give you a perfect score on the inspection.  Which is way cooler and demonstrates a ruthless business acumen that interviewers should put more emphasis on.  But nope.  Instead: “Tell us what your biggest weakness is?”

My biggest weakness?  You mean outside of crawling in here begging for job and using action words and telling you that I implemented stuff and excelled in a dynamic work environment?  There’s some pussier shit that I could be saying?  My biggest weakness?  Okay, how about my suicidally low self-esteem?  The sort of self-esteem that’s so low that it makes me utter things like “I have a real passion for filing” or “I try to improve my work performance each and every day” in public and, worse, to mean it.  All for the sake of a job that pays $12 an hour. Sometimes I feel like taking out my fancy knife sharpener, get a knife sharpen while whistling a military march and just slice my wrists.

But to be honest, my biggest weakness is my recent penchant for asking strangers for jobs.  That’s my biggest weakness.

Have an employed weekend.

Tom Hanks Movie Quotes As Tweeted By Chet Haze

There was a mild online dust-up on the intertubes yesterday.  In one corner was Gawker writer Hamilton Nolan who periodically updates Gawker readers on the incredibly entertaining tweets of Chet Haze.  In the other corner was Northwestern student Chet Haze.  Chet Haze is the stage name of Chester M. Hanks son of Tom Hanks.  He is a rapper turned R&B crooner and entertainment type person.  His Twitter account is by far the most entertaining thing about Mr. Haze.

Fucking bustas.  Whyn’t u get off Chaze’s nuts, yo?

As a man with zero time for bustas, he did not take kindly to Mr. Nolan’s post.

Nerds always gotta be dishing up a batch of hatato salad, fer realz. (I heart the shit of it when people inform us that they will be ‘doing’ or ‘being’ themselves and that you’d be wise to ‘be’ or ‘do’ yourself.  Oh you’re going to do you?  Word?)

As I read through Chester’s Twitter feed it became increasingly clear that this man was no ordinary college student blessed with an over-abundance of game.  It’s not a stretch to declare him the prodigal Hanks son (sorry Colin).

What better person to update some of Tom Hank’s classic movie lines than the swagged out apple of his eye

Indeed we do.


The Movie: A League Of Their Own

The Line: “There’s no crying in baseball!”

Sometimes Chester does the leg work for you.  He’s a hustla.


The Movie: Forrest Gump

The Line: “I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.”

Chetty may not be a smart man but he knows what college is.


The Movie: Road To Perdition

The Line(s): “And I want dirty money only, everything you’re holding for Capone that’s off the books. Open the safe.”


The Movie: Castaway

The Line: “87 hours is an eternity.  The cosmos was created in less time.”

Ayo, Chetty be all on dat cosmonological tip.  I hear this in the voice of Cameron Diaz’s brother in There’s Something About Mary.


The Movie: Sleepless in Seattle

The Line: “It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together and I knew it.”

Let’s assume he’s talking about marriage here.


The Movie: A League Of Their Own

The Line: “Well I could certainly use the money.”

Chetty, I think you maybe sorta missed the point of that idiom but whatever.  I’m just glad you got something out of freshman English other than HPV.


The Movie: Charlie Wilson’s War

The Line: “A friend of mine is a well-known belly dancer in Texas. It’s always been her dream to perform in Egypt, so she’s our way in. While she’s dancing for the Defense Minister, we’ll be talking to the deputy.”

All hail the greatest spelling of strip club evar.  Striyip klub for lyfe!


The Movie: The Money Pit

The Line: “Is it me?  Hah! Is it me?  Honey I’ve been here so long I’m hallucinating.  Awhile ago I thought the Care Bears were here.”

I have no idea what this tweet even means.  For all know he could be promoting a site about rice cookers. I just wanted to use a quote from The Money Pit because I love that movie so hard.  I Googled Pop Bread and it appears to be some sort of french bread? I’m not sure how that relates to toasters (maybe there’s supposed to be a dash in there?) or what exactly is being communicated here but, play on player.  Cop u sum Pop Bread.  Or toasters or whatever.  I’m so confused.


Chester is signed to a label called Kinetik Entertainment.  It is run by Chet Haze’s doode fa lyfe, Briggs Goldberg.  Kinetik is misspelled cuz hip-hop.  They probably should have fucked up the spelling even more because Kinetik has a branding problem.

There are at least a dozen other companies or artists using doing business as Kinetik with a K.

-There is Kinetik Power which is some kind of power source for making your car stereo reach 180 dBs cause that’s fun.

-Then there is an app store named Kinetik.

-There’s the Kinetik  Festival (that second K is backwards for extra metal) which features The Gothsicles who are probably totes complex and favor dark clothing.

-Then there is Kinetikcom.com which is a graphic design and communications firm in D.C. with a website that has annoying navigation.

-And there is an album by Phutureprimative that is called, wait for it, Kinetik.

-Oh and a clean energy company; Kinetik Partners.

-And an IT company in the Phoenix area.

-Also a specialty raw materials provider for the personal care industry.  Shout out to natural butters.

-And a climbing product company.

But that’s only like eight other companies (and an album title) that spell their name exactly how your record label spells it (if you don’t count Kinetik medical devices or Houston based Kinetik Motorsport).  So eleven total.  But that’s all right.  We know this music stuff is temporary.  As soon as he’s done with college he’ll be inexplicably cast in movies and television.  Why bother Googling potential record label names to see if a million bazillion people are already using your name for boring stuff like computers and shit.

I, for one, can’t wait to see Chester in The Money Pit II: Busted Ass Hizzouse.

Merc on player, merc on.

Frivolous Lawsuits For Fun And Profit

At some probably inebriated point I signed up for monthly emails from The Institute for Legal Reform, an advocacy offshoot of the US Chamber of Commerce.  Roughly every three weeks or so they send me an email asking me to vote for the “Most Ridiculous Lawsuit” of the month.

The ILR’s main focus is tort reform (they are aggressively pro-defendant which in the case of tort reform generally means pro-business; shocking for a group sprouted from the Chamber of Commerce).  Somehow via Kony2012-like slacktivism voodoo my anonymous internet vote is transubstantiated into “hundreds of thousands of supporters” that a lobbyist somewhere will attempt to use as leverage on a congressman.

I don’t think I’m really who they want these emails going to.  I find the stories awesome. And they give me ideas…

The Real Life Lawsuit: Tova Gerson sued a Century 21 department store for $5 million dollars over 80 cents.  You read that correctly.  She used a $5 coupon and then returned the knife he bought.  When they refunded her, they pro-rated .80 off the refund.  She filed a class action lawsuit that was later dropped.

My Real Life Parallel: Two weeks ago I visited The Hole In The Wall, the #5 best burger in LA, in Santa Monica.  They do not offer soda from a fountain which they make quite clear with numerous signs on the wall.  They list the price for cans of soda as $1.50 (the cost of fountain soda at their other location is $2).  They charged me $2 thus unjustly depriving me of 50 cents.

Expected Payout: $3.125 million dollars based on the ratio Ms. Gerson established.


The Real Life Lawsuit: Denise Keller sued Chuck E. Cheese for promoting gambling in children.  She asked for $5 million dollars (that is a nice round number).  Her lawsuit was dismissed.

My Real Life Parallel: I went to Chuck E. Cheese as a kid.  I now like to gamble.  Open and shut case.

Expected Payout: $5 million dollars plus all gambling losses accrued since I became of legal gambling age.  We’ll put that figure at $2000.  So five million, two thousand dollars.  That looks weird written out.


The Real Life Lawsuit:Homeless man sues Eminem over stealing his video idea.  Claiming he designed the entirety of the commercial (which mostly consists of a car driving around Detroit while a voice speaks over an Eminem song), Mr. Pieck asks for $9 million in compensation for his work.

My Real Life Parallel: My friends and I originated (as far as we know) the “blowing up of the rock” or the “blowing up of the fist bump” circa 2003.  Thus I believe we have grounds for a class action lawsuit versus the defunct television show, Detroit 1-8-7 based on this 2010/2011 scene:

Expected Payout: As Detroit 1-8-7 was somewhat less successful than either Chrysler (barely) or Eminem and because we would also ask for writing credit on the above episode, I believe we are entitled to $5 million dollars.  And a writing credit.  Maybe a producing credit.


The Real Life Lawsuit (and  in this case “real”). Prisoner sues Kardashians for emotional distress.  Asks for $75,000 for the pain and suffering caused by their reality television shows.

My Real Life Parallel: Yo, I’ve seen that shit too.  Where my money at?

Expected Payout: As I am not currently behind bars it will be tougher to claim I was forced to watch the show.  But I think my lack of criminal history will bolster my testimony.  I think $5 million is a fair estimate.  I’d say each sister has caused 500k worth of mental anguish to me and Scott Disick’s existence  has caused $3.5 million in mental anguish.

Fat Man Uncomfortable With Dead Rat Soccer In McDonalds

I bet you didn’t even have to watch the video to figure out where this happened.  You started reading the title and before I could get all the way through ‘soc–’ you were like “Florida!”

Thus why you are the bomb.  And my favorite reader. (It’s been awhile since I did any shameless pandering so enjoy it, maggots)

So a very secretive man with low self-esteem or under the influence of bath salts ordered a 20 piece chicken McNugget meal.  I know he recorded some ‘dead rat soccer’ match’ (where he gave up at least one goal) but let’s focus here people.  What sort of debauched savage orders a 20 piece for himself?  And the way he says it:

“As I place an order for 20 piece, I see the four employees corner the rat, one of the employees step on it, kill it and they start kicking it across the floor like it’s a soccer ball,

Makes me sick to my stomach!  Who says things like that all nonchalantly?  “Ayo, homedog, gimme a 20 piece.”  Tell me this man’s not on bath salts.  Even the guy who was on bath salts (but wasn’t actually on bath salts) wouldn’t eat a 20 piece.  That’s why he was eating that guy’s face.  C’mon folks, it’s painfully obvious.  20 piece or hobo’s face?  It’s no contest.

Anyway, while this guy is probably filling his pockets with dipping sauces, the McDonalds crew keeps their eye on the prize:

“At that point, everyone gets a little angry that I’m doing that. They swept the rat underneath my feet, and then they took the broom and started shouting at me, ‘stop filming’ and put the broom in my face,” the man said.

He didn’t sweep it under your feet.  He scored.  You said so yourself.  They were playing soccer and your tubby diabetes filled secret agent ass can’t make a save.  Get your head in the game!

So what does the man who shall be named later do?  He’s going to sue.  Guy gets scored on and somebody touches him with a broom that may or may not have touched some vermin and now we gotta bring in the lawyers.  Oh my god, I saw a rat in a McDonalds!  My rights have been violated!  My right to not have a spontaneous dead rat soccer match start up when I’m trying to inhale 20 mechanically separated chicken flavored food pucks.  It’s the 28th amendment.  Right after the right not to be offended.

Sorry, Mister-I’m-super-privacy-guy-but-going-to-contact-a-news-station-because-I’m-not-that-private-and-I-know-a-opportunity-when-I-see-one-and-this-is-a-grand-opportunity-to-acquire-many-McNuggets-so-I’m-going-to-run-with-it-guy:  Dead rat soccer matches happen.  Maybe if you weren’t so busy eating disgusting amounts of McNuggets you’d know that.

People nowadays.  Gah!  And hit the gym once in a while, would ya?  Rotund motherfucker.